Me and my health saga...

Hi all. I'm not sure where to start this post (or where it'll end up for that matter) but anyway...

I have a knackered wrist. I broke it when I was 7 (28 years ago) and have had problems ever since because it didn't mend properly. I've had numerous surgeries including a Suave Kapandji Procedure (http://www.pncl.co.uk/~belcher/infor...e-kapandji.pdf) and bone grafting in an attempt to fix it. Nothing has. Most recently I've seen a hand surgeon who sent me for a MRI Arthrogram (basically an MRI after injection of contrast dye into the joint space - horrifically painful and I had an allergy to the dye!). Now I'm waiting on an arthroscopy cos mainly all they saw on the MRI was a cyst on my scaphoid and scar tissue.

A couple of weeks ago I fell on it and flared everything up. I may have a scaphoid fracture but the cyst is making x rays less clear than normal. In the end they put it in a scaphoid cast for 3 weeks to see if that settles it. Of course, because I was referred through A&E I didn't get to see my hand surgeon, I got the consultant doing that trauma clinic and saw a prat of a registrar (he sent me copies of his letters to my GP and mixes he/she and his/her all the way through (mind you his English wasn't great)).

So, we're a week or so into the time the cast is on. For a couple of days the pain relief was really good. Now it's more bl**dy painful than normal and driving me nuts. Problem we are faced with is surgically they only have two options - total wrist fusion and amputation. Total wrist fusion is going to be difficult cos of my previous procedures and if it doesn't work then I'm stuffed. I don't know what to do - whether I should call the surgeon's secretary and see if I can get advise from him, or wait it out and hate every second.

There's no point in going to my GP cos there are no more painkillers I can have. I already have slow-release and liquid morphine, strong co-codamol and an anti-inflammatory. TENs is not even touching the pain. Morphine isn't so that's no real surprise.

I also have Fibromyalgia, loads of arthritic bits and crappy knees so pain has been a constant feature of my life since I was a teenager. I don't remember the last day I wasn't physically in pain

And mentally - well, I'm better than I have been at times although still very much in a depression. I've been really affected by memories and stuff since I posted on the James Bulger thread. I didn't think it would make this much difference. Plus Mother's day just makes me remember that neither my Mum or MIL are here and that I probably will never be a mum It's 2 years since my Mum died on Sunday (21st March) which means it's only 12 weeks til it's 2 years since my Dad died which all freaked me out last year (this depression hit April/May - right between the two).

So, I am sitting here, cursing the pain in my wrist (and the surgeon who didn't want to pin it at the time cos I was a girl and he didn't want me to have a scar (a bl**dy arm that works would have been useful though and the scar is worse now it's been opened several times fixing the mess he left by not scarring me anyway!)) and the pain everywhere else, feeling miserable and crappy and like my life has no real meaning or purpose. And no way of making any of it feel better right now.

And if anyone has actually managed to get this far through my whingeing - should I call the surgeon's secretary or just put up with this til I see him on the 31st?

Sorry for the pity party - it's one of those days. And I have to go to the dentist tomorrow too!!

((((hugs))))

Sorry I can't be of much help with the problems you are facing regarding your wrist, can you not explain how much pain you are in and could they possibly bring the date forward, maybe say you will go in at short notice if there is a cancellation?

In other respects (as I read your post on the other thread), I know it's the hardest thing to hear after what you have been through, but not one single one of us can turn back time or change things that have happened in the past and even through the worst possible events, you can come through and find good in your life.

I think most of us at times wonder why we are here and try and find meaning to our lives, I have recently (well about 18 months now) been a Christian so I believe that we are all here for a reason but I can appreciate if you don't, however, even so, remember that one word you might say to one person, could change their life and set them on a whole other path. Think of the little things people have said to you that maybe made you feel that little bit more positive or changed your mind about a choice you were thinking of.

The tiniest things we often think don't matter, change lives, nevermind the big things! And that is the meaning of your life, it's up to you how you use it, you can affect people in a positive or negative way, that is your choice, but don't underestimate the power and impact of your life on the world.

You may not be someone to the world, but to someone, you may be the world. Or something like that.

Take care and PM me any time you need a chat or a rant or just an ear x

I know what you mean about living in pain. I have a spinal condition and take strong medication daily.

I'd phone the secretary and ask her to bring your appointment forward, then you can discuss your concerns with your surgeon.

Good luck x

(((((hugs))))) sorry to hear that

For starter you aren't having a pity party, you are venting, and venting is good, it helps to get troubles off our chest and the old saying, a problem shared is a problem halved, not sure if that is true but it is nice when you can tell people I feel like total rubbish, and they give you a hug (so a cyber hug will have to do so big cyber hugs from me, Louis, Scratch and Jed).
As for the pain, call the surgeon today, it is not going to hurt to ring up and say you are having troubles with your wrist and the pain is too much.
Pain is a strange thing, I think people sometimes underestimate the impact it can have, it affects every daily activity and reduces your ability to get a good sleep, little things are harder, you are not able to cope as well (with sleep deprivation on top just adds to it) and lowers your mood and you have been dealing with this for such a long time shows how much inner strength you have. Even if you can't see it, others do.
It sounds like the next few months have some anniversaries that are going to be emotionally painful for you, and there is no shame in having cr@p days because of it, if the sadness lingers too long though I say go to your GP for assessment as you may need something to help you get through it even if it is just some medication that may help you sleep better. Sometimes it is good to be able to talk to someone that you can babble about things to so maybe a counsellor might help.
The surgical options sound like the last resort and I would be getting a second opinion first off and also try complimentary therapies like acupuncture, herbal medication, it may not make a difference with your wrist but might help you with your other aches and pains.
As for purpose and meaning in life, sometimes we look at the big picture and expect to much from ourselves, sometimes we need to break it down into smaller bits, even if it is an hourly basis, and sometimes the purpose is just to get through that next hour. I want to do so many things, stop wars, feed starving children, help people in crisis, save all the animals and the list goes on but I have trouble some days just getting through my own issues let alone tackling those issues that centuries have not stopped.
Most of all ease up on yourself you are having a rough time, try not to over do things or expect to do the impossible and somethings like not vacuuming or doing everything that should be done. They will not go anywhere, and it does not mean you failed, it means you do what you can and the rest can wait. Another most of all, if you feel too down go to your GP and talk it all out with him and let him know where you are at, so if the clouds don't lift he will know what you have been feeling and can go from there.
Now if you got through my babble we are all here and sending you hugs and anytime you want to rant away, I seem to do Dogsey night duty so I am on when most of you sleep. Sending you one more hug from me and my lot xxxxxxxxxxx

I would be asking for the appointment to be brought forward, Ali. Good luck, hon, and try and keep your chin up... x0x

They know I can go in at short notice for the arthroscopy. I'm going to call the surgeon and see if I can get some advice or an appointment on how things are at the moment. I'm also waiting on an appointment with the pain clinic but they are vvvvvery slow.

I know no one can change the past. I can't either. I wish I could change some things but still. I survived and I am reasonably ok so I guess I did quite well.

I've been a Christian for a long time now. I'm sure there is a point in my life and I know I've made a difference to some people. I guess I just feel sometimes like I should be doing more with my life. I'm not working at the moment. I don't have a 'career' as such. When I was younger there were things I wanted to do (I planned to go on and do a PGCE and teach after Uni for example) and I never did them. I am thinking of going back and doing my PGCE now but I'm quite scared of doing it. I think sometimes I just get a bit overwhelmed with it all.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Ali x

Thanks. I am going to call the secretary and see if I can sort something out. I have spinal arthritis and it's hell. Sorry to hear you have problems too.

I'm waiting on an appointment with the pain clinic, although my GP wants them to refer me to the National Hospital for Rheumatology in Bath for a residential pain clinic session instead of just changing meds again.

I've been tested for Lupus several times but my results are always borderline so they won't diagnose and treat it. If I was in America I'd be treated but in this country they're obsessed with numbers!!

I appreciate the reply. Thanks.

Ali x

Thanks. I'm sure I'll get through it in the end.

Ali x

Thanks. I always feel like I'm whineing when I talk about the crap stuff in my life. I always used to say "a problem shared is just two people feeling bad instead of one" and never used to talk about stuff. I can't get used to it.

I'm going to call them and see what I can sort out. I'm waiting to hear from the pain clinic and hoping to get referred to a residential pain clinic thing to try and help with all my pain, not just this. Hopefully I'll manage to at least get some advice from the surgeon.

I'm on anti-depressants (have been since last year (again - been on and off them since I was 12)) and sleeping tablets although I still don't sleep well (like after taking 2-3 hours to fall asleep I'll sleep for 30 mins then be awake for an hour then sleep for 30 mins and so on all night). I often end up getting up for several hours overnight. On a good day I sleep maybe 5-6 hours in total, on a bad night I don't sleep. Nothing makes my sleep cycle any better! I'm going to see a psychologist on Monday to see if there is any counselling or therapy they can offer.

I get acupuncture from my GP for my neck pain and spasms and I am going to talk to him about extending that to other areas like my back. I don't know about herbal medication but I might talk to my GP. Also, when I get to the pain clinic they might have other options, plus hopefully the residential pain clinic too. I've tried loads of things over the year, but it doesn't hurt to try them again!

I think it's just because there were so many things I wanted to do with my life and I've not done them (I was going to do a teaching course after my degree and didn't (although I'm trying to work up to applying to do it next year)) and I feel like I should have a 'career'. Also I've always wanted to be a Mum but I don't ovulate and I am too overweight to get assistance to conceive I'm trying to lose weight but it's hard when you can't exercise much. And I'm not getting any younger...

I think that's the think. I'm really hard on myself. I am a perfectionist and I set really high standards for myself. I'd never expect anyone else to live to them, but I expect myself to. Something to talk to the psychologist about I think.

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Ali x