When do you know the time has come to say goodbye?

Hi guys. I'm totally new to this forum but have seen some of the help and support that you give each other.

I have found myself in a horrible prediciment today and have been in tears all afternoon at work due to comments made by some close friends.

I have a 20year old Yorkshire Terrier, Toby. I have had him half of my life and he is now such a part of me, I can't imagine life without him.

I have never had a dog before Toby and so maybe I am a bit naive but over the last year or so things have started to go wrong (as with any pet I guess who is getting very old). He has bad cataracts and can hardly see. He can only see you are there when you are a couple of inches from his face and he sits and shakes in fear as he can't see who, or what, is near him. He is deaf and also suffers regularly from canker. His back legs are giving up badly. They seem very thin and almost look as if they've wasted away. He can walk slowly around the house but wouldn't be able to go for a walk anymore. When he comes down the stairs in the mornings he struggles with the last stair (probably because he can't see) and if I don't manage to get to him in time to carry him down, he will jump, his legs give way and he slides into the wall. When I let him outside for a wee, he walks into the door or wall because he can't see where the door is and I have to guide him out. He has no control over his bladder or bowels (or very little) and has at least 3 "accidents" a day. He sleeps all day and night. Apart from eating, he does nothing.

We were talking about our dogs at work today and one of them suddenly said "don't you think it's about time you said goodbye to him?". I was horrified! How could a so called friend suggest such a thing. Then another friend said "come on Trace - do you really think he has a good quality of life - do you think he's really happy?". The answer to that is that I don't know. I have been in from work for an hour now and apart from eating a couple of dog biscuits, he has done nothing. Straight back to sleep.

Help me guys. Please. I'm cracking up. I was all ready today to ring my vet up for a chat but now I have come home and seen him eating quite normally I am thinking that no - I CAN'T do that - it would be wrong. Wouldn't it be kinder to just let him keep sleeping all day and hope that he drifts off gently in his sleep? Am I being selfish?

I am so confused and scared. Please help me

Tracey

Think about all the things that over the years made your dog "him" - the special things he particularly liked to do ....

With my shepherd - she loved walks, she loved playing with her pink ball, she loved human food and she loved going in the car.

There was a point where she couldn't do any of her favourite things and she was merely existing ...... rather than living .....

It is a very hard decision and one I had to make last week for another beloved pet - you do have to consider quality of life and what is the humane course of action and think of the animal not yourself ...

I am not your vet but for what it is worth.....

You need to look at the quality of his life and sometimes that is easier done from a bit of a distance. What you have written must have made you think a bit as you wrote it. At the age he has reached there is no treatment and in the end he will die. You have to decide what is right for him and also for you.

I tend to pts maybe before other people would have with a couple of my dogs and maybe I left it too long with others. It is always really hard and heartbreaking.

I would rather pts while they are still eating, that way I get the vet to come out and I feed them a pepperami while they are injected. That way they really don't seem to notice.

I always want to scream at the vet not to do it when the needle comes out----but in the long run it is the nicest way for it to happen.

Lots of love and light to both of you.

rune

Hi Tracey. Well the first thing I have to say is, how lucky you've been compared to most of us, to have shared your life with your beloved friend for 20 years, it's quite incredible.

The last time I had to make this desperate decision (almost 3 years ago now), it was a lot, lot harder for me because my beloved girl was young in my eyes, she was only 11, and all my others had gone on to 15 and 16 and I just couldn't believe that she was so poorly at such a young age (cancer got her I'm afraid). Just like you have been doing with your beloved boy, I let each day pass, because I always saw that wagging tail each morning, she could jump into the car to go out to her usual walking spot, even though she only managed a couple of yards, but when I got her home it was a different story, she just slept, and slept, and slept. I always say they tell you when their time has come, you can see it in their eyes, and thankfully, one morning, I held her little face in the cup of my hands and I saw it, so I knew I had to let her go.

I know you must be in shreds at the mere thought of it, but if you look at it this way, just like I had to do, i.e. one day you're going to have to lose her, so why put off the misery for your own sake, when really, truthfully, we have to make the decision for their sakes don't we? How are you feeling, knowing that he is probably in pain just about everywhere, how he manages those stairs I honestly don't know, bless his little heart, his dignity has gone, and yes, dogs do have dignity, if any of mine messed in the house in their old age I knew how upset they were, so it surely must be the same for him? You know how the old saying goes, better a day too soon than a day too late, he's had a brilliant innings, he's been loved and cherished his entire life, he's lived his life to the full, and now he must be very unhappy with no quality of life left whatsoever.

I wish I could give you a big hug, and I hope you have someone close to do that bit for you, but most of all, I hope in your state of sadness, you find the time to reflect that your cherished friend has probably had enough now and it's time to say goodbye. Phone your vet by all means, but you know what he's going to say, no vet in their right mind would let any animal of this age carry on like this of that I am sure, they look after the welfare of our pets, and although I have no doubt in my mind that your Toby is more loved and cared for than a lot of other dogs, that doesn't help him right now Tracy does it, he needs peace, the everlasting kind, he has no reason to stay with you
now, he can't do the job he was sent here to do anymore, he can only sleep to keep free from pain and it's just not fair. I'm sure you will be able to see that if you really look deeply into your heart.

I wish I could have lifted your spirits, but I'm afraid I am unable to do that, but instead, my heart goes out to you, cyber hugs sent to you, dry your tears and do the right thing. I've said it before, you are only prolonging HIS agony let alone yours, I did the same, but thankfully, it wasn't a day too late. H.xxxxx

So sorry that you are in this situation Tracey, but hopefully I can help a bit. Having had dogs for nearly 50 years and been a vetnurse I can see both sides of this. It is the ultimate sacrifice we make - these dogs have given total devotion and love for however many years and become part of us and whilst working, the hardest thing I came across was the owners who left the animal with us because they would be too upset. So having been totally devoted for all that time, their owners couldn't even bear to hold their paws and let them know they are there at the end. I admit I cried everytime we had to put an animal to sleep, but not for the animal, the owner. The rule of thumb I have always gone by is going on the quality of life for the animal - if they still want to go for walks and enjoy their food and fuss; sadly though your poor baby seems like that doesn't apply and I am cryng whilst typing this to you. Twenty is a wonderful age to reach for a dog, but would you feel good knowing that the dog was suffering? Not knowing how Toby is feeling? I really wish I had a magic wand and no-one should make the decision for you, but think of Toby. I am sending a big ((((((((HUG)))))) and love to you at this awful time xxxxx

What a wonderful age your little lad has reached......

However, I do believe that you really "know" what most people's answers are going to be to your question.... you maybe just need some reassurance that you are doing the right thing.

If you are at all unsure, write down on one side of a sheet of paper all the things Toby used to love doing. Then write down on the other side which of those he still does and enjoys. I think that will give you your answer.

Now is the time to think of Toby, and not yourself. Be selfless - Toby deserves this at the very least after giving you 20 years of loving devotion.

Rather a minute too early, than a day too late.

Hugs chick, we've all been there, and many of us quite recently

what a wonderful age! sorry i cant help but just want to send you a hug and say you will know what to do for the best deep down

I can imagine the confusion going round in your head at the moment.

But likes others have said, I've always believed in the 'better a day to early than an hour to late'.

I don't think that a dog sleeping the majority of the time is a problem, provided they seem otherwise content, but there were one or two other things in your post which made me think 'it is probably time'. However, that is only going on a few written words and doesn't mean that is the right answer.

And don't be too hard on your friends that raised the subject - it was done very untactfully and no-one should push you into a decision one way or the other, but sometimes it takes a friend to make us think about the difficult decisions.

Hugs to you whatever you decide.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It is true - I think deep down I DO know what I have to do but was probably just hoping and praying that things weren't as bad as I thought.

I sobbed as I read out loud every single one of your replies to my 13year old daughter as you have all helped me in trying to explain the situation to her.

Boy - I'm hurting

Please let me send hugs back to all of you who have lost their friends - I know I must be as brave as all of you xxx

I know you'll be strong when the time comes, and I hope and pray you will also have the strength to stay with Toby whilst he peacefully slips away, he needs you there with him as much as you needed him for the past 20 years.

We'll all be here for you when you need us again. Spoil him rotten, give him his favourite food, steak and chips if he wants it, and let him go no matter how hard that pull is from your end, you'll thank yourself when you have.xxxx Lots of hugs.xxxxxx