Oh Tawny

I am so sorry to hear about your beloved.

I want Harvey to do this more than anything right now, I have been talking to him, willing him to come and see me one last time and let me know he is not suffering and is happy where he is now.

But most of all I need him to tell me that he forgives me for letting him go and does not blame me that it was done in such a horrible way.

Tawney had her final stroke on Bristol Temple Meads station, phoned my then OH who came out of work, along with one of his friends, and he carried her out, all the station staff, who knew her well, were in bits, her front end was fine, the back end wasn't, and I knew that was the end. I had always promised her I would never keep her going just for my sake. So we went off to a vets who put her to sleep at 11.45am on Monday January 23rd 2006. I couldn't come back home after that, but came back the next day, Tuesday. Wednesday morning I was sat trying to have breakfast, sobbing my heart out, and her nose prodded me (she had the sharpest nose ever I swear) and I looked up and she was there, I threw my arms around her, and she'd gone. I got the impression that her fur didn't look right, sort of brittle, strange thing. When I got her ashes back, that was the day she'd been cremated,, and thinking about it later, that was how her fur looked, singed. So I wasn't actively looking for her at all, it just happened. I've had this before, but never so clear as she was that morning. That day it all happened, I phoned Nikki (Gnasher) at work, her dog Hal was Tawney's great nephew, and she sat on the phone with me, and talked to me until OH came to collect us both from the station. We had this thing for years where I would say 'I'll send Tawney over to look after you' on odd occasions, and she'll tell you that she is sure she was there for her, looking after her. Cariad and Lona came to me on the Saturday after she passed away, thank goodness they did, their exploits have kept me fully occupied since, and not had the time to suffer the way I would have done without them, and of course I now have their daughters to keep me on my toes. Kenny, dogs are very forgiving and they are also live in the real world and in the now, and I know that you did the right thing at that particular time, and so does he. He was no longer the happy boy you knew for that wonderful 9 years, he was a very poorly boy, and he needed you to be strong and make the decision you did, because that decision could not be taken by him could it. That is the pact we have with all our animals, they give us their love and help us carry our burdens, whatever they may be, we have their companionship ad unstinting devotion, what they require from us is our care and understanding, and when the time comes our commitment to let them go without fear or pain in our arms, it is the last act of love we can give them

Oh Tawny

That must have been hard to share that but how beautifully put, I am blubing here.

It's so sodding hard, I am sat here and Harvey is everywhere I look. His fur is on the carpet, his toys are in his bed, his water and food bowls, his favourite places to lay.

The worst thing is the howl he made as he died, it's going round and round my head and I can't stop hearing it.

I've tried turning the TV up loud, listening to music on headphones on full and even banging my head against the wall but it won't stop.

Kenny you must stop torturing yourself.Harvey loved you and I doubt he would want the manner of his passing to be something that completely destroys you. Celebrate his life and all you had with him. That noise was made by his body and not him. He was very ill, and from things you have said, he was suffering, and it was not a kind thing to keep him carrying on for you. As his friend it was your bounden duty to help him out of that shell he had been forced into by that dreadful thing that had taken his quality of life away. Believe me I have seen my horses pass, and it is a very hard thing. Animals give so much of their lives to us, yet we only borrow them, their time with us is short, and they must go back from whence they came long before we would want or wish it, all go far sooner than than we imagine they will, we all plead in our hearts for that extra year, months or even weeks with them. But does that mean we should prolong their lives for our own needs, I think, and hope not. For surely we have to give them the mercy and dignity of a decent end, no matter how old they are, whether we feel it is too soon, or not the right time yet.

Kenny, June is right. You are torturing yourself and Harvey would hate that, it would distress him terribly to know you are in such a state. For his sake please be strong and know that he is now at peace but still with you in spirit.

Oh I am so very sorry to read about Harvey. I know exactly what your are and have went thru'. I still feel the hurt and my lovely lass, Loki, will have been gone from me a year come 8th May!

Time does help, she was my friend as well as companion, and suffered Grand Mal fits, took 38/39 fits at one time.

I am thinking of you and Harvey will always be with you. Once things settle for you, perhaps another wee one will come along, although you may not think so just now - I didn't but Charlie came to me, he is (as I have now found out) half Rottie and half collie. He keeps me going and I am sure you will have another companion come to you.

Hugs to you from me, Charlie and Soochie (my African Grey parrot) xxxx

Tawny - yet another beautiful post and I know your right and so is everyone else.

There is no way I would let him suffer which is why when he did start to I made the choice I did.

I don't mean to pry or upset you and please do not answer this unless you feel comfortable but did it help when your girl came to see you?

Thanks Moyra and I know your right.

I'm not thinking straight

Yes it did, it took any doubt I had that I had done the right thing by her. I'll tell you now about something else that happened a few years ago. I've had a bad back injury for a few years now, and on a friends recommendation I went to see this healer, now she is also a psychic as well. She started talking to me about one of my horses, Heidi, and described her perfectly and also talked about the leg injury which meant that Heidi was pts at 17 because she could no longer walk on it, worst still was the referred pain due to the weight all going on her other leg. She also then talked about my blue dobie, Piaf, again she was pts due to the wobbbles syndrome which is a genetic problem in dobies, she was 11 years old when she left me, so had a good innings despite this. There is no way she could ever have known about them or how or why they died. She did tell me they understood why, and that I had put them out of their pain and they were fine where they were and could run around once more. She also then talked about my dad and playing chess, now I didn't have a clue my dad played chess. Asked my mother about that one, and she was amazed I never knew that, and my brother was also amazed because he used to play chess with my dad and couldn't understand why I didn't know. Incidentally when I first spoke to this woman on the phone, she said to me she was getting Dobermanns coming through, and did it mean anything to me. This is all real, and she also told me they are following me about, well I must have a right circus following me mustn't I Soooo my animals have 'forgiven' me for what I did, because I did it to save them further pain and suffering, and I did it with love for their sake. So I know beyond one shadow of a doubt that Harvey will feel the same. Please put away this terrible destructive anger you are feeling, it is a very negative emotion and you need to surround yourself with good things and positive thoughts. Harvey is there with you and you will get a sign from him, you need to open your mind and forget your anger and stop blaming yourself for his death. It was his time to go, he probably hated to leave, but he was not your boy anymore, something dreadful had invaded his lovely self and changed him, and he knew this.

Hi Brandykins,

Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry to hear about Loki, a year is a long time.