An awful afternoon. (Long).

Went to mums today and took her meals over for her freezer that I cook and all was fine after I was speaking to her about trying not to stress Gill out to much.

We had been laughing over a lot of things and then around 2pm she flipped. Saying my brother had rung the hospital to find out if they could give him early appointments as I was not taking her anymore.

I have written to the Consultant asking if she can have a home visit from her GP or be taken in an ambulance with a wheelchair ramp as it is very difficult now to get her in and out of the car and it causes her great pain which she says she can put up with but I am not happy with this arrangement anymore she does know I have written to him.

Anyway so I got cross saying why as I was taking her in August to see what the Consultant was going to say. I am not sure what she has said to my brother but she has said I told her I was not taking her anymore and he said he would take her as it is not right she is left to sort things out herself.

I said as if I would do that then she started on about when she was really ill in bed a few years ago I screamed at her that I was not taking her shopping anymore. As if I would I did stop taking her shopping when we were advised she needed carers and I needed a break from it so it was arranged by me like everything else has been that is the reason and only reason she can stay living where she does through all my hard work over the years even when ill.

She wouldn't stop so I put her bank card on the table I take her money over every other week and kissed her goodbye. As I walked out of the door she said I don't suppose I will be seeing you again I just replied I don't know mum I am so hurt I was sobbing.

I went to Gills on the way back which she could of done without as her cancer marker has increase this visit. (Today). But I was in no fit state to drive the 1/2 hour drive.

I am going to post her appointment card for her appointment in August one of the boys can sort it at the moment I feel I need to stay away. She has been nasty to me before and Gill. She feels it is ok for us to do the running about but god forbid the boys have to her mum did the same to her so it is her right to do it to us me in particular.

Huge hugs Lynn xx

No advice Lynn, just sending you some well-needed hugs.xx

Oh Lynn, you must feel really awful, but you know how that old saying goes??? You only hurt the ones you love and it's so true. I remember my dear old mum upsetting me so much sometimes, after all we were doing for her, turning our lives upside down to accommodate her, me doing everything I could, all that running around, almost killing myself in the process to get everything done that she wanted doing. Same applied to most of my life with my parents really, it was always ME, never my brother or step sister doing anything, and yet they got everything they wanted, and I rarely got thanked or given half as much as them.

I think it's purely a case of they must "expect" all this from their daughters, just the same as you probably feel it's your duty just like I did, and being the only one because she cannot possibly ask Gill, then the burdon lies with you. I honestly don't think the thought enters their heads that a son should feel obliged or even offer to help in any way, at least that's the impression I got from my mum during her latter, cantankerous months. I don't even think they realise how much they are upsetting or hurting us, they turn very selfish, their only thoughts are for themselves, and who can blame them when they're old and frightened. They already feel useless and on the scrap heap, and when one of the family gives them the slightest impression that they're not top priority anymore, they reach out to another member of the family for that lifeline. I know the reasons why you were having problems taking her, but don't forget her mind is not the way it was, they don't think straight, they don't think before they speak (like your mum didn't when she told your brother you weren't taking her any more without adding the reasons for that!) and she had to flip it around and say it the way she did, just to make sure that she was right in feeling the way she does (i.e. that you can't be bothered anymore but NOT for the real reasons you told her!) and it worked, she's got his support, she doesn't need you anymore, because her ONLY priority now is to get the help she needs by whatever means.

You have to see it from HER side Lynn, she doesn't mean what she says or the way she has said it, I know that because of my dear old mum, it's just the way they get when they're frightened of what's ahead, and I mean all of it - she's worried about how long she's going to cope on her own, let alone being taken out of her comfort zone, if she can't, and being put somewhere she doesn't like , you know how independent she is.

I cried buckets sometimes, thinking how unappreciated I was, nobody could understand just how stressed and stretched I had become, especially my mum, and just like you, I let her know as much! It's a heavy cross to bear Lynn, I remember it well, but you're going to have to bite that tongue, shut off your emotions, ignore most of the things she says, and just be the loving daughter that you've always been to her and do as much as you WANT to do. We love them so dearly, and that's the worst when trying to deal with the way they treat us, because these carers in the care homes don't have that same connection with them, they can deal with all this and that in a "matter of fact" way, and know how to get the best out of them, whereas your emotional involvement makes that nigh on impossible, you'll feel she is fighting you all the way and you will never make her understand just WHY she has upset you! Trust me on that!

Time to take a step back, lots of deep breaths, and it might be a good idea to ring up that brother of yours and give him the correct explaination as to why you were having reservations of not being able to take her to the hospital anymore, and NOT the version that she has given him! Of course, for the moment, the sun's gonna shine out of his a*se, until he puts a foot wrong.

Just remember one thing Lynn, they really DON'T mean what they say most of the time, she's probably just as upset as you are deep inside, when she has had time to sit down and think about things and after having seen how much she's upset you, she could well be a totally different person again tomorrow. Soooo many times I went through the same thing, but after trying the "you can get st*ffed" attitude the next day with her, I found the best course of action was to just act as if nothing had happened and get on as normal. I do remember once, she went into a deaf and dumb mode on me after one of our episodes and that lasted for days, but still, I carried on as normal all I could do really

The carers at the care home had exactly the same thing as I went through and we did have a laugh comparing our notes together!! So you see Lynn, it isn't actually YOU, it's just anybody who's doing the running around on her behalf that gets the flack

Now pick yourself back up, take a big hug off Gorden, he's been such a rock for you throughout all of this over the years, and TRY and let it go over your head, because she doesn't actually mean it the way she said it at all, you can absolutely trust me on that, she just wants to bring you to attention again so that she can feel you are once more her strongest line of support as you always were for her. I'm so so sorry you feel so hurt and deflated, it's so unfair sending you lots of hugs to get you back on track.xxxxxx

Thanks all.
Helena at the moment I can't go back. I am so hurt this is the third or fourth time she has treated me this way. The first time almost 30 years ago when Mark was a baby and dad had to step in and tell her to shut up because he could see me walking and not coming back.

I am adopted and sometimes I really feel that she picks on me the most because I am not actually one of her children. There is quite a bit of secrecy going on about it and I know I am probably way off but sometimes over little things I feel my dad was my dad and since he has died she has got stuck into me more because he isnt here to defend me anymore.

She once told me my mum was the village bike is that something you tell your teenage child ?

I know what you are saying and I know she is not well and in pain but she has done it once too often now.

I probabaly will get over it at some point but not now. I am not going to speak to my brother he was so horrible well they both were at Christmas and especially as I was so low over Ollie being ill that I cannot bring mysef to speak them as yet.

Oh Lynn I'm so sorry. You must be heartbroken. I don't know why your mum is acting this way but you're so hurt at the moment and it's easy to blame the fact you were adopted. I'm adopted too and I used to do the same if my parents upset me in any way. Maybe she is scared that because you are adopted, she is expecting you not to feel the same about her as her natural children and is blaming this for the fact that you need help with transporting her. Maybe she feels guilty about something and is taking it out on you, and because she's scared you may leave she is pushing you so she can say "I told you so". Maybe I'm way off the mark here but I think you should give it a bit of time...time for yourself....get yourself together and reassess.
What she said to you as a teenager was horrible...but I can't help but think there is something deeper here.
I hope you're ok Lynn.....thinking about you. xxxxx

Lynn, I have this with my Mom, she is 90 and going on 2 at times.
Worst part is she will ring me a few days later like nothing has happened.

I think I have grown a rhino skin as I seem to just ignore the ranting now, funny she was never like this 18 months back, it seems to have only been a recent thing.

I've had ranting over something my son's have done or supposedly said, and why she should ring me is beyond me as I wasn't even there when these things take place
When I ask my lads what they have said or done, its Mom that has got everything out of proportion or mistaken their offer of help as an offer of making her feel like a charity case
I've had moans about my sister taking money off her, and if I challenge it, she denies saying it (although we know thats true) she moans about neighbours poking their noses into her bungalow, when really they are just doing their garden
I think the thing to remember is that they go back to a second childhood and ''tell tales'' or just ''hear what they think they heard''.
She won't be around forever, all I can say is with me I just grin and agree

Have some time out and maybe you will feel stronger once you have to cope again.....and huge HUGS xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thinking of you hun, its hard when they get old and seem to lose understanding xx

So sorry you're going through this Lynn.......

Sending you and Gorden some very large hugs...... hope things improve soon xx

Thanks all feeling pretty cr*p this morning. Do have something to look forward too I am going to Joels sports day this morning with Mark.

I am still reeling with shock at her being like that she has always been spiteful with the tongue and as I said I have been on the receiving end of it many times like Gill but the parting shot about her being so ill in bed and me saying those things the way I did and at that time have upset me beyond belief.

I know it sounds bad because she is old, ill and probably hasn't much time left but as of yet I cannot forgive her and cannt beleive she thinks that of me.

Her dad was the same nasty nasty tongue all his life and one of her brothers.