Thanks guys.

I did ask before and was told there was an 18 mnth waiting list, but if he had reffered me then I would now only have 12 months to wait

I just seem to have 1 day good then 2 weeks bad. I have been doing a fair bit of soul searching and trying to think about possible triggers etc and I have managed to pinpoint some things which I feel are causing my anxiety and in the main it is thoughts about things I can not change yet I choose to beat myself up over (choose being used loosley) Also withoput going into too many details the job I do, on occasion, brings me into contact with a specific type of person I do not wish to be around. I find myself worrying about this and it only happens once in a blue moon, yet I worry myself literally sick about it as I feel I am unable to cope and it brings back upset. Then I worry that I am off my work and will be spotted out and about (and if I am out why can I not be at work...) Then I can't sleep or eat for worrying and that makes my body and mind less able to cope with the stress so I worry more and so the dam cycle goes on!!

When I do achieve something I then beat myself up as it was so easy and that brings on the anxiety so I go to do it againand this time I am really anxious so the self fulfilling prophecy of me having a panic attack is fulfilled

I feel I need to learn how to cope with situations and bad stuff (yip I too sound like my dog GSD Lover!!), as lets face it BAD stuff will happen just as much as good stuff. But me I focus on the bad and no matter how I try I cant stop focussing on the bad so the good is outshadowed and its all really horrible...

Gee that was a depressing paragraph!! - Sorry

Anyway I don't feel taking drugs is helping me "deal" with the problems it only masks the anxiety and helps me deal with it for a couple of hours but the underlying cause, IMO the inability to cope in an appropriate manner, is still there.

Not sure this makes sense but typing is helping...

Makes sense, to me at least. Focusing on the bad is as true to anxiety sufferers as true could be. I remember it well, and even now I have something going on in my life which makes me keep doing it. The difference between now and then, is that I now have a lot more positive things that I can think about whenever I start to dwell on the bad things. That's the bit you appear to be missing, from the outside looking in at least.

You seem to need to get to the stage where some significant changes come about so that when the thoughts of the bad creep up on you, you can counter with thoughts of "ah, but last week, or last month, I managed to ride a horse for the first time ever and people thought I was quite good for a beginner" type of thing.

It's an awful catch-twenty-two situation, I appreciate. I see it as a form of caring. The difference, I feel, is that we take caring to extreme lengths, and in bizarre (and very often quite selfish) contexts. As in, I care that someone might be walking behind me and I'm so aware of it, that I might trip over my own feet -- a constant mental battle I have, even though, in reality, I've never once tripped over my own feet, but I find it incredibly hard to care in situations when other people would normally.

Ask most people here; I bet I've offended someone at some point with my apparent lack of caring. And yet, here I am, taking time to try to help you, because it's something that I can empathise with and I remember all too well how it grips and hurts at times, and just how unreasonable and surreal it all seems at times. Trip over in front of me in a street, as a stranger, however, and I probably wouldn't even stop to ask if you're OK.

Of course, I don't know your situation, but are you able to take more private walks in secluded fields or things like that, perhaps even driving to them to avoid the actual journey of getting there? We need to start feeding you some positives.

Hi Benzmum, reading your last post is like reliving my illness when I first had it I can relate to all you are saying. Got the t-shirt for it all. It will get better I promise you. But you must think about the good things you are doing. It may not seem you are doing well but you are, have faith in yourself. It has taken me years to find out what triggered mine off as I was burying it in my head, if you can understand that. I still can't talk about it without tears and I can't turn the clock back, but I am trying to move on. Once you learn how to cope it will get easier I promise you that.

GSDLover, One thing you are absolutely brilliant at is putting things into words something I can't do. I read your posts and just think my god he is so right, it's what's in my head but can't get it through to my keyboard.

Years of writing therapy. Some day soon I'll send you my story of how I got as bad I got. It might help you to rationalise your own.

HI there I know exactly how you feel, I suffered from panic/ anxiety attacks for many years, it's a very debilitating condition. I was left unable to even leave the house without immediately going into an attack, this left me confined to the house for over 6 months. At which point I decided enough was enough, and took control all be it in a very limited way at first. I would walk out the door onto the street and have to sit on the wall convinced I was gonna die, though intelectually I new this was just my mind playing tricks, it's hard to counter as you know.

Steadily over weeks and months I broadened the area I was comfortable in, I could walk around my area, get in the car, this was a biggie, I had more panic attacs inthe car than anywhere else, closely followed by the supermarket, when I think back now it actually makes me laugh.

Now almost 10 yrs on nothing holds me back, I drive where I want go into shops, do what ever, but I have to say five years ago, I had a catastrophic experience, which completely changed my mental attituted to everything, my dad went into hospital for a routine procedure, got MRSA and died in ITU, I was with him when he went, and at the time of death he sat up and grabbed my hand, it was a life changing moment for me, I went from being a bag of nerves to being strong and confident in that moment, it was like he had transferred all his self confidence into me.

I know that sounds really weird, and far fetched, but it's true, we went into an side room, and everyone was crying, even the doctor, and all I felt was elated, and relaxed, I was so glad he had gone tbh, not in a bad way, but becasue he wouldn't suffer in anyway anymore, he had multi organ failure,as well so if he had come round his quality of life would have been vry poor.

I know I've diversed slightly there, but basically all I'm saying is the best thing you can do is analyse how you feel, and tackle it yourself, broaded your comfort zone, this is the most difficult theing, but you can do it and will get through it.

Benzmum, dont try and analyse the attacks could make it worse, unless you know for certain the reasons. Saying this cos i had exactly the same as you about 10 years ago, did not go outside for a while alone did not like crowds panicked adn so on was awful and i know and really sympathise with you as the feelings you have when going through the attacks indescribable, I was offered the councellor from our surgery and he came armed with a tape that gave me the creeps so I told him not to come back, carried on with medications for a long time gradually cutting the doses but I found music helpful and tried to concentrate on what was playing, has to be type of music you like though. Sometimes eating a good diet hard when going through this but do try as it really does help even if only a bit at a time but a decent diet, hit a cushion hard too gets the frustrations out of you for a while as you just dont understand it but want it to go. I still get times when i feel low and think its starting again but have managed to control it, plus my age helps, foound hormones a great deal to answer to in these cases, anyway take care, you are not alone and its a horrible illness thinking of you xx

Well guys.....

I just couldn't face going to docs today, got as far as my car and freaked out big time, no way could I have driven there. So, came back in and through floods of tears, phoned docs and actually managed to speak to my doc, who I have to say was very good

He is going to leave a prescription for me for different antidepressants ( I have so far tried Effexor, Seroxat and amitryptoline (sp) ) and a beta blocker and REFER me to a counsellor!!! :smt023

He has given me a line till Tuesday and I go back and see him on Monday (OH is off so I should manage that!!! )

I feel SO much better having spoken to him I just wish I could get a grasp of this and at least mange to control it. Today it beat me....... but tomorrow WILL be better.

See, there's a positive there. You didn't go back in the house and just resign yourself as being in a useless situation. No, you called the GP and organised things from the phone, and, as a result, another positive came about -- different antidepressants, and a counsellor. I'd say that's quite a result actually.

Thanks Maz.......

You're right - I hadn't thought of it like that. I was being defeatist - " Oh how useless I am I can't even go to the docs now. What an idiot etc etc"

But yeah I knew I HAD to do something and so took a positive step.

Thank you for making me see that. Every cloud and all that....