Change in family dynamics - LONG!

Part of me feels that I'm probably being childish, but part of me feels like I was right all along. I'm really a bit confused

I've always been very close to my mum. When my parents divorced when I was two, I stayed with her, so I have no memories of ever living with my dad. As a result, I've never felt very close to that side of my family at all, despite the fact that I have lived near them for five years now and have spent a lot of time with them - they still don't feel like "family".
My mum, on the otherhand, has been my role model, my mentor and my friend. When I lived at home, we were very close, and when I left home, we stayed close. We used to be in contact by phone at least once or twice a week, and she was really there for me when my marriage broke down last spring. I always felt like I could tell her pretty much anything, and I always looked forward to spending time with her. I used to go home for Christmas every year (although my mum and step-dad moved after I moved out, so I never lived there, it always felt like "home").

In September last year, after fifteen years together, my mum left my step-dad and moved in with a new boyfriend, who has a teenage daughter. My brother is almost ten years younger than me, and I had a similar feeling to when he was born - that I had been replaced. When I spoke to mum, she wanted to tell me all about her "new daughter" and the things that the four of them were doing as a family. Christmas was cancelled because my mum and her OH (and the kids) went to stay in a holiday cottage, so my OH and I spent a quiet day at home.

I convinced myself that I was just being oversensitive, and that it would settle down after a bit. It's not long since I got out of an unhappy marriage and got together with my OH, so I remember how exciting new relationships are. But things, if anything, are getting worse.
I called my mum last night to tell her that my OH's motorbike had been sold and collected, and that her dog, Sam, who we are looking after, hadn't been very well over the weekend but seemed to have picked up and was feeling better. I had tried to ring over the weekend, but hadn't managed to get through. It was like having a conversation with myself. I could barely get a word in edgewise between my mum and her OH talking about completely unrelated things (they were looking at things on eBay) and I was told she "would have to go because this auction is ending soon". I came off the phone feeling frustrated and upset that she simply hadn't seemed to be paying attention at all, and it has been like this since September.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that she's happy. I have finally met her new partner, and I like him. But is it so difficult to tear oneself away for ten minutes to have a conversation with your kids? She didn't tell me how my brother was doing, ask how I was (I told her a week ago that I have to go back to hospital for an assessment with an Occupational Therapist for my hands), or really take any interest in anything that I was saying.

When I came off the phone, even my OH was a bit stunned. He was the one who was comforting me back in September and telling me that after a month or two, once things had settled down, it would be back to normal, and that of course I wouldn't be replaced. Rather than regular conversations (I don't mean "regular" as in we would talk on a Monday evening at 6pm, but we would be in touch at least once a week, and if she didn't hear from me in a week, she would call to check everything was okay), we can now go for two or even three weeks without any contact whatsoever.

I feel a bit lost, as though the family unit I grew up with has simply vanished. My step-father, despite having lived with me since I was eight, apparently wants nothing to do with me. He has removed me as family (and even removed me as a friend) from his [a social network] profile, and didn't send me a birthday or Christmas card this year, although I sent some to him. My mum has turned into a completely different person, to the point of even sounding fairly disinterested in her own dog. My brother (being only thirteen) is too busy with friends, school and hobbies so I only get to speak to him if he's at my mum's when I call.

I've always believed that family are the people we chose to have around us. I'm not close to any of my grandparents, other than the obligatory exchange of cards, and having not really seen a lot of my dad and step-mum until I was eighteen, I've never felt that they were "family" in the sense of the family I grew up with. Out of the few people I considered to be my immediate family, there's only my OH and our best friend that I feel close to now. I've probably spoken to my OH's parents (who I have never met) more in the last four or five months than I have to my mum.

What do I do? Do I simply accept the change and contact my mum only if there is something important to tell her? Or do I keep on making the effort and pretending that nothing has changed? I know it sounds really childish and silly, as I'm sure that there are lots of people out there with very little contact with their parents, but my relationship with my mum has always been important to me. Is it a case of I'm a grown up now, and my transitional period from the family home to my own place in the big world is now over?

Sorry its such a hard time for you. I don't necessarily think you are being 'childish or selfish', your evidently think the world of your Mum, which is as it should be.

But, yes, to a certain extent, you both have moved on.

Now that you are with an OH who seems really nice, your Mum is probably less worried about you - presuambly she knows that he is looking after you - something I get the impression you didn't really have before?

And for your Mum too, its all new - Sept to Jan still isn't long in terms of a new relationship and there is still plenty of time for it to settle down.

As you have always been so close to your Mum, I would tell her how much you are missing her.

Why not try to suggest that you set aside part of one evening a week(the same evening each week usually helps) which is 'your time' and you both do your best to keep this time free to have a good old chat on the phone.
It doesn't mean that you can't speak on other days too, but when at least one of you has a busy life, this is a good means of making sure you find the time.

I've been doing this with my Mum for years - we generally speak for about an hour or so every week. If I can't make the call (e.g. I'm away with work), I'll let her know & we'll arrange another time.

Chin up, I'm sure your Mum still loves you very much and would be devasted to know you are feeling this way.