Step sons getting me down

I have 2 step kids. Lucy will be 12 on Thursday. And Steven is 15.
I've been with my partner now for 6 years. Hopefully getting married in 2008.
There mother is lazy. She doesn't work, can't be bothered to iron the kids cloths etc. She doesn't but the kids any decent cloths but she walks around in designer clothes, her mum & dad are minted, so she doesn't even have to pay for her car.
Lucy is a little gem. I taught her to ride, her mother has never come to watch her ride,I feel really sorry for her. There mum meets men off the internet and goes off to meet them at weekends (putting herself in danger )
Steven is a nightmare. Hes always been very stubborn. Never smiles always have to remind him to say please & thankyou.
I can cope with that, but because his mum lets him eat beefburger & chips everyday its been very hard encouraging him to eat healthy food! Lucy was the same, but she will eat a roast dinner & loads more, its such a pleasure to watch her eat.
Anyway, on sunday we thought its not fair to make Lucy eat healthy so we made Steven a beef roast. This ended up in world war 3 !
How do you cope? His mother doesn't encourage him to eat, he tells her to shut her mouth half the time. I'm sure my partner is scared of upsetting him, but he's going to have to get used to it.
Does anybody else have the same problem?
We said we would treat them all by taking them to the Skydome. My son will eat anything
Should i stop caring? I dread weekends!

I have no advice on being a step-parent, but I am a step-child.

It's hard. It's confusing.
I used to feel angry, cross, sad, bad tempered and would burst into tears but never knew the reason why.

Now I do. I wasn't dealing with Mum and Dad splitting up and having new people in the family. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling because I didn't understand. To be honest I don't think I have ever dealt with it, Mum is now married again so I have another step-dad, and a new step-brother. As an adult I still feel sad over a divorce that happened in my childhood. But, because of it I am the person I am, very happily married with 2 gorgeous sons.

I used to dread and look forward to seeing my Dad at the same time. I used to be scared of dogs, but it was that time of my life (about 10/11 was when I first found it tough) when I got over my fear - I was happiest when we took Sheba, a collie cross, out for a walk. We would go different places, and I always spent time on my own, just a short distance away from the others (my brother and 2 step-brothers), talking to Sheba or just quietly sitting and stroking her. I told her my worries, I cried in her coat. She just loved me - and that helped more than anything. I dont think anyone in the family knows that, Sheba took it all with her when she died. It was my way of coping - it helped, really helped. I also told her, that actually, I quite liked my step-mum!

Meal times for a while were difficult. I love my food, always have, but for a time I was really difficult and would eat very little of anything my step-mum cooked. After a while I got used to going there, and at the age of 16 I moved in with them - my decision!

That may not have been much help to you, but I understand it from the other side.

Time, letting him know you are not trying to replace Mum, be a friend - I think that's all you can do. Don't make meal times a battle ground, serve the meal for everyone, he won't let himself starve.

Good luck.

no you shouldn't.
your partner needs to back you up with a better diet for both of them, he shouldn't be scared of telling his son to show a bit more respect to you or his mum.
i have a 15 yr old lad if he had the chance he would eat anything and everything except healthy food, so part of it is the fact hes a teenage lad.
try sitting down and talking to him, at that age he should be able to understand your concerns and if nothing else shows him you care.
meal times shouldn't be a battle ground, i am the 1st person to say my daughter is a nightmare where veg is concerned and she is the 1 which will try most foods.
theres nothing wrong with caring!

I explained why i was encouraging him to eat healthy.....he just said SO!
I understand why he is angry, he does have a big chip on his shoulder, but really he needs to get over it.
His mum doesn't give him any boundaries. at our house he's not aloud to cross boundaries. He sees himself as man of the house with his mum. (he has kicked her on occasions)
I think he finds it hard to deal with rules at our house.
My problem is that i care too much! Kids don't eat properly these days. Their mum is too lazy to cook them a decent meal .
Why should i tear my hair out over it. Lucy ended up in hospital last year because her diet was so bad . We had told their mum they don't eat enough fruit veg etc. Lucy used to get really constipated. Its agony. I sat up all night with her , while she was in pain. I WILL NOT see her in that state again!!!
Steven looks awful!

hes messed up all teenage lads test the water.
maybe he is expected to be the man in the house etc at hers then coming to yours he feels like a kid again.
have you tried showing him that if he acts his age or more a young man then your'll treat him as such.
it is hard my lad 15 and although hes mine i could trottle him some times with the way he thinks he can speak to us or treat his sister.
if he wants to be treated like an adult he has to earn it and show he has the maturity as well.

I think because my partner feels guilty for the break up.( It was amicable ) This is why i feel he's too soft on him.
I'm not such a push over. I did tell him on sunday that if he acts like a baby i'll treat him like one. His dad did back me up on this.
Whats wrong with beef. I told him what was in beefburgers, just got a SO again. Well we've got beef for the next 10 weeks.
We watched the truth about food last week. A child has to try something 10 times 9 out of 10 end up liking the food. Its gonna be a long 10 weeks.
I got Lucy eating a tuna sandwich on saturday. Shes never tried tuna, shes 12 on thursday She quite enjoyed it & asked me if she could have it again on next saturday.
I hate weekends! I shouldn't. I explain to their dad but he doesn't understand. I can see us splitting up over it
Kids eh!!

was in the same position until he walked out recently. his kids were angels and couldnt do no wrong - in his eyes. the problem is that men who walk out of marriages often feel so guilty that they will do anything to keep the affection of their kids. our situation wasnt helped by his ex stirring the brown stuff and allowing the kids to do whatever they wanted.

sorry for hijacking your thread and rant over.

objectively its hard being a step-parent cos you are dammed whatever you do.

hugs

sue

Thanks for your reply Sue.
Its really hard being a step mum to a teenage lad
I dread the weekends! Oh well, i'm staying out the way this weekend.
I'm leaving all the hassle to his dad. Think i'll pack my bags and take the dogs camping for the weekend

I know how your feeling. I'm afraid to say I feel this is a very common problem. Guilt is a big factor in this problem. When my OH children were younger we had the same arguments, all I can say is that as the kids get older things will get better, but unfortunately it's you that has to put up with the c--p meantime.

I think , first of all, you are dealing with a 15 yr old boy, beleive me, the most well ajusted/mannered boy, can turn into a an alien over night, and suddenly they dont speak English anymore, all they can grunt is SO! WHAT! WHATEVER! So I would`nt worry to much over his negative answers. But he is not a well ajusted lad, he has seen his parents split, maybe he does not have a good homelife with his mum, but sees his dad in a happy relationship, so adding to his already messed up hormones of youth, he has that to deal with.

But that does not mean it is exceptable, but It is your partner who must take responsibility for his son, you need to talk to him make him understand how you are feeeling, it is putting strain on your relationship, he needs to take charge, of his own son, and I would bet his son may be just testing his dad, seeing how far he can push.

As for the eating, ignore it, the more you go on about it , the more he is going to dig his heels in, he is playing a game with you, he knows it winds you up, so dont let it, it will become boring for him, if he only want burgers , let him have them, just do you normal cooking, ask him what he wants if he wants rubbish give it to him. he will grow out of it.

My daughter was the same as a teenager, she would only eat chips, fishfingers, and tomato sauce, the times I tried to get her to eat the same as the rest of us, Now at 22 she eats a very good healthy diet.

You are getting your self into a state, and Steven can see it, so he will be enjoying it, and he is taking all his messed up felling out on you, You need to distance yourself, from it, let him create, and pass the buck over to his dad, it is his responsibility.