A Very Dark And Lonely Place

As some of you will know, I've had a few health issues since last year. I had the tumour successfully removed but am now waiting to see the gyneacologist for problems that I've been experiencing for many years. Having to come off my hormone tablets last year has upset my body terribly, I bloat up for no reason and feel like a beached whale most of the time. The doctor doesn't want me to go back onto them until we get to the root of the problems..I have a cervical cyst but that seems to be dormant so they don't think its related to that, I'm approaching 47 years of age but blood tests show that I'm nowhere near the menopause so have to endure these painful periods every 2 weeks.

Then there is the snoring...I am now waiting to get an appointment with the hospital in Northampton...I saw the consultant at the end of June who thinks I may have sleep apnea (sp?) and I have to have tests done. This has come to a head again today as Clive tells me I'm keeping him awake every night and now I have starting lashing out with my arms in the night. This is news to me as I don't know I'm doing it..I spend all night propped up uncomfortably to try to eliminate the snoring...all to no avail...the first thing he says to me is that he's had a terrible night because of me!

This morning I suggested he should have gone into the spare room or woke me and I would have gone in there..apparently no amount of prodding or pinching will wake me up...and why the hell should he have to move beds and he can't go on for much longer. I know that he can suffer from depression, he's worried about business and the house won't sell, his accountant has let him down and I'm struggling to do the books so I know he has a lot on his plate..but does that give him the right to make me feel that I'm a totally useless waste of space? I don't think so, if I didn't love him so much I wouldn't hang around, but I simply don't feel strong enough to make the break. When we are good it is brilliant but this last month or two has had its ups and downs.

On top of all this I can't stop crying, (in private), because I miss my darling dogs so much...had I known the pain wouldn't get any better I don't think I would have had the operation, would have tried to keep them and tried to battle on despite my failing health. I have to admit that the only reason I go on when I feel like this is because of Leon and if I didn't have him I would have ended things months ago when I realised how painful the loss of my dogs was. Yes, I know they are all in wonderful homes and I try to take strength from that, but I feel that I have a huge empty hole where my heart once was.

Please don't think this is a cry for attention or pity...you have all been so supportive of me but I just needed to offload these emotions somewhere.

I think I might go away somewhere, just me and Leon, for a few days perhaps.

Sheree xxx

oh Sheree, it does sound rather bleak at the moment.

But try to keep your chin up and think of what positives there are.

I think a few days away with just you and Leon might be a good idea - hope you can get something organised.

((((hugs))))

Oh Sheree, so sorry you are feeling like this, you have been through enough.

As for Clive, when i lived with Mia's dad, he was an awful snorer (sp) and i would never get a decent nights sleep, what i would have given for a spare room!!!

I can understand that Clive will be a little short tempered, lack of sleep over a period of time can make you very irritable, believe me i know, the snoring would get so bad some nights i would feel like punching him and yes the relationship did suffer BUT at the same time i did understand that it wasnt his fault and he wasnt doing it on purpose.

I would def give the spare room a go, once Clive has had a few good nights sleep he will see things differently, i'm sure of it, he adores you, he's just very tired, as for you, you need your rest too and sleeping the way you are now will not be doing you any good either, get in that spare room!!!

I know exactly how you feel about your dogs, i know you miss them terribly and giving them up was the last thing you wanted to do but you have to keep reminding yourself that they are happy and loved, you must concentrate on you now, Leon needs you, they all need you, Clive needs you and we need you!!!!!!

Trust me a good nights sleep works wonders!!!!

Huge {{{HUGS}}} to you, i am always here if you want someone to chat too xxxxxxxxx

Sheree I am so sorry. If things are that bad is there no way you can find a nice little place for you and Leon with the proceeds of Snowdrop cottage I suppose not or you would of done.

I can imagine how much you miss the dogs and times like this must make it feel 100 times worse. It doesn't seem like Clive seems to realise the huge sacrifice you have made and I know he has problems too but health problems are so worrying he should be pulling with you not against you.

(((Hugs))) for now. Xx

Huge Hugs Sheree ((((((Hugs))))) x x x x x x x x x

Sheree

It sounds like you are ina bit of a dark place indeed.Nithing in there is permanent though. You have had loads of viewisngs and hospital appointments will arrive.

You have battled so much for as long as I have known you on Dogsey and it must be so hard to still be battling.

I can't make things any better but I can send you some hugs and Fudgey kisses.....

Oh sorry you are so low.
With regards the snoring (i know we talked about it before cos of my OH) ...trust me if you WERE keeping him awake all night he WOULD move into a spare bedroom. Cos if your tired you would do it!! So sounds to me like hes just trying to make you feel bad. If you want to try what my OH uses it does work...its a mouth guard all beit a very expensive one pm me i will let you know about it !
I would go away for a bit for some time out if it was me.
Hugs hun xx

Huge *hugs* Sheree.
It does feel like a dark and lonely place indeed. But you are not alone - when Paul was at his worst in his depression he was as bad as Clive. If you ever want to chat, send me a pm. In the meantime, I would move to the spare room, because it gives YOU a comfortable night's sleep without propping yourself up or worrying about him - and it gives him one less reason to moan to you.
When you are fully rested, you will see things that much clearer. Honest you will.
In the meantime, take all the hugs and prayers I can muster xxx

Thanks Fiona xx

Thanks Jules..I understand that he will be miserable if he's tired, but he should understand that I don't do it on purpose, its almost as if he thinks I'm doing it just to get at him xxx

Thanks Lynn, unfortunately, once my debts were paid, althought the profits from Snowdrop are substantial in my books, they are nowhere near enough to put down on another property, maybe a deposit but then I don't have any income to pay off a mortgage

I don't think Clive does realise just how much it hurt me to part with the dogs, he doesn't understand that they were my children, my reason for living, and nothing I say about it makes it any clearer to him, which is why I have to stifle the sobbing until I can get away from him.

Thanks again xxx

Thanks so much xxx

Thanks Rach..those hugs and kisses and much appreciated xxx

Thanks so much...I did ask the consultant if I should try any of the gadgets but he said I should wait until I have been diagnosed as it can be dangerous I also think he would move if he were that desperate..he has bad habits that I don't like but I don't make him feel bad about himself. Thanks again for the hugs xxx

Thanks so much Pat xxx