So sorry to hear what you are going through Amanda, only just saw this & read through your updates. It does sound like your Mum is being well cared for & hopefully that has taken a little pressure from you. I hope you can now take the precious time you have left with your Mum to share without all the burdens you have had to deal with. My thoughts are with you & you Mum xx

I haven't been on much lately and missed this, I am so sorry you are all going through this awful time. My heart ached for you all reading through the posts but am so pleased that your Mum is now happy to be in the hospice. Now you are all less stressed out you will be able to treasure her final days with you and look back somewhere in the future with less pain knowing that she was as comfortable as she could be. I lost my Mum to cancer at 18 months of age and whilst I never knew her have missed her all my life - it is a horrible disease. Sending love to you both. x

Today is not a good day

Mum's been sleeping 99.9% of the time. She's tired and fed up and doesn't want to talk. Her mood is up and down and she's coming out with some gibberish which seems to be from the morphine. She's had enough, we all know it's time but it's just dragging on I know it sounds awful, but I wish she would let go. She's not my mum, she's got zero quality of life, this isn't even quality time together, it's just sitting in a hospice waiting there just seems no point to it any more.

Having issues with my new washing machine not fitting properly, got to mess around with engineers tomorrow. My sister in law seems to have foot-in-mouth syndrome and has managed to really upset me over the fact that mum and I are really close, but my brother isn't. She's saying how she's going to force him to talk about this so he doesn't get more messed up like he did over our dads death. Going on about people should have forced him to talk when he was younger and handled it better thence wouldn't be so messes up. Makes me feel like she's having a go at my mum, who handled things the best she could. And half the reason bond of us are close to my brother is because he's totally emotionally constipated and has spent his whole life shutting people out Yes part of that may come from his dads death, but there comes a point when you push people away so many times that they stop trying..... I know she doesn't mean it that way, but I don't need to feel like she's insulting my mums parenting skills and insiuating that Tim "wasn't given enough time" and I was favoured. It's totally unfair. My brother brings a lot of this on himself. Frankly I have enough to worry about now with myself and my mum, without having our past psychoanalysed She doesn't mean any harm but she has a very skewed view about my brothers relationship with us and puts him on a pedestal. Plenty of people loss their parents when they are kids, you can't blame all of his issues on that...or how my mum tried to handle it. I just have enough to deal with without having to tiptoe around my brother and his irrational idiosyncrasies

Additionally Cain is suffering. Although my OH is dog sitting and my trainer is walking him, he's unsettled as mums missing entirely and I'm barely home. Yesterday he shredded a loo roll and a plastic bag, he hasn't done that sort of thing since he was a puppy. My OH says he won't settle in the house tonight, he keeps walking in the room and barking at him And to make matters worse, my dog trainer is on holiday for a week next week so can't walk him!

feeling very very stressed today.

oh hunnie It's a horrible, horrible time for you. I so wish there was something I could say or do that could help, but of course there isn't really.

My beloved grandma died 2 years ago, and at the end she was barely conscious, but wouldn't let go. On my last visit to her, she was sleeping and I just whispered in her ear as I was leaving 'it's time to go Gran, granda's waiting, you go meet him' and that was the last time I saw her as she passed in the night. Perhaps your mum is waiting on permission, as silly as that may seem.

Sending you lots of ((hugs)) and wishing you strength and comfort through these difficult days xx

Aww Amanda sorry to hear its not been a good day

It is so sad when you reach the point where there's little quality of life but its amazing how long the body struggles on for.
I think there will always be good days and bad days; ,my aunt kept holding on for an incredibly long time, beyond what seems fair and had up days and down days. On the day before she passed she was in a more animated good mood than usual, she even wanted a small glass of wine.

I hope the next few days aren't too difficult for you all.. are you still off work?

It's a shame your sister in laws making things difficult too.. theres no need to bring up the past and its not really fair of her; I'm sure she doesnt mean to hurt you but it cant be nice for you

Poor Cain although I'm sure he'll get used to the situation soon enough, its not good timing with Dave being away though

My thoughts have been with you over the last few days. Hugs to you and Cain XXX

Sorry to hear what a difficult day you have had.

As the morphine is increased your Mum will feel very sleepy and confused. It is hard to watch but that morphine ensures she is not suffering any pain.

I agree with what Alexgirl said about giving permission to let go. That has been my experience too.

You take care of yourself and try not to take SIL's comments to heart. Everyone will be feeling the stress right now but it doesn't help.

I hope you can chill with Cain and he settles soon. xx

thinking of you. xxx

You are doing an amazing job. Try and rise above the unhelpful comments...people say all sorts of wierd stuff at times like this, and it really doesn't help you.

Maybe you need to let your Mum know that you'll be OK without her, and that she can go knowing what a great job she's done. Or maybe she's worried about your brother too? I don't know, but I know Daddy hang on to try not to ruin my sister's birthday...the dying can be too considerate for their own good.

Poor Cain...he knows better than anyone just how much you're hurting, the lovely boy.

I hope your Mum finds peace soon. Love and strength xx

Amanda, you are going through such a heartbreaking time. I really feel for you. Although your mum may seem asleep, she can still hear you.

My mum was heavily sedated during her last hours, but we were all with her, and when dad spoke to her, we did see a reaction from her. She tried to open her eyes. My dad didn't want her to know that she wasn't going to survive her illness.

Talk to your mum.... she can hear you.

Your SIL shouldn't be voicing her opinions at this time. You have enough emotions flying at the moment.

You have the comfort that Cain is with your OH whilst you are with your mum. At least he isn't alone in the house. I am sure that he knows you'll make things up to him.

You take care of yourself. Thinking of you. x x

Can't add anything other than thinking of you.