Argh! Men!

My OH keeps changing his mind about moving in together and it is driving me nuts!

We have only been dating for a relatively short amount of time but have been upfront about where we are going and what we want. We are long distance (Not by much but enough to make a difference) and he currently lives with me at mine from Friday through to Monday.

A few months ago we were both looking for places to live and talked about moving in together. We both decided it was a bit too soon though and he stayed living with his mum while I moved into a flat of my own. Since then, he has continuously mentioned living together and I was quite happy with that. However, I'm very independent so moving in together isn't a high priority and I certainly haven't been pushing the idea - if anything, it has been him broaching the subject. What I don't like, however, is the fact that he keeps letting me down on the issue and changing his mind.

Three times now he's talked about moving in together, then changed his mind. Last time it happened I told him that I wasn't fussed if he didn't want to live together yet but that I didn't want him to get my hopes up if he was going to change his mind again a few weeks later. He said he understood but he has gone and done it again and I'm really frustrated by it

I have just got a job and the contract on my flat is up in 3 months so he had said that perhaps we could start looking for a place together that is somewhere between my city and his. Then tonight he has said how he will 'only' live in Birmingham (his city) and that because that is too much of a commute for me (2 hours), we simply won't be moving in together unless I get a job in Birmingham. I am not in a position to give up my job (and do not want to) or find a new job for at least 3 years because all jobs I want to do require a minimum of 3 years experence within the field.

Realistically I am not bothered if we do not move in together for another year or so but I am sick of having my feelings hurt when I've asked him not to do that. Plus I'm annoyed that he will not even consider compromising on what he wants for just a year or two.

Can anyone relate?

I can relate to you not being bothered, before meeting Patrick I had a flat that I had for 10 years, I dated a guy which was (in my eyes then) everything I wanted ATT, he was alittle like your guy one second talking of moving in the next staying at home with his Mother.

I have to admit to telling him I liked things just the way they were, but then ATT I loved my own space and liked the fact that I could shut the door and not have anyone around me

Obviously for me it turned out the best thing as I met Patrick and the rest is history. But I think if I felt he was messing me about I'd tell him to leave it for another year and release the flat that your in if you can. If there is no hurry to be together 24/7 then things will sort themselves out when the time is right IMO

Hope you get it sorted to suit you both xxx

I can relate - sort of but you've read my thread. Can't help you sorry. But I hope you work it out soon Hugs from us and slobbery kisses from the dogs x x

My OH half recently asked me to move in, but im not quite there yet so i said no. i love my own flat, my own things and i do like a bit of peace away from everyone at time. Maybe thats my selfish side kicking in. Im a bit old fashioned too, for me to give up my life as it is, i would want a bit more a committment from him, to me that engagement/wedding, but thats just me.

Its not like we dont spend time together, mon-thurs we stay at his, fri-sun at mine, and we work together!

If you are happy with the way things are, thats good, im not keen on him saying i will only live here, so you have to compromise. It should be a happy meeting in the middle.

best of luck.

A very good friend of mine, [she bought the first Griffon pup I bred and we stayed friends until she tragically died a couple of years ago] had a wonderful 25 year relationship with her OH, but she kept her house and he kept his. Neither wanted children so they did not see why they should [a] get married, or [b] live together all the time.

That suited them, but it would not suit everyone.

Me? I lived with my husband for four years before we got married. And then divorced the bar steward when I was pregnant with my second baby.

Honestly, I think your career right now is more important than any man, how old are you?

He shouldn't chop and change his mind, that's not fair, if he's not sure than he should just say that . Him not compromising on location sounds like he's not ready either.

My fella asked me to move in with him 9 years ago, we'd been together a year, I was only 19 and instead moved away to the university I always wanted to study at, a good few hundred miles away. He went to Australia for a year, lol! 10 years later we're married and expecting our first baby with good careers under our belts and the rest, it will work out. If he lets you down you will have your career and your own way in life to carry on, don't compromise anything just yet.

I have no advice as it hasn't happened to me, but I feel for you. I hope you come to a happy medium soon! I think it's unfair he's being so adament about Birmingham, unless he has valid reasons for needing to stay.

Thank you I think the fact that he doesn't have any real reason to refuse to move out of Birmingham is why it bothers me so much! He has this dream of living with his best friend but his best friend is currently workig in Japan and will be for at least another year so it's not like it would have harmed him to compromise until he gets back to the UK. He does have family near Birmingham but I have family in Leicester so I thought a compromise was fair.. oh well!

Haha sounds like things worked out for the best for you then, and congrats on the baby! I must admit, I'm not the sort to compromise on career either - I want a job I like and if that means living apart for a few more years then so be it. As you said, I am young (18, 19 in a month! ) so I can take my time!

It just really winds me up because not only is he playing with my feelings but I feel like he's being completely unreasonable about the whole 'I will not move out of Birmingham!' especially because he is being very specific about what he wants in a house and we just cannot afford what he wants (4 bed house with a garden ) in Birmingham!

It sounds like you live a very interesting life! Your friend sounds like she had the right idea - a long lasting partnership but with lots of space!

That's what I thought, then neither of us ends up feeling resentful! Ho hum, I shall just have to wait until he gets more realistic.
Aw, it's good that you were able to say no As others have said, there's no rush is there? I think it's worse to rush into something if you're not ready than to just take a little time.

Yeah, I must admit I'm glad my OH can't drive after reading about your predicaments The hugs and doggy kisses are much appreciated!

Thank you! I think I'm definitely like you, I love having my own space away from everyone! And the independence of having my own flat is quite nice too

I like the idea of telling him to leave it for a year, I did that last time when he was messing me around and it worked for a bit I might just tell him that I don't think we should talk about it for a while and see where that gets us

Is he planning on learning to drive? It really does give you a whole lot more flexibility in terms of living places. I was limited in places I could live before I drived because of work - had to turn down a nice quite houseshare with a lovely resident dog because public transport to work (or anywhere, really!) would have been a nightmare! I got the bus over and it took me about an hour to get to the house, when it's only about a 15 minute drive from where I was. I'd probably never have got with OH if I hadn't drove because again, the journey by public transport would have been much more complicated than by car. Maybe, if he's thinking about it, he could aim to be driving by next year to open up the options of where you could both live?

I think you're right and the fact that he doesn't drive is a big part of where he wants to live. But then again, I don't drive either (although I'm learning so I'm at least more ahead than him!) and my job is quite rural compared to his job which is in the city so realistically, not driving has less of an impact on him than on me.

He keeps saying he wants to learn to drive but as with living together, he keeps changing his mind and never getting round to it! I've tried to persuade him to learn - he's now employed but up until last Friday he was getting £60 a week so I suggested he used £20 of that every other week to pay for a driving lesson but he just ended up making excuses.

I feel a bit like i'm hitting my head against a brick wall!