Help - more teenage tantrums

& I didn't handle it very well.
She talks to me like a piece of **** & constantly provokes me. It all started over something so trivial & rather than keep arguing I left the room in the end & told her to leave me alone - but she wouldn't, she just kept on & on telling me she'll do what she wants bla bla bla...
Well I lost my temper & got up & smacked her. She hit me back & I grabbed hold of her hair - then she punched me in the head knocking me backwards & cutting me with her ring & threw a bottle of drink at me. Her elder brother pulled her off & then she attacked him & bit him on the side (he has a nasty bite mark on him)
She went totally mental - so what have I done?
I've kicked her out... I got her dad to collect her from her friend's & she's now at his, she packed some stuff & I've taken her keys off her.
I've had abusive texts & calls from her all night which ended in "I'm sorry" can I come home now. I've said no.
of course I want her home & it's breaking my heart. My hub says I've got to be strong & let her know I won't tolerate her lack of respect anymore. I just don't know what to do though.
I've only ever hit her once before & she has always said if you ever hit me I will hit you back -I'm not a violent person. My son wanted to ring the police when she went for him but I stopped him.

Oh hun, what an awful situation.

Yes you shouldn't have smacked her, but her reaction was completely OTT.

Does she generally have anger issues? I'm wondering whether some form of counselling may help - it might be worth considering as a condition for her coming back? Perhaps some family counselling as well might help you all to understand each other a little better?

If not, I think your hubby is right. Tough as it is she has to learn that if she's living in your house, she has to abide by your rules and show some respect.

Big hugs, it must be so upsetting for you.

Oh poor you! How old is your daughter? I really sympathise we are only just entering this phase and to be fair its making toddler tantrums seem like a dream.

It's so difficult to remain calm when they know just what buttons to push and keep on and on!

I think you both need some space and time to calm down then I guess it's back to square one and discussions about what went wrong and why. Your house your rules and if she wants to live there she has to respect them.

Thanks Hali - I can't stop crying. Would never dream I would chuck her out.
She does have anger issues, but I don't know why - even my ex(her dad) said she's pyscho. We were in a school meeting last week & all her knuckles were cut after she had punched a glass panel at a friend's house. She kept saying everyone annoys me (meaning the teachers) though she put it more rudely than that. She's lost the plot at school & said she was never going back! though she calmed down after a while & has to go in tommorrow which is inset day to make up time for walking out of school & going to town!
I've said to her you need help & your'e not coming back until you get it.

Thanks - she's 16 & leaves school this year. She's lost interest in school & doesn't want to go to college. I think her grades are going to be bad.
I can't get the thought out of my head that she could be taking something.

At 16 though she is still young. Can you help her to get the help? What have the school said about her behaviour there? Is there someone at the school who can help? It kind of sounds like it is more than teenage tantrums. Are the school able to refer her to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) to see if they can offer you any help and make an assessment of her.

Have you brought up the subject of her taking something?

It's so difficult for you all it's hard to know what to suggest.

I think that's right, but it is also a big thing for anyone, let alone a 16 year old to admit that she needs help and to seek it. Equally forcing her probably won't help either. Somehow I think you have to find a way of encouraging her to get help and supporting her through it, but I have no idea how you achieve that

There is a counseller at school they can talk to. That's who we spoke to last week & the ex is going in with her tommorrow so hopefully will get to speak to her as there will be no other students there.
Anything outside of school she thinks is a load of old claptrap & insists she is fine & it's because I wind her up & other people annoy her! She knows she gets angry & we have spoken about it lots. She goes through the same pattern of flying off the handle/not backing down/ says some really nasty & hurtful things......... then eventually backs down/cries/ says "sorry I will change" & then is back to her gobby self within hours!
Of course I've asked her about drugs & she denies it.

Have you tried your local Youth Service? Only ours has mentors who will step in and talk to the kids in their own language? And they`re usually people the kids look up to.
She is obviously struggling to come to terms with growing up, and you`re a safe target.
It will pass. I was vile to my mum at that age but we became best of friends when I eventually stopped being a twonk.
x

teenage daughters are a nightmare but it does get better.

mine was the same as yours, so i sympathise loads.

i know shes still young and vunerable but i do think sending her to her dads is the right thing for both of you. she might calm down being away from you and you will see that you did right.

i would let her make her own decisions on what she wants when she leaves school, and you need to back her. if it fails then just be there for her but dont, whatever you do, tell her 'i told you so'. be sympathetic and ask her what else she wants.
letting them make these decisions makes them feel more grown up and the angst starts to stop.

dont forget teenagers 'know it all' and we need to let them make mistakes because thats the only way they learn about the real world.

also if she rings you, or visa versa, tell her you still love her and that sending her to her dads is not a punishment but time out for both of you and you will meet up soon.

good luck and dont beat yourself up, you've done the best thing.