I know it takes a lot longer for me to get over things thanmost people....but this is truely the first time since I was about 15 that I've been happy and I can't just let go. I think it will take months rather than days or weeks to see what happens with us. I will move on, but not in the romantic sense....

I love her, and I can't get let go of that.....I shouldn't argue like I do, I really lose it, and so does she but she's never argued with anyone apart from me in her life, and yet I've argued with my parents like it, so I really am quite sure that the problem lies with me not her. I love her xxxx

Well then Lorna, if you've spotted a problem in yourself, then at least SOME good has come out of this. If you can at least accept the fact that you might perhaps be an argumentative person? (sorry!)there must be some help out there for you somewhere? In which case, you ought to go along to one of these anger management classes, see how you get on, and then when you've got yourself under control, write a nice letter toTracy (if you haven't heard from her by then)tell her exactly what you've been up to and how you've now sorted yourself out, etc. etc. and you never know,she might be willing to give it a try again, especially if her circumstances have changed by then too?

If you can see it in yourself that you're a hot headed person and it's something you need to deal with, then there's got to be a reason for why you are like this, and if you get some help from somewhere, they will be able to delve deeply into your inner self and determine where it all stems from, bring it out into the open so you can face it, and voila,you'll be able to deal with it.

Nobody wants a relationship with someone who's angry, not only will it instil fear in them, but it's not a happy situation for them to live with someone who they've got to tiptoe around all the time in case they go off on one is it!!! It's no good you saying to her you'll change coz you've probably already done that bit and she doesn't believe you - seeing is believing, so make sure you can back it up with an anger management course you've attended and then she might believe you? You've really got nothing to lose now have you, and it'll make you a much easier person to live with. I was an absolute nightmare to live with up until about 10 years ago, and I keep saying to my husband now, "I don't know how you put up with me"!!! He said he wouldn't do now, he's come to his senses, but then again, I'm not like that anymore, now that I've mellowed with age! Even my mother once told him he should leave me!!! So I do know where you're coming from on that score!!

It won't be good to get into another relationship just now anyway, even if it's months down the line, whether it's Tracy or someone new, you'll be a much nicer person to be with when you've quietened down a bit hey??!! Take care.xxxx

Hi hun,

You're absolutely right....if I tell you the full story of my life you wouldn't believe it, from a very young age, lets say I've had issues because of someone, and I never dealt with them, then my mum died in my arms, and just after, Tracy finished with me, and to cut a long story short, I had a nervous breakdown, I went into the Priory hospital, and I got better so to speak, but I was still on anti depressants, as I still am. Things went well, we got married, had a few rocky patches, but we got through them, then I got diagnosed with this cyst on the back of my brain, and ever since, my whole personality has changed. Its no excuse, I've always been hot headed, but it never turned to violence, and she had never hit me until about 6 months ago either. This is just worse than I ever thought it could be.... I spoke to my therapist earlier, and we're going ahead with me being her patient again, I'm being referred to a psychiatrist (makes me sound nuts.....I'm not, I'm just very ) and yeh, I'm going to take it from there....

I think I'm going to see about going back to my taekwondo training and stuff....as well as doing some ringcraft with Blue....

I'm sorry to keep on about this to everyone, I'm sure you're all throughly bored of me by now... I just wish everything was different, and I was back with her tonight! xxx

stop saying sorry.....you need to talk to help you.
it doesn't matter how many pages it takes.
if you need help to get over things in your past then go for it, and hopefully it can only help you with your future.
allow yourself time to get better in what ever form that is you cant move forward if things are affecting you from the past.
above all remeber we are here might not be much help but we are all rooting for you to be happy.

im sorry honey,but if you are going through all this termoil then she should be supporting you not seeing some1 else

i went through severe postnatal depression with both my boys,which lead to a more servere form of depression.
i was on the highest dose of anti depresants going,my OH was out of his mind,he even quite work bcoz he thought i was going to comit suicide
then,i feel ill and was hospitalised with cysts on my oviaries,
they cause me so much pain that im bed ridden at times,im on a high dose of pain killer,i mite have to have them removed by the time im 26
bcoz of this we lived on benifits 4 over ayear as i wasnt 'stabble'
im continuously on highs and lows,ive said awful thing to paul,tried to kick him out,im the worst OH in the world at times
then,pauls dad died and i was a wreck,no support to him at all,then,last xmas i lost my dad and my grandad in the space of 2weeks,im now back on anti depressants and seeing a shrink
you've been through alot,so av i,difference is my OH hasnt used it as an excuse to see sum1 else,hes stuck by me
dont mean to sound harse hunny but you deserve better

I know Tracy must sound like she's giving up, but I love her, at the end of the day, I can't be without her, I'm sobbing my heart out right now as its been over 24 hours since I've spoken to her, which is the longest its been for over a year and a half. She's always been a bit of a commitment phobe...I think she's just going through Grass is Greener, I hope thats what it is....I want her back eventually....if I can convince her to have me.

I love her more than anything, and I'm angry at myself for not sorting my anger beforehand. But I'm going to do everything in my power to sort it now, and hopefully prove to her that I can be nice....

The thought of 2moro makes me want to not wake up, I hate feeling suicidal again, I wouldn't do anything at the moment because I couldn't abandon my two spotties, but I do wish I had the strength to do it - I'd love to be with my mum...

I miss Tracy so much, to top it all off I had a huge row with dad earlier, as he won't let me stay with both of my dogs at his and his wife-to-be's house, so I've got to take one, and have the other one fostered for 2 months, so I lose yet another dog during this mess. I feel so down. I wish I could just have the pain taken away, I didn't think I'd ever go through this again, I thought I was married for life - I certainly meant it when I said my vows and I'm hurting as I thought she did too....

Sorry yet again, I'm rambling!!! Now I've got to save some money for more therapy, and for a deposit for a house...which reminds me I need to cut off my NTL account to her house.....

I miss my stepson, I hope he's not hurting too much, I love him...

CC it sounds like you've really been through the mill, you're lucky to have someone so strong to support you! I hope you're ok, always here if you need to talk (even though I sound completely self centered at the moment....)

Thank you all again for your support, xxxx

your not self centred hunny
dont think that way.
i was just trying to tell you that one day (if you and tracey dont get back together) you will find sum1 that will stick withyou through thick and thin
i blamed myself for loseing my ex(at the time) as i was going through anorexia(if thats how you spell it!),i kept thinking'hes seeing sum1 else becoz of me'
i just dont want you getting hurt again,wen you've got emotional probs as it is your world feels like it is falling apart,and you think'mayb its better if i just finished it'
but really,from sum1 who knows exactly where you are at the mo,it does get better,im not going to lie and say this happens over nite,it doesnt,for me personally it took almost a year b4 i felt like me again,even then i didnt realise it was me as i hadn't been on my own 4so long(if that makes ne sense)

i may think your more crazy if you take her back but i would of done the same,at the time that is.
im glad i didnt as i would neva of met paul,i didnt think id love again let alone more than i did my ex,but ive neva felt so happy,secure and in love with sum1 in my life,
it makes me smile just thinking about him

woteva you decide luv,were there for you,
i just want to say,if you and tracy do get back together,remember why you split up in the first place,you may have probs but theres probs she needs to sort out too,she cant just leave you everytime sumthing goes wrong,especially wen she should be supporting you

I know, I wish she hadn't, and I still think her ex is involved, but right now I feel like things couldn't be worse, I've got to foster out one of my dogs, which makes it ten times as hard. I miss the life I had with her, the taking the dogs to the beach together, little things like kisses in the kitchen etc. I just feel like there is no hope without her. I know it gets easier with time, but I don't want it to get easier. I feel like I've had my happy times, I've had perfection in my life, and now its gone - I'm just going to have to keep on existing now, and try to get through each day, although to be honest I don't see much point!

xx

im so sorry about you having to foster one of your dogs,thats all you need at the moment
if all you do is just keep on exsisting for now(even though you want to curl up and not wake up) then atleast thats something.
take one day at a time,theres not much else you can do

we're all here wen you need to talk,no1 will judge you.we all av our probs,i seem to have a never ending list of them

chin up

At least I've got lots of people on here who have been so kind to me! Everyone has been so supportive, I don't think I'd have got through this week if people hadn't been so lovely!

xxxx