I just don't know what to do anymore...

I’m not good at talking about me, or my problems… but im just feeling so awful and lost just now that I just need to get it out…

i just don’t know what to do anymore… I feel like I mess everything in my life up. Im 20, I live with my parents, I don’t drive and im doing nothing… I meant to be a college this year, but I haven’t been for the last 3 months. I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), and a big part of that is feel depressed so I sometimes just find it so hard to get up and out the door to go to college. i don’t even know if the college will let me go back after Christmas. I just feel I have messed it all up so much… and that I am doing absolutely nothing with my life. I work, but its rubbish hours with not the greatest pay.

I also feel I have no friends… I have friends I text and call but don’t really see any of them. for one reason or another all the friends I had at school, are no longer friends. I used to have 3 really close girl friends at school, but they all went of the uni and made other friends, and me and my male friend who was also part of our wee group, were basically just ditched as we didn’t see them anymore. But now I don’t see him much either coz we live a fair distance away, and neither of us drive. And to get to his it is either about an hours walk or 2 buses so its not easy to see him regularly. And my other friends I have drifted from for a variety of reason, such as, saying horrible things to me and making me feel worthless, stealing from me, distance etc… it makes me feel so lonely sometimes…

And then I have problems with my bf. Because of the BPD, it can make me very difficult sometimes. I admit that, I can be clingy and I often don’t trust him so I sometimes question him and he just feels closed in… I know what I do to him, and how I make him feel. And I have improved immensely but I do still have my problems that I am working on. But while I have my problems, he does too… he has severe anger, and so sometimes he just doesn’t have any patience for me and will go into a mood over practically nothing… and can stay in that mood for days, without saying a word to me.

Today, we had a massive fight. We were meant to go out for new years, but while I was round at his earlier he told me we weren’t doing anything. He was going out with his mates. I was so angry but I didn’t say anything coz I didn’t want a fight, but he could tell from my face. So he just told me to get my stuff together and leave. I didn’t understand why he was reacting like that, so I tried to talk to him and he just flipped. He started going crazy, screaming and shouting. So I got my stuff, and he ran me home. The whole way we were fighting and yelling at each other, and he told me he didn’t want to see me ever again. He has said this a few times before, and always does talk to me once he has calmed down. But he once went 5 days without talking or texting me. when he gets angry, he doesnt think about what he is saying and how it makes me feel. and when he isnt angry, he admits he does that but there is just no reasoning with him when he is in that state... he said really hurtful things to me today though... 'freak', 'psycho', 'crazy', just to name a few...

Part of BPD is fear of abandonment. So now I am going crazy, I don’t know what to do… he might never talk to me again, and just cut me off… I don’t know what I will do without him. I love him so much, and I do absolutely anything for him… and he does the same for me. Through everything that I have been through the last few years, he has been my rock. He is always there when I need him, and im always there for him. I know I probably sound so ridiculous and desperate, but I do love him so so much. He loves me too, and I know he cares about me a lot. The things he does and way he acts shows me that, but why does he need to do this to me… he does much worse things to me, and I never ever treat him like this… he just has such a bad temper, he did get help for it but it didn’t work…

I just don’t know what to do anymore… and now its 2010 and it just feels like this year will be as bad as the last...

Hi Loseybear,

I am a fellow PD sufferer, I have tendencies of several PDs, BDP amongst them.
I have been on and off meds and various therapies over the past few year, and I have been off work for the past 9 month as the depression part was keeping me from functioning properly.
The key is finding the right support team for you, I had to change GP during my last crisis as my normal GP as unavailable and boy am I glad I changed. She looked at my notes and questioned the medication I was on and changed them, kept on seeing me until we managed to find a space on a therapy program. (My previous GP had recommended yoga and herbal medecine for a previous bout of clinical depression).
I as also extremely lucky to have been referred to a psychiatric department that doesn't do CBT for PDs but teaches you to mentalize, and I have to say that it is currently working for me. I have learned that rather than distract my minds from my feelings I have to pause and think about them before they get too much, I have also learned to put myself in others people shoes when it comes to my actions and what I say. There are times when I still feel alienated by the entire planet, but now once I have acknowledged the feeling I focus on the why I am feeling that way rather then being caught up in the feeling.
It took me quite a lot of time to actually understand BDP, and accept it as part a part of me, and no I am learning to manage it on a day to day basis.
To be fair sometimes it goes out of the window, but I am making progress.
So all I can say is hang in there

Damn,I got your name wrong

I dont think she will mind great advice BTW

Hi Lauren,

I'm not sure I can really advise you on your problems, as I have no experience of them. However, the advice given by Sandrine75 seems good, and may be a way forward for you.

For what it's worth, I think your boyfriend needs to address his issues again rather than just trying to deal with them. They are not helping him or you.

Not much else to offer (sorry) but wanted to say that I'm always here for you if you want to chat.

Huge hugs, sweetie - keep your chin up x0x

Not a lot more to add, only to say that keep plugging away at the docs. I know when hubby had a very debilitating depression our excellent GP told us there were a dozen or so meds he could try. Not always does the first one work. It took quite a few goes, but now he has a combo that enables him to function as if he had no depression.
I do feel for you hon, its very difficult to make relationship decisions when you aren't well yourself. Keep going back to the doc until you find something that works for you *hugs*

When I am in full BPD mode, I ould think this was done on purpose

i know about the depression bit am currently on the sick with it, am taking the tablets and will be looking at counselling in the now the new year is here all i can say is take one day at a time, i am very fortunate in that my dear other half understands and is being very supportive, and it sounds like that is what you need, no point to the post really except to let you know you're not alone in feeling like that. Hugs hun

You deserve better than the boyfriend you had,if he tries to get back tell him to take a hike. He doesn't understand and he isn't going to ever. He isn't worth it. Don't think so little of yourself that you take him back. I know it is hard but you can survive without him and one day find someone who doesn't treat you like that and hasn't got a bad temper.

Do you have a supportive doctor? If so ask him to write a letter to the college and go in and see them to explain in person. I know our local one is very good with support for medical problems.

You have the entry into a group of people because you have a dog. Look around locally for classes of some kind you can get to and pop along to watch.If they seem a good group of people join and have some fun.

How do your parents feel about everything? Do they understand?

Take care---and trust the future that is there for you and that you will make for yourself.

rune

hugs to you lozzi.

really good advice from sandrine there and i wonder if some of your feelings of isolation are impacting on your relationship too. it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with everything, friends, college, the future and your boyfriend.

you could start by going and speaking to someone in pastoral care at the college. they should try to help you sort something out. whether it's to catch up with your work (what course is it btw?) or to find out other options for you. it is only the first term you've missed and sometimes that isn't a huge problem.

i still lived at home when i was 20 and there are plenty of reports out there at the moment about 30 and 40 somethings having to return to the family home due to the recession!

please don't think you have messed up. you're doing a brilliant job with a pretty high maintenance pup and you're a valued member of this place that's for sure! it's hard when everything seems to be working against you but believe me, it really isn't. you could look on today as a fresh start and the beginning of your future.

college opens tomorrow so that would be a good start and then you will feel as if you're doing something and not just seeing it pass you by. go back to your doctors too and explain just how you are feeling. keep talking though, don't bottle it up.

take care. xxxxxxxx