Just needed to pour my heart out

Now normally I am not the sort of person to wallow in self-pity, but things are finally taking it toll on me. Over the last few years I have had some health issues, which has left me slightly disabled, except in my view, I have to use a crutch to aid me in walking, as I fall over a lot, I used to work for social services, but unfortunately they now have medically retired me. I miss my job, well I miss the children and colleagues, I don’t miss the stress that went with my job.
The last stroke I had was last month, so people around me keep telling me its early days yet. I am back out walking Poppy and Megan, which is my only escape, it’s the only time I feel really happy, except one very very big problem, I cannot walk my Brucie yet and I don’t know when I will be able, and this may sound really silly, but this is what is making me feel depressed, I have tried to explain to friends and family, but I’m just getting laughed at, Bruce gets walked by my OH, we walk them all together sometimes, the problem is I make time to walk them, where my OH will walk him if he has time , I understand that my OH is under stress at the moment with me in and out of hospital and we have just found out that my father in law has bowl cancer, the doctors said they can operate, but dad has dementia and won’t let them operate, my OH is installing a wet room for his mum and dad to help them, mum is 83 and dad is 90, so poor Bruce is not getting as many walks as he normally gets. I make sure he gets special time just him and me in the garden and we walk around our little plot in ever decreasing circles.
I am not worried about me getting hurt if I walked Bruce, but I like to think of myself as a responsible dog owner and I don’t know if I could hold him if he took flight, see he gets very fearful and then he barks and runs, we still walk him on a gentle lender, but he is extremely strong and he still can pull on it.
Sorry this must sound as I am sitting here wallowing in self pity, but I was hoping that someone on here may understand or maybe going through something similar.
Since losing my job my animals have become my world and I feel that I am slowing losing myself within, I never though I would be pouring my heart out on the Internet, but I suppose I am scared that if I keep phoning friends to tell them how I feel, they are going to get fed up with it all, see I am the person that people talk to not the other way round.
It’s amazing, even though I am married and have my OH family and some friends, I do feel very lonely, if I didn't have my dogs I know I would have loss it by now.
On Thursday I tried talking to my GP but he just smiled and said its early days and I had nothing to get depressed about, I also asked him if there was a possibility I would be able to get my driving licence back, because they wrongly diagnosed me a few years back with epilepsy, I haven’t got epilepsy, I just pass out because I have low blood pressure but it seems to be controlled now with steroids, fingers crossed, I feel that having my driving licence back would give me some independence, where I live is pretty rural the nearness bus stop is about 4 miles away.
Well if you got though this epic post well done and thank you for taking the time to read it. Funny thing is it has made me feel a little better just writing this.

Would a cyber {{{hug}}} help? Because I have lots of them and you can have as many as you want!

So sorry to hear this-I don't think you are wallowing in self-pity just stating how things are for you at the moment and they do sound difficult.

My parents were elderly (Dad died last year at 86) and it is hard as Mum was his carer and she was finding it increasingly hard to cope towards the end.

I don't think your Dr's comment that you had "nothing to get depressed about" was very helpful or understanding. My Dr has put me on anti-depressants for a while as I realised I wasn't coping and I feel much better since.

Don't feel that you have to give out all the time-if friends are true friends they will be there to give you an understanding listening ear when you need it.

I also found it helpful to write down each day something that I was pleased about that had happened during the day, or something I had accomplished that day. This lifts me up when I feel that nothing nice is going on!

When you're feeling down, Dogsey can be the best place in the world to offload. So many of us on here have various problems, both mental and physical, there's bound to be someone who has some experience of what you're feeling.

I understand totally how you feel about Brucie but it sounds to me like you are compensating him very well, and I'm sure he isn't deprived in any way.

Your OH will do his best for everyone concerned. I feel for you both at the moment, but please, take heart, things will improve....... time is a wonderful thing......

Large hugs coming your way honey xxx

Thanks Malka




Thank you Kerryowner, I didn't think my GP was very helpful either,
they was talking about anti-depressants in hospital, but i am on 26 tablets a day at the moment and the anti-depressants didn't seems to mix well, so they left it,

I love your idea about writing down your accomplishments for the day, I'm going to try that.
again thanks for reading

Kay

Kay, can I tell you honestly that when I read your other thread with the pictures of Musky and the other two I really was thinking how lucky you are.

Of course we don't mind you talking about your situation, lots of people do it on Dogsey, no one minds in the least, so don't worry about that.

And also I can see that you have a few things occupying you at the moment, all I can say is that if you feel you are at a 'down' point then the only way from now on is 'up'

I hope you can get your licence back, you might have to get a medical letter confirming you are OK to drive but I believe if you can get that then DVLA should re-issue it to you. I agree that being able to drive does give a sense of freedom and independance.

I do hope you can see things in a better light soon, I still think you are incredibly lucky to have such gorgeous dogs.

oh thanks Vicki for the support, it has helped to unload and I'm sure Brucie will be OK, it's me that's having the guilt trip

Eek - that is three more than I take!

I was offered anti-depressants because the hospital could not understand why I am not depressed - sure I feel down at times, I think anyone would in my situation, but I do not think I need any more tablets to add to the "junk" that I already have to take.

And now I am also having to medicate poor Pereg so the pile of pill boxes just adds up and up and up. So many at this time. So many at that time. So many and so many times that I have had to make out a chart to fix onto the wall behind my computer - actually two charts as one is on the door of my refrigerator

Next it will be setting an alarm clock to remind me of what I have forgotten

As for not being able to take Bruce out - I can only take Pereg out with her lead fixed to my big mobility scooter and I cannot even manage that every day, but she is happy and content and that is all that matters.

Here, have another {{{hug}}}

Malka & Pereg x

Sending you big cyber hugs...

I know I dont know you and you dont know me but I can really relate to what you are saying...

Last June I was alking woofs fell over (not dogs fault) and dislocated and broke ankle in 3 places...surgery and physio later and then I re fractured it in Dec (only managed to be back at work for 4 weeks)...have hurt it again 2 weeks ago and physio thinks its ligament and or bone damage-hosp appt this Tuesday...am dreading it..anyway enough of me...

I can totally understand the friends part and how they "get fed up" hearing about how you feel etc sometimes i just feel like a broken record and have to "make" myself be happy and pretend alls well when it isnt....I can understand the walking your dog bit...I havent been able to walk my woofs since June last year-not properly eg 1-2 hours as I used to, I can only manage 10-20 mins and at the moment nothing. I too rely on family to walk woofs and I feel guilty for not doing myself. Luckily, my GP has been brilliant at time of upset and feeling like its neverending...she said I dont need anti-depressents...just take one day at a time...and she is right...

Im sure you can get your driving licence sorted out with your GPs help...you will get there--yes it will prob take time but as said just take one day at a time...offload on here as often as you need to...esp if it does make you feel better about things...I know Id have been lost without this laptop Im using and the internt--its how I found this forum!!

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time xxxxx

A few things struck me that you wrote

And to your dogs you are the world, please don't feel like you are failing Bruce, these dogs know when you aren't yourself and they adapt, as long as they have you they are happy and have everything, take comfort in them they give great hugs xxx

My sister was wrongly diagnosed with epilepsy, they took her driving liscense away for 12 months, turns out she has mild narcolepsy now controlled with drugs, and she now has it back, she is also profoundly deaf, I'm sure you will get it back hun xxx