Massive shock....CSA - potential to lose everything (sorry very long post)

Feeling really really down and depressed at the moment. Its quite a long story so pleae forgive me if i ramble on but i am incredibly upset. Basically i have been with my OH for 3 years now. About once a year he gets a phone call from CSA asking him if he is the father to an old girlfriends child. They were only together 3 or 4 months and at the time she told him she was pregnant the dates didnt work out and he had considerable doubts. Also long before the child was born she was with someone else and she moved to Ireland (her family are there). She always claimed he was the father but she never wanted him involved in any way - financially or otherwise.

Anyway the last 2 times CSA have called he has said he wants a DNA test to prove paternity and he has heard nothing more. We have not heard from them since around may 2005. Yesterday he got a set of forms in the post requesting details of his earnings, employer, direct debit mandate and all sorts. They are quoting that he will have to pay 25% of his earnings (post tax and NI!!!) this would mean we would lose about £400 a month!!! Due to interest rate rises we are about to have to find another £300 a month for our mortage . Coupled with the threat of having another £400 taken off us each month we will not be able to afford to keep our house and will therefore lose everything!

I am devastated by the fact that he could have fathered a child (we want a family of our own in the next 5 years), gutted that if this child is his she has grown up without her father, and i dont even have the words to describe how i feel about the fact that the CSA deductions could make us lose everything we have worked so so hard for over the past 3 years. OH had around 45k worth of debt when we got together (and sweet f-all to show for it) and we have managed to reduce it to about 30k as well as getting ourselves on the housing market in the form of a 142k mortgage. Its taken so much stress and effort and has been a real battle to pay off the 15k that we have in the last 2 years on top of rising bills and council tax and mortgage and everything else. We finally feel as though we are getting somewhere and this comes up. This has the potential to lose us everything and i *really* dont know what to do.

If the child is his he has already said he doesnt want to be involved. Not in a horrible way or to shirk his responsibilities but her mother never wanted him involved, she will be 4 in a month or so, and she lives in Ireland so we could never afford to see her via a regular access arrangement anyway (even if he wanted to). There is a chance that this has only come about because she has claimed Income Support of Jobseekers and it is an automated thing. However if the child is his and he is made to pay the money we would lose £400 and the MOST she would have added to her benefit is £10 a WEEK!!!!!!!!! so the damn government would get £360 quid a month for absolutely NOTHING. Argh it makes me so mad! If it turns out the child is his we have no problems paying maintainance but if we were made to pay through CSA we would lose everything. We have no way of contacting her directly to arrange private payment that would go directly to her and the child. We would happily pay what little money she would get added to her benefit, and plenty more besides, but we can only afford so much without losing our home and our lives. Our budget is so tight that the last time we went to the pub for a drink with friends was well before CHRISTMAS.

If anyone could suggest anything that could help us please do. I've been struggling with depression and weight issues for some time now and i have been worrying enough about the mortgage payment increase without having to find that £300 increase and another £400 on top. It would be the equivilant of us paying our current mortgage TWICE!!! I just dont know what to do. Should we be putting the house on the market before we get tied into our new remortgage and trying to either rent or move back with parents? (in an attempt to avoid any negative credit by not being able to make mortgage payments and eventually lose the house) Should he be looking for another job? Should we be trying to contact her - although we have no idea how? I am just so upset and dont know what to do...........

P.S forgot to mention that we now have confirmed the child's birthday and the dates DO *just* match so it is a good possibility (although by no means certain) that this child IS his. I know this may sound really stupid and childish but his having had a child with someone else really upsets me so much. I really wanted 'our' little family to be just ours and there's a good chance it never will be now cos there will always be another child out there that is part of 'our family', whether we see her or not. And i can really see our future children wanting to be somehow involved with their 'older sister'. Sorry im rambling again and its probably irrelevant cos we dont even have children yet but i just cant helping worrying so much about the future and everything that involves..........

Kristina, I really don't know what to say but can understand why you are devastated.

Hopefully someone with experience of this will come along soon. What about CAB etc? If he only got this yesterday it's early days so don't panic just yet.

Oh Kristina I dont know what to suggest but didnt want to read and run.

Sending Big hugs your way X

I think the first thing you have to do is find out if the child is his...he must have a DNA test.... then you can go from there, take one step as a time, if he is the father you will have to decide if you can deal with it. and to be honest , if he is the father of this child, he has to take responsibility for it...would you want to be with someone who just walk away from his child.

Hopefully if he is the father , you can work it out , and find a way for him to work with the CSA.

Good luck

I agree with the above, the first thing you must do is get a paternity test done and then you will know for sure and can go from there.
I am at a loss as to how the CSA can make people suffer in order to support their child, what do they want to happen that the father stops work and goes on benefits because it's the only way they can survive?
However, first things first get that test done.
Becky

Thanks everyone. We have already filled all the forms in and sent the stuff back its just a waiting game now. They could decide parentage and force him to pay without a DNA test but im not sure exactly what they need to do that. I also dont know how long it takes for them to process these forms and start the arrangeemnt for the DNA process.

Jackbox sorri i think i was unclear -there is no question of him taking responsibility if the child is his. The mother does not want him involved in the childs life though and no matter how much CSA we pay the only way he could force access would be through the courts and that is bound to be a costly affair and incredibly stressful to all involved possibly including the child.
I know i should take it one step at a time but knowing this child is quite possibly his and also knowing we cant contact the mother to pay her privately is making me panic. The CSA only have so much leway (sp?) and i have already researched that we will be paying between £300 and £400 a month to them and her mother will only get a maximum of £40 per month from it. Thats part of what makes me so angry about the whole thing. There is no way if the child is his we will see her go without - whether he has any access or not is irrelevant with regards to that. But at the same time we cant afford to lose everything to the f-ing government cos its them that get the majority of the money not the parent or the child!!!!

And no of course i would not want to be with someone who wouldnt take responsibility for their child. Like ive already said im gutted that this girl has already spent 4 years without her (possible) father. But her mother made it very clear there is no way she wants OH involved. - i also think this is wrong - i could understand if the father has history of violence or anything like that but he is the biggest kitten in the world!

I thought the CSA had been disbanded??

My husband paid for a child for 3 years and never actually KNEW if she was his.. We eventually went for the DNA test only for the mother to pull out as she "wasn't sure" if the baby was his.. So we forced the issue as we were trying to get custody of the child..

When the results came back as positive we set the wheels in motion and she moved.. we don't know where she is.. We haven't seen his daughter since she was 3..

She had 3 different kids to 3 different people..and even tried to blame her eldest on him too.. Once again another DNA test but this one was negative.. I told them then and there if they sent out a letter for her youngest they would need to appear in court at my murder trial (as her youngest is younger than my eldest).. and they said "oh no, his name isn't on the list for that one!!"

I would co-operate with them.. but be pushy.. get them moving on it.. and get it over and done with ASAP.. It may turn out he isn't earning enough etc.. but you won't know until you try..

I used to work for the DWP & do interviews for the CSA(but never worked for them)

Just dug out some info from my paperwork from the training I did that might interest you

This is the official reply that is given to anyone who requests information from the CSA about disputing paternity(quoted verbatum from my handouts from the training)

If the mother refuses to allow the child to undergo DNA testing this is what we were told

Louise - sounds like a complicated situation! Fraid the CSA is still about and still not really helping the parent with care! I've always thought they were useless but now i've been forced to read up on it im even more convinced its just a money making scheme for the government. Grr! From what i've read on the net and their website he definitely earns enough to have to pay csa. We have filled the form in to say we will co operate fully although we do not believe he is the father (as we dont know). The waiting and not knowing whats happening will be awful though. Its going to be very frustrating knowing i have contact numbers to the people processing it (i work for DWP and have to contact csa from time to time) yet i cant do anything about it due to 'personal interest' bah humbug.

joedee - thanks for that. I had read the first bit but not the identical twins bit. Also i understand that if the mother is on IS or JSA and refuses to do DNA she could lose up to 40% of her personal benefit? Are any of the rules different for Ireland/Northern Ireland (dont know where they live)?

P.S thanks everyone think ive calmed down a little....