What a pain, I hope you manage to get this sorted Lynn xxx

How's it going today then Lynn, have you managed to get hold of them??? I do hope you're not too bogged down and stressed today with going away tomorrow. Please let us know, I for one am worried for you.xxxx

Hi Helena, I am stressed and decided that it is all very well Mum saying I want to stay in my house and be independent if indeed she was, the only reason she is there is because I am doing all this running around so it doesn't make her independent does it?
Gorden and I got in at 10pm last night I had to wait for the meals to cool put them in containers then we drove over to her an stopped for something quick and easy on the way home and got our tea at just after 10pm.
I feel like doing a moonlight flit. We have been doing some searching on the net at houses, but we would have to look around Kent way as Gorden works in London also I would be able to visit like I do now once a week when things are relatively normal, but far enough away to not be able to do what I do now. I will not be popular I know, and we still have things to do to our house so we could get its potential price and make a relatively quick sale, still thinking about it keeps me going. I am at that point hey-ho.
I am saying I am not even sure if I can be bothered to go away I am so fed up with it all. But Gorden is working me and I expect he will win he usually does.
Really I will be ok, I get down for a day or two then bounce back and come back fighting.
How are you today ?
Can't get hold of the Care agency but Mum now has enough to keep her going for a few days and I can contact them Tuesday and hopefully sort it all out again. Even when I am away I have to deal with stuff Gill did offer to do it but I don't think she should she is recovering herself. I have been bending her ear about how I feel this morning and now feel bad about that, I must of been bad in a previous life.
I am still keeping fingers crossed something happened yesterday and they will be there today and it will all be as it was set up to be.

So it's still going on then Lynn by the sounds of it Maybe to make life easier, and just in case you lose the bit of paper, why not put the agency numbers or any other numbers you need for Tuesday on your mobile, then you won't have any added stress of losing the number or forgetting to take it with you when you go out? Just a thought.

You are definitely right in what you say about her and her independence there, she isn't, she has to rely on you for MOST things let alone the daily care, and I think perhaps moving further away might just make her see sense, when you're not going to be on hand for just about everything. The only problem I can see is will it all then become a burden on poor Gill? I was the same as you too, one day totally stressed, then if nothing happened for a day I could bounce back, but somehow everything kept getting piled on top at once which became all too much to take. For instance, the day of mum's last serious fall at 6.00 am. was the very day I had decided for the contractor to start taking up the rear driveway!! What could I do? I couldn't put him off, he had it booked, we'd waited for weeks and Mum and I had discussed the fact that we were ready for more upheavel, and then she goes and does that on the very morning, so you can imagine what hell I had that day, waiting for doctor, taking her off to hospital, so no wonder I vented off at 11.30 that night when they nonchalently told me to come and pick her up from A & E!!!! Yeah, that was going to happen wasn't it!!!

I feel fine now that I've had a bit of a break, i.e. no hospital visits for 3 weeks now (oh dear, I hope that isn't this kiss of death!!!)and everything seems to be running quite smoothly for a change, a really pleasant change at that!

I thought about moving too, to a much smaller place so they couldn't send her back here, but then after all we've been through the past 18 months getting it just how we want it, with Mum having her own lovely suite, what was the point, and what with prices crashing, although apparently not down here in the South East, we're ok, they're still the same as they were a year ago, but anything could happen. Kent would be lovely for you both, the Garden of England, easy commute for Gordon, and I'm only an hour's drive away!!!! We can sit down and compare notes with a nice cup of coffee!!!

I'm sure Gill understands if you bent her ear a tad on the phone, she knows what you've had to put up with, plus you've had the worry of her operation and everything, but it might make you feel better if you ring her up later just to say sorry, I know it would me, especially if you're going away, it might play on your mind, you never know, you need a clear head to be able to really enjoy this break and relax.

I'm thinking the same about Mum, I might just pop in this evening to see if I can cheer her up. I've printed off a couple of pics of her lovely new room we've organised so I'll take those to show her and it might brighten her up. As you know, she always gets like this over the week-end when I don't visit and the care home goes a bit to pot with lack of staff.

Dave is being a real diamond and helping me with everything, but then again, he was the one who suggested having her back here anyway. I'm just a bit worried she doesn't have much time left, you know that gut instinct of mine??? Just got a feeling somehow because of how tired she is. Is your mum like that at the moment? Maybe it's because of what they've been through in and out of hospital, I suppose it must wear them out at that age.

Well Lynn, let's hope you can have that relaxing day today with no major traumas, finger's crossed, paws crossed, and good luck for Tuesday with the phone calls. I don't know if you've got a Plan B put into place, but then again......... you just enjoy YOUR break!!! xxxxxxxx

Some good news the Home Help has been. Now I am not sure what is right or wrong or here, firstly Mum says the Home help couldn't understand anyone not going in as she was on the list, then she says I wasn't down for yesterday is that right ? Aarrrggghhh!!!! how many times have I told her I double checked they would go in over the weekend and on this Holiday Monday.
She then says my Brother Paul who hasn't even bothered to keep in touch with me or thank me at all decided it would be best if they don't go on a Saturday as he goes over so he will be there to do her lunch that day.
I flipped at Mum and told her how down and tired I was and its a shame he can't phone to tell me this isn't it and your not independent its only because of me you are living there if I stop you will have to re-think your life.
I know I shouldn't of said those things but she walks around in her own little world letting me do it all and i'm not sure what she expects well I do really I suppose but don't always see it.
Gorden has come up with an excellent idea we are going to print off the numbers of the people involved in her care and put on a cupboard in her kitchen and say you are welcome to make any changes but you have to do it and if it goes wrong it is your responsibility not Lynns.
I have a good cry now and will try to relax a bit but I will be steaming for a bit.

Lynn, again I haven't had time to read the whole thread but I do know one of the major problems when we go into clients is when families are not all working from the same page.

Mum should have a care plan in the house with all the contact numbers on, your details, any medication she is taking (even if she takes it herself). The carers should be writing down when they go, what they did etc, so that will always be a reference for you to see how they found her.

A diary in the house is also a good idea. We have a lady with various sons and a daughter and the family put a large diary in with our care notes so they all write down when they visit, if Mum is going out, if they've cancelled the care etc. We can also write in there if she needs anything or if we are concerned. It's also good to read too as we often see one son is taking her out and then we can check as he often forgets to cancel her call.

Don't know if you are paying for her care privately or through social sevices but all new clients should have review within the first 4-6 weeks and if SS see carers went and they weren't needed they won't be too happy if that becomes a habit. If you're paying yourselves then that isn't a problem except I know we still charge 1/4 hour rate for us coming even if nothing got done.

Thanks Becky that is helpful. Mum is paying for her care, the diary sounds good but I think we would have problems with not all of us writing in it, hence why we will put up the carers number and they can cancel if they need too, although he only goes on a Saturday and I don't think it she will be needing the lunchtime support long term, so I will deal with it Tuesday, as I have to find out what went wrong Saturday and after that what ever anybody else does they will be responsible for.
But I will remember that for the future in case it is ever needed.
Had a nice long chat with her and tried to explain why I get so cross with her at times, and she had a listen has taken it all on board and is going to stop pushing herself and take it slowly and remember how much work she creates for me when she doesn't and I am glad I did it as I can now go away for my break knowing all is well again between us.

Phew! Blimey, I go off for a little nap and you've done all that!!! I'm so glad your Mum's decided to listen for once, you must have rung her back then for another little chat, after you originally got off the phone with steam coming out of your ears yet again then?

In my mind, and I've never had kids, but you have, you have to treat them like children, and at times they can be just as exasperating to say the least! They're crafty as h*ll too, and the times I've lost my rag with mum in the past when she did stupid things or tried to do something she couldn't just because she wouldn't accept that she's old and she can't do some of those things anymore! Dave used to tell me off if he heard me shouting at her, but then me and mum are ok like that, she can take it from me, she knows me only too well afterall, and then we're fine again, coz I give her a big hug and a kiss and she says she understand WHY I had a go at her. It's all so totally different now, because not only the nurses, but also the carers have all told her the self same things I had ranted on and on about in the past, and she now knows that everything I ever tried to instil in her brain was purely for her OWN good, or because no matter how kind it was of her to try and do something for me, it always ended up going pearshaped and she'd cause me MORE work, which again caused me to fly off the handle at her because I'd said "leave it and I'll do it" or something. The worst was her supper plates and cup, which I always said, I've got to come up for blah, blah, blah, so don't bother putting all the crocks on the stairlift, it's easier for me to just come up and pick it up myself from her room, but oh no, she'd pile them all on the tray on the stairlift and send it down JUST when I had sat down to my OWN supper, and she'd leave it beeping (not on it's charging spot!) so I had to get up!Grrrrr! She'd try to empty the commode if I hadn't done it on my first trip back upstairs when I took her morning tea, if I dared to take Georgie out FIRST, I'd either come home to a wet carpet in her room, or a wet bathroom where she tried to empty it herself. Grrrrr. Then there was the dinner plate and mint sauce which she loaded on the stairlift, and yes, you guessed it, I had mint saunce all down the wall BEHIND the stairlift and on the stairlift itself and the carpet, and that was again JUST as I had sat down with my own dinner! Oh I could go on and on and on as to what drove me mad, BUT, when I chatted to her on the way home the other night, at least she did agree that whatever she tried to do to help me, ended up causing me MORE work, and it was satisfying to know that at least she can see that now. I won't have any of these problems this time, because she just couldn't do anything for herself even if she tried, so at least I know if I put her in bed or the chair, she will stay there until I move her, because she is actually frightened to move around on her own now, which is great! Well, I'm hoping she will. Having said that, the other evening, I left her in her chair in our lounge whilst I made her some scrambled egg. I looked across the kitchen, and there she was making her own way to the downstairs toilet (trying to impress me no doubt! ) So, I had to stop what I was doing, leaving the eggs in the microwave whilst I gave her a hand, so by the time I got her back in the lounge and seated, she ended up with rubberised eggs like she says she gets in the care home, but I was beggered if I was going to make some more just because she didn't tell me she wanted to go to the loo!!!

I've been where you are now Lynn, I've had the steam coming out of my ears and the top of my head sometimes, but you will find in time, she will back down and end up just like my mum, i.e. more sensible and more thoughtful towards YOU, I'm sure she will. The worst part for me is seeing them so shaky and so frightened remembering how they used to be, that's the worst for me, caring for a frightened fragile little baby, who used to be my mum, it's truly heartbreaking sometimes.

That's a brilliant idea of Gordon's plus of course Becky knows just about everything there is to know about caring for these poor oldies, so I will be making notes too of everything she helps you with, so thanks Becky!

Time for you to put everything on the back burner now Lynn and get prepared for that lovely break, everything's sorted, your mum is happy again and well looked after so you don't have to worry I'm sure. Take care then.xxxxxxxx

Helena thanks for that it is good to know someone understands where I am coming from. We had a good chat on the phone and I have told her she causes me more work by trying to get better too quickly she has agreed that she will do as she is told and she now has realised she is only in her home because I am working so hard to keep her there while it is possible.
I am so glad I rang her back and had a chat as I couldn't go away and relax being cross with her , as much as she exasparates me.
The dinner plate and mint sauce had me creased up I read it out to Gorden and he laughed too. She said to him Friday they took me out of the side room and put me in with 3 other people to chat too for company trouble is they were old.
I am now geared up for going away and I will relax and enjoy myself now all this is sorted. Once again many thanks to you all for your much appreciated support.

Enjoy it Lynn you desrve it FIL is stillnocturnal,which means I have to leave him something in the fridge ,his bedroom is downstairs,and this morning what did I go down to,he had only tried to empty the commode down the kitchen sink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeanette