More problems with my ex

Hi,

Does the agrression, abuse, malevolence, beligerance etc ever stop?

I've had no end of problems wiht my ex husband over the past few weeks purely because he couldn't have his own way re contact with Oscar.

My Mom acts as a third party so he can't get to me but now he's turned his p*** poor attitude against her.

He booked a last minute holiday and wanted to swap weekends around for his own benefit. Now bear in mind Oscar hates going to stay overnight and every weekend he has to stop over (fortnightly) I have to work quite hard with him to console him and talk to him, alongside encouraging him to go. It's heartbreaking when I know his father just doesn't give atoss about him or his feelings.

I said no to the swap because I'd already made plans for when he wanted Oscar. But I did come up wiht a couple of dates where he could have extra contact; no tinstead of but as well as.

He threw it back in my face. Now, in the middl eof July he asked that this weekend just gone be changed around. He was to have Oscar voernight fom Friday to Sunday but only wanted him on Sunday because he and his girlfriend/boyfriend (nobody knows if it's male or female) were goin got a wedding. Along with qa friend, Oscar and her Son had a full day planned for Ssaturday, out of Birmingham which cost us quite a lot of money. The money isn't really the issue but he should've thought of that.

Because he couldn't swap the weekends around to his satisfaction he said Oscar couldn't go on his day out. Then changed his mind and said he could. He picked Oscar up from my Mom's on Friday at 4pm as arranged but refused to return him by 9am on Saturday. So Oscar & Damien missed out on a fantastic day out. He tried sain ghe would take Oscar out for the day.
As it happened, Oscar was dumped with his 23 year old Cousin who practically ignored him because he was too busy cuddling up to his girlfriend and more to the point, he has NO experience of looking after young children.

Now, if he was going to just leave him, why not bring him home for his day out? W*nker!! No wonder even his own mother hates him!

This isn't the first time. When Oscar went away with his father fo r afew days at the end of August, he returned him 24 hours later than he should have and during normal contact times, he's always between 5-20 miinutes late, without any reasons given.

He's a complete idiot who has thretened to take Oscar from his school (so obviously the school and police have been informed) and who has threatened to apply to a contact centre to see Oscar rather than have my Mom as a go between. Thsi would hurt Oscar as he's a very shy little boy and it could do harm to him if he was left with peopl ehe didn't know just to satisfy this bully's ego. He admitted to my Mom that at least then I would have to talk to him.

Firstly, he abused me daily and Oscar was also subjected to a certain amount of abuse. I can't stand the sight of him; the thought of setting eyes on him sickens me. To do that to a 5 year old because he can't get his own way is disgusting.

This is just so he can get to me and control me again. It's not going ot happen and because he's prepared to do something that's not to Oscar's advantage, I've seriously questioned whether there should be any contact at all.

He's also come out with bulls**t like stating that the group of men he's involved with (fathers for justice - you know those muppets who dresed as batman and stood on the roof of the Commons? those iprats) are all suffering from the same thing he is - that is, their ex wives have all accused them of domestic abuse.

Maybe i should point out to him that he admitted it on the divorce papers, there are both police and medical records supporting my side of things, he has a criminal history of abusing women and my address is flagged by the police in case he turns up at my house.

Do these scum ever give up? Will he ever leave me alone? What do I have to do (other than kill him) to get rid of him? Any ideas?

Laura xx

As I said before - get a solicitor. You should not be dealing with him at all.
My Solicitor saved my sanity when I was freeing myself from an abusive man. You need proper, professional help.

what she said, I cant understand why your putting up with that sort of rubbish,

if he has agreed times to see Oscar and needs to change them he would need to do it through the proper channels if you put it in the hands of a solicitor, or social worker

a good social worker could be of great help to you just now more so as there is abuse in the past to both you and your son.

Sorry to hear you are still have trouble!

My Mum ex boyfriend is part of 'Fathers for Justice' He feels like my mum stole his 'precious little girls' who he really didn't give two hoots about.

He got threatening with my mum, and tried to alienate my 8 year old sister against her, but instead my sister just told my mum all that he had said. He also said that Me and my Full Sister (She's 17) were dead to him, even though he had helped mum to bring us up.

Now he has settled a bit, see's my little sisters, (My 2year old sister has only just started staying with him by herself, for more than ten mins!) Personally me and my mum think that he is trying to become the 'perfect family man' because he has a new girlfriend, who he met on the internet.

All I can suggest is that you hang on in there, and just be there for Oscar.

xx

Hi,

I have a solicitor, but it's not her he threatens. I do tell her of what's gone on and she sends out relevant letters where need be but now he's dispensed with his own legal representation, he's decided he won't go through a third party.

SO as far as he's concerned, he fcan and will get to me somehow. Fortunately becauwses of what happened to Yiannis, I'm moving house and I won't be telling him where we're going. He doesn't need to know as Oscar is picked up from my Mom's.

We've even bypassed CAFCASS (cos they're crap) and gone straight back to the Court. The Judge is possibly the best family court judge I've ever known but because she's not on the receiving end herself, she doesn't understand what it's like.

Each time he breaches the Court ORder he gets nothing more than a slap on the wrist. The only advantage to having a court involved was when he decided to scan the CAFCASS report and e-mail it all over Birmingham to whoever he thought should read it becauser it would "make Laura be reasonable". What that means is, he thinks it will make me do as I'm told.

He doesn't seem to be able to grasp that I'm nothing to do with him and until now I've kept my OH well out of it. But because it's bothering me more now, mostly because of the threats he's made relating to Oscar I know it will get to a point where my OH will end up knocking him out.

Everything I do is for Oscar and although I don't want Oscar to miss out on seeing his father, I'm not convinced someone like this should have contact with ANY children - least of all his own. After alll, in his family (and I didn't realise this until quite recently unfortunately), the women dump their kids on whoever wants to look after them and the men are raised to abuse their partners whilst chastising the kids with belts.

Don't get me wrong, had I not married him I wouldn't have Oscar. But why he's so adamant that I comminucate with him I just can't work it out. He has a partner, so why bother me with his attitude?
We left 3 years ago. You'd think he'd got used to us not being there by now.

Laura xx

my god he sounds like a total monster.a bully. as your son is so little the courts dont take into account what he wants. some times its just so wrong. some men should be sterilized at birth so they dont breed.
just make sure that u give your son lots of love and have time for him. when hes a bit older u can guess who he will want to be with, i think when hes about 10/11 the courts will take into concideration what your son wants. and if he dont want to stay with his *biological sperm donor* for the weekend.
and your ex wants to control you even though your not with him.hes a bully.
my ex has stopped spreading stories about me.but it took over 10 yrs.
your a possession to him not a person.
good luck.

By the sounds of things I wouldnt let my son anywhere near him. Can you not apply for a change in contact stating all the times he has failed to do as he has said with regards to oscars care etc.

I would also get a social worker involved or an advocate who would be an independent source to speak to the courts also.

good luck he sounds like an idiot

Laura,

Have you visited a contact centre? I know you say Oscar is shy but they must have provision for that! Maybe he would feel safer there. I would think that would be a pretty quick way of getting rid of his dad. If he know's that he has to spend time with Oscar and not fob him off left right and centre he may lose interest? I'll be honest with you the second he returned him 24hrs late that would have been the end for me! You need to feel your boy is safe and you clearly don't. Oscar doesn't want to go so who is it benefiting? If Oscar wants to see him when he is older than that is his choice!

I know you won't let your OH smack him one as that won't help. Dave would like to smack my OH on a weekly basis I think but doesn't want to damage the bond he now has with my three.

I'm sorry you are having more hassle and you know where I am if you need to chat

Ali xx

Thanks everyone.

Social Workers in Birmingham are generally useless. I'm not saying they all are and I know there are some very good ones but here they are so few and far between it could do more harm than good to get one involved.

The last SW from CAFCASS told all sorts of lies about me based on what my ex told her. She certainly wasn't capable of writing an objective or impartial report but now the CAFCASS officer we have is completely impartial but just doesn't give a toss one way or the other.

The problem with contact is that I don't have the right to stop it without going through the Court first and because there is already a contact order in place, I have to make Oscar available at the relevant times.

My Solicitor has contacted the Court (this morning) and is waiting for an emergency hearing date. The next date was supposed to be asap after 7th December. We were given a date of 7th January according to my ex (I haven't seen this date yet) but he wants it before Christmas because he's decided now thst he's entitled to half of all Oscar's school holidays. I've said he's entitled to what the Judge gives him. That's it.

At the next hearing, whether in January or sooner, the Judge wil be made aware of what's been going on. He's already at risk of being locked up because of the numerous breaches of the Court Order previously and distributing a confidential court report. If he wants to go further down that line then I'm happy for him to go to prison.
When he comes out, we'll be gone. Permanently.

There is an upside to this (if it can be described as such). My ex owes me £4000 from the divorce settlement. He claimed he didn't have the money at the time so he was given until 1st January to pay it in full. He could have paid it before if he'd wanted to. His lodger has moved or is moving out and his partner won't give him money so I know he won't be able to pay.
If he gets a new lodger will they have to have a CRB check based on the fact that my 5 year old Son will be sleeping in the same house?

He's been pushing my Mom (I've told her not to listen but she's too nice for her own good) to talk to me so that I'll feel sorry for him. Obviously he's stupid. I'm all out of sympathy.
He still owes me the 3 piece suite and certain other items form the house. So it's not worth selling the stuff cos he'd have to replace it just to give it to me. He's in negative equity with his house so there's no point in selling that to pay me off.

I know this is bothering him and although I'm not making excuses for his behaviour, I'm sure this is partly contributing to how he's been towards me recently.

Maybe I'm being a little dense, but why can't he have contact with Oscar when it says so on the Court Order and build up a bond with him. Then the COurt can consider extending or reducing contact dependant on Oscar's reactions.
He can leave me out of his petty arguments and though processes. I don't understand why he wantsa to continually keep bothering me when I'm absolutely nothing to him (he made it clear I never was!).

Anyway, I'm rambling endlessly now so I'll shut up for a bit.

Thanks for all the advice so far.

Laura xx

Laura you say that there is a court order already in place but what are the concequences of being in breach of this? As he quite clearly already is by not returning him at agreed times etc? He seems to have got away with it so what is stopping you doing the same??

I know you are playing fair and doing what is right but is it right by Oscar? When will they start to take into account what he wants?? IMO his wishes should be considered now as he is certainly an articulate young man.

I do understand as my ex is a complete pain in the *** my advantage is that my 3 are older and more than capable of vocalising what they want But every week my daughter cries to come home, my eldest rings me and says he is coming home early so contact times never work anyway. He is supposed to have them overnight on a Saturday and return them Sunday evening but every weekend is disrupted by him needing me to look after one of them for some reason or another. He only ever wants to take them to activities where other people see him alone 'caring' for his children (boohoo), if there is noone watching they are at his parents.

Get tough Laura, do what you know is right by Oscar, be strong!