Helena I can't say anything that will make you feel better just now.

Just remember your mum is sitting up there proud as punch of you and the way you are coping, and from what you said she is more than likely smiling.

All I can say is well done for coping so well so far, and if you need to cry then cry, don't hold back. It's better to let it out I believe.

*hugs and Dougally kisses*

Helena.

Sorry I have not posted sooner, as we have been away on holiday.

I am so pleased I got the opportunity to meet your sweet Mum, she was a very lovely lady.

Thinking of you at this very sad time xxxx

Thanks Jackie, and thanks for always having been there for me in the past, you always are when I need you I know that.xxxxxx

Awww thanks Lore, she always was proud of me, don't know why, I only did what I felt like doing but she usually approved! xxxx

Thanks for your phone call Tracy, and sorry you caught me at a bad time, wish I could have talked more, but I will when I feel better ok.xxxxx

Had the Father round this morning at 8 am. in his lime green shirt oh he's so funny and so nice with it, nice and upbeat, doesn't push the religious bit on you. Spent a good hour with him, and he couldn't believe mum's life, but hopefully he'll be able to condense it down a bit! He did laugh that I had bothered to do a "brief" note (only 2 pages!!!!) I called it a synopsis and he put his glasses on and said "well, I'll be with you in an hour or so then when I've read this"!!!! I chose the music and poems, but then I've changed my mind now coz I went on UTube and because I love that Sarah Brightman and that blind opera singer singing Time to Say Goodbye, we're having that now when we're leaving, that'll bring on the tears again won't it, but I know mum liked it too coz I played it for her on the puter once.

My sil came up with a bright idea for me.She said I should write mum a nice letter and tell her everything I wanted to say, because it would be cathartic (go on,look it up like I had to, thanks Elaine!!!!!) for me, and it really was. Only 2 pages long, I said everything I wanted to say, I apologised for the one time I made her cry when I got so frustrated that she wouldn't do what I asked (I even posted up on here at the time about it), but I'm so glad I had the opportunity back then, to go back upstairs and apologise and give her a huge hug and tell her I didn't mean it as she dried her eyes, imagine if I hadn't bothered to do that at the time, I would feel so awful now, but I don't feel quite so bad. I only ever told her to do things for her own good to stop her from falling over, but she always did it her way no matter what I said, and when you get to repeating something 10 times to get them to listen, it does get a tad tiresome!

I've also asked the others if they would like to do something like that, and I can put it in her coffin with her when I go and see her all dressed up, I'm sure it will make them feel a lot better if they wrote her a letter, even just to say how much they really did love her, even if they didn't have the time to show it when she was here.

Everything is pretty much sorted now, just the food to get on Monday. I'll be stripping the shelves in my local M & S (let them do the work for me) just plating it up and clingfliming it ready for Tuesday when I can just pull it all out and plonk it on the table, or somebody else can! If they do come to the funeral, Dave says, I have to invite them back here and be civil and pleasant and if they kick off, then we only have to throw them out don't we! I have to do that for mum, nobody else but mum, I certainly won't be doing it for me, and Dave will be by my side as he always has, keeping me placid and calm (I hope!).

I'm still here, there and everywhere in my mind. One minute I think she's only a short visit away being well cared for, then it hits home, then I cry again, it's truly awful. I had a good laugh at Dave last night though trying on his new suit and white shirt and shoes which I had bought yesterday, and there he was, sitting on his bed in his underpants, open white shirt and socks, sorting out the laces on the shoes, coz he didn't like the way I'd done them, oh he did cheer me up, he made me laugh again, and then Zena came in and pushed me over as I sat on the floor and I think she liked it that mummy was laughing once more.

I managed to get out twice today with the doglets, and our 2nd walk was long and leisurely in the sunshine, but not too hot, and I did have a little chat with mum about the way things were going, but then nobody was around, and even if they were, I really didn't care, they can think I've lost the plot if they want, am I bovvered?!!!

Tomorrow my friend WAS taking me out for lunch to Brighton Marina, but now she's gotta work, so she's taking me early to Tesco to do her shopping instead (actually, I'm taking HER coz she doesn't drive)!!! Nice little birthday treat for me there then! Who needs friends like that hey!!!! Thanks again all, I know some of you are reading without posting, I know you're there for me as you always are.xxxxxxxxx

Thinking of you at this end Helena. Try and get some rest, you will need all your strength for Tuesday.
Many Happy Returns of tomorrow from us all here

(((((((((((xxxxxx)))))))))))))

Thanks June. Yes, I keep forgetting about tomorrow, whereas normally I get psyched up for a whole week, but I don't want a birthday tomorrow quite honestly, it actually makes it even more painful if you know what I mean.

I am filling the house with flowers, don't ask me why, I never have flowers indoors, but mum always had them, I bought them every week for her when she was in the care home, along with the orchid plants she had in her room here, which she would always knock the new buds off poor things didn't stand a chance with her about!!! I have also requested one orchid to be placed in the middle of the mum flower arrangements on her coffin coz she loved orchids so much (I told him I don't want one of those super, duper expensive ones though!!!!! ) I wonder why I want so many flowers around me at the moment, and the annoying thing is, we broke all the vases in the care home, or they got lost in the hospitals along the way, and now I'm left with one here at home, and a B & Q bucket where I've put 2 more bunches I bought today! That orange bucket doesn't quite do them justice though, I splashed out today and bought the £9.99 bunches instead of the £5 ones, but I wish I had some darn vases to put them in! They can wait until tomorrow though when I do that Tesco run can't they, sitting out in the bootroom.

Awww...Aitch hun. Try and enjoy a little of your birthday tomorrow. Your mum will be watching over you with Cassie at her side. She'd be so proud of how you're handling everything. Wish I was closer to give you a hug. Big wags and licks from your cyber girl too. Thinking of you as always xxxxx

Thanks Jackie, I just want to get better and be cheerful once more but those tears just won't seem to stop and Dave will come home in a minute and see me crying yet again, he's gonna get fed up with this, so I'd better get off here and go and play with Zena and cheer myself up again I think xxxxxxxxx

You do that mate. Go have play with Zena. xx

Still thinking of you its so very hard when you lose your mum. I also wrote a letter to my mum full of apologies and "do you remember whens" it did make me feal a lot better because I said everything to her I had always wanted to say but never did,and the letter was put into her coat pocket.

love to you always Helena

jeanette

x x

Helena i have only just seen this post i am so very sorry to hear about your mum i know just how your feeling i wish i could make it all better for you but no one can it takes time my heart is still broken from loseing my mum dont think it ever mends really but your mum knows you was always there for her and i bet she will be watching you now thinking of you H x