Things I Must Remember As A Dog

THINGS I MUST REMEMBER AS A DOG
(In order to keep my present living arrangements)

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my mom's thong underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.

The sofa is not a face towel.

Neither are mom & dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage; I do not want a string hanging out of my butt.

I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought they needed a good hump.

I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

I love those.
Mary

lol so true hun so true

i liked it !..lol

I think I need to print this off, so that each of my Borcer Boys can have a copy as bedtime reading!

Snorri

lol your boys must be really something if they can read ...lol