Bereavement Help

I posted on here in August to say we had had our Frump put to sleep. I still feel awful about it. I know, logically, it was so the right thing to do, poor old sausage was so ill, but it was SO against all I believe in, as a strict veggie, I am against harming any animal, now all I feel is that I have harmed my dog. Does anyone else ever have this problem? My family had nagged at me for weeks that it "was time to let Frump go", but I kept refusing. The only deciding factor for me was that he was so confused that he suddenly went for our other dog, no warning, nothing, and he was never an agressive dog. He had loads of things wrong with him, but I know it may sound stupid, I had promised him that i would never have him PTS unless he was in a lot of pain, or dangerous. The latter seemed to apply, as he was of course, through no fault of his own, unpredicatable and therefore dangerous. I just cant forgive myself, I keep thinking if there is a doggy heaven, that Frump is there thinking I betrayed him and let him down. I have lost count of the tears I have cried over this. I did try ringing a pet bereavement helpline., but to be honest, they made me feel worse. I told the advisor that Frump had looked very sad all the previous week, and she nonchalently said "Well, he was probably depressed", so now, not only did I feel I killed my dog, but I made him depressed first, it was just the sort of "help" I DIDNT need.
Does anyone else feel this HUGE guilt over having their dog put to sleep? I miss him dreadfully, and this guilt just doesnt help me heal at all. I need to add i did have a dog PTS many years ago, but it was a specific illness, one that we had fought for nine months prior to the decision. This time, it was a combination of old age, confusion, and vague illnesses that even the vet could not pinpoint. Frump was a rescue dog, and i always felt he relied on me so very much, and i was probably the first human he had ever trusted. Now i feel I betrayed that trust. He was about 15 years old, and had raised liver enzymes, IBS, ruptured cruciate ligament, heart murmur, and general confusion. He seemed to be very uncomfortable at night, he would get out of his bed and pant and wonder around, coughing and groaning. He once coughed so much that he fainted, my husband said then that he thinks I brought him back to life at that point as he was out cold. Does anyone know of any way to get over this? I am beginning to think that I shall feel this way forever, always this feeling that it was the wrong thing to do, and that somewhere, and I know it is daft, that Frump is dismayed by it, and is wondering around confused, thinking I didnt love him anymore. Any ideas please?, any similar experiences, if so, how did you cope, come to terms with it? I would appreciate any words of advice, I cant be the only one who feels like this?

I know how you feel, I lost my 14 yr old Crystal June 7th of this year and I never thought anything could be so hard to get over. I don't mention it to friends because alot are not dog people and those that are have never lost a dog. I try to get up every morning thanking God for all I have and try to look at the bright side but her sweet face keeps creeping in and I miss her so much. I tried getting a kitten and that didn't work and when I look for a yorkie they never please me. Someone sent me this and thought it might help you, it did me.

Hun, all I can say is that I think you are looking at this the wrong way round.

Having Frump pts was not you letting him down but totally the opposite. You feel pain so that he didn't have to and I think the poem Buzzie has posted is so true.

I hope you can get over the feeling of guilt - I honestly don't think you have any reason for it. But I won't say that it is time to move on - that is a person decision and can only be done when you're ready...although I don't think any of us that have lost a dog ever completely let go - they remain with us forever.

I know exactly how you feel , I too am a strict veggie , would never even kill a wasp or a fly . At the moment one of my dogs is very ill and it goes against what I believe in to have her killed . at the same time I could never allow her to suffer so it's a real dilemma .
I always have several dogs and have had several PTS before , it absolutely breaks my heart and each time it seems that bit worse .
All I can suggest is that you keep yourself very busy ( less time to think ) . Maybe you could volunteer at a rescue or something and help another dog(s ) in memory of your beloved Frump .
I think the pain does get less in time but if you have to have another PTS it all comes back .
The logical part of you says it was the right thing to do but your heart says No it wasn't .
I give to my local dog and cat home and cat rescues at various times especially Christmas and I do it in memory of my beloved pets who have gone .
Thinking of you and how you are feeling and sending you hugs

I don't know if I can say anything that will help, but I do sympathise with what you're going through.
I had Sam put to sleep just over two years ago and I still wonder if I let him down. He was over 13 but very active and I thought healthy apart from a bit of arthritis, He did have bouts of colitis but they usually passed with little trouble. Then on holiday he stopped eating and lost weight. When we came back we saw our own vet and he started talking about quality of life but it didn't register that we were getting near the end. I agreed that I didn't want to put him through a lot of tests that would be unpleasant and might not show anything. The vet was fairly sure there was no cancer. But by October all he could eat was cooked chicken and rice but he even lost interest in that. Then one morning he just couldn't stand properly. He passed a lot of blood and the vet arranged to have him x-rayed. However he had a terrible day on the Sunday and struggled to go to the garden always passing blood. Eventually we phoned the vet and got him to come and Sam was PTS at home. I still wonder if I'd had more tests done sooner or if I'd asked them to do more and not given up ..... I know at the time the look he gave me before I called the vet seemed to say 'I've enough. I can't go on like this' but now I don't know.
It's exactly like losing a human member of the family.You need to give yourself time to grieve and accept there's always going to be a gap. However eventually its the happier memories that come more to the surface. All we can do is our best. We all have limited lifespan but we can at least spare our dogs suffering and loss of dignity at the end.
I'm sure you did what seemed best at the time and you loved him. What more could you have done? If you hadn't made the decision and he'd deteriorated you might be feeling bad about not acting sooner. Who knows? Anyway you're right a lot of people have similar feelings. I suppose its the price for loving creatures whose natural lifespan is so much shorter than ours.

Just once- my first dog - I let my girl go on too long. I suffered guilt because I could have spared her some pain. But in the end you do the best you can and you do it from love. By dwelling on the pain of the final days you are losing sight of all the good times. Dig out some photos or memories and celebrate the life of your lovely dog, who is at peace now and who would be distressed to see you suffer. It`s not the way we die but the way we live that is important.

Surely by putting YOURSELF and YOUR feelings before your dog's welfare and dignity the only one that is suffering is your dog?
I have had dogs for many many years, and during that time I have had to have them pts when it comes to a point where they no longer have quality of life, when they soil themselves, can no longer get about, are confused and in pain, that is the point when you should be able to act to ensure they no longer suffer. In fact you should be able to act BEFORE they suffer any of the above.
When you take a dog on you take the good bits and the not very good bits, you are responsible for their lives and to ensure their end is one of dignity and you are there to hold them when they make their final journey.
They way I look at it, if you are not able to do that for them, you should not take them on in the first place.
I have been there for every single animal (including my horse) that has crossed the Bridge, I consider it their right for me to be there with them and to know my love for them has never wavered.
I saw a psychic a few years ago, and she described some of the animals around me, my old grey mare was there, and my blue dobie girl amongst others, there is no way she could have ever known about them prior to my visit. She assured me they are in excellent health and are waiting for me. My Tawney came and sat in front of me 2 days after she was pts due to the last of several strokes. They are at peace, and free from pain. If you had kept them going just to make YOU feel better, then I can understand your guilt, but not for releasing them from their suffering

I remember you posting about your dear old Frump, and I also remember the lovely post you put in my thread - my tribute to my dear old Cassie one year on.

I wish I had the right answer for you, but it's been 18 months for me now, and never a day goes by where I can honestly say I can forgive myself for having her pts. The only consolation I can give you is what the vet told me the night I called her out. She told me it was the "right" time to do this, I was being a very responsible dog owner, and you wouldn't believe what they have to see sometimes when others just cannot find the strength to let their beloved doglets go. There is never a time when you have to be that strong is there, to be there with them in their final moments, let alone having to make the decision all by yourself. I'm guessing the reason dear old Frump was depressed as you were told, is purely the fact that he'd had enough of life, and I'm sure that is what my own dog was telling me through her own eyes the week before I let her go peacefully. Far, far, better to be brave enough to make the hardest decision of your whole life, than to let them suffer in any way, be it pain or just plain old age which can make them thoroughly miserable and depressed with everything aching and very little quality of life left. It's not been long enough for you to forgive yourself yet, but I'm sure your dear old Frump is looking down on you so sad and guilty when he's running free at Rainbow with all the Dogsey gang we have up there now. I've lost five of my beloved babies now, and only one slipped away on her own in her bed of old age, so that's quite a heavy load for me to carry having had to make all those decisions for them, it wasn't easy, and the one who has stuck in my conscience more than any other, is my dear Cassie. Will it ever go away? I don't know, I can't answer that, so I can't answer your question either. All I can say is, it will get easier, as time goes on, not a lot, but it will be easier to accept, and easier to hold back the tears (I'm having some more here right now, just because I'm typing this!). I think we go through stages of grief, and you are in the early stages, the ones of guilt, but they will pass I hope, just like mine have. It was far, far better to have done what you did at the right time than to let Frump suffer in any way, and he was suffering in ways you couldn't actually see, and that's why he showed his suffering the way he did, he was fed up with life, it happens to us humans, I see it on a daily basis with my dear old mum who lives with us, she's had enough, but what can I do about that! We're very lucky that we can make the decisions we do when it's in the interest of our loved ones. My heart goes out to you, this is not an easy time, you will get through it, you'll never get over it, but you will get through it, it's just gonna take a bit of time. (((((((((((((((huge hugs for you)))))))xxxxxx

Guilt, failure. murderer, angry with myself, out of control....you name it I felt it.

I handreared Meg from 2 days old, she was my soulmate, she came to work with me, she looked out for my sons, she went through my divorce with thier dad, she helped Reah walk again, she excepted all the animals in world that I rescued, she came on holiday with me, she went through my dark days, poor days, good days. She licked away my tears and wagged her tail in delight when things got good. She took to my second Husband Pat from day one, and then she reached 23....and I had to have her PTS.

I felt I had failed her in everyway I could possibly imagin, and worse I failed my other BC Toby (her mate) after a row with my ex husband one day...........everything that day came into my head, I cried for weeks.........

But I know she is still with me.....2 years on. Things still stay in your mind and close to your heart, but I rescued Reah and since two more.......although that day will never leave me, I do know now that I gave her a way out and now she has joined Toby at Rainbow bridge..and Sally my old JRT and Suki my other BC...where they will wait for us.

Hun you wouldn't be such a wonderful person if you didn't still care.....

really cant add to all the amazing posts on here. Better a day too soon than a day too late is my opinion.

You absolutely did the best thing for Frump, and your own guilt is undeserving.

My nan kept one of her dogs going too long, as she couldnt make the decision to let him go, and i never forgot his last few days..they overshadowed the good parts..

take care of yourself and please stop feeling guilty.

xxx