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Location: Notts UK
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,137
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PTSD - I think I'm going mad
And rationally I know it was naff all in the scheme of things compared to what others have to cope with - but I cannot get a grip and it's driving me completely insane not being able to get a handle on things!
Basically it all hangs back to Erin being born - the hospital behaved utterly appallingly, bullied me, yelled at me, denied me pain relief, shunted me around ward after ward after ward and then ignored everything I'd said, leaving me with what looks like long term or permanent pain - and referred me to social services as a child protection risk (this one was dismissed as any cause for concern within 10 minutes of actually TALKING to me - but of course I'm now still terrified over it all) because I was trying to prevent them causing the damage they did (wanted the safe pain-free gap from my SPD recording and tried to be kept to when they numbed me up basically - they marked me down as a resistant patient for this - and ignored it completely)... and then the time on NICU, and in the most inadequate, appallingly inappropriate transitional care system going - basically plonked in the middle of a maternity ward with a piece of paper a day with how much feed to get down her nasal tube.
Hospital washed their hands of us on discharge - according to their own protocols we should have been followed up by the NICU liason staff (we were under their threshold for birthweight as the criteria warranting follow up) - but we got a phonecall saying "we won't be following you up even though we should - any problems go to A+E."
I WAS doing OK - till I had to go for a physio follow up appointment a few weeks ago, and they've moved half of physio outpatients... to the room next to the door to NICU. Set me off completely - the walk along the corridor, the lift to take the shortcut between the unit and the ward I was on, seeing parents swiping to go into the unit, and then having to sit for the physio appointment in the waiting area watching people go in and out - and I've been an utter wreck ever since - flashbacks and nightmares galore, and I just cannot get a handle on it at all - distraction, positive thinking, going with it - nothing at all works... tried getting across to the doctor how I feel - they've just chalked it down as "mild anxiety - go for a walk sweetie" and left me to it. Managed to get some counselling via a charity - but gawd - I'm going utterly insane... the dogs are about the only thing keeping me from going bonkers - and I'm in such pain from what they've done with my hip - I can't walk them far anyway.
Guess I'm quite possibly just venting - but it's driving me nuts - I know I've got nowt really to be upset about - she came at a decent weight and gestation, the only ill effect she seems to have is a hernia - it's just everything to do with how the hospital treated me, and the constant fear of social services again as well - feels like they've utterly destroyed me as a person.
Someone knock some flipping sense into me and kick my grip getting ability back into operation!