A Cookie shaped whole in my soul

This isn't a tribute to Cookie or anything really about him, we have shared that with close family, those Cookie loved and who love him. To sound totally selfish, this is about me.

It's a month since we let go, and I'm still crying every time I stop for a minute. I can't go to sleep without to the tv on as I start thinking about him and once I wake up I can't get back to sleep for hours. I'm exhausted and miserable and really struggling to cope. Everything makes me think of him, everything hurts. And the worst part is that if I go quiet or get upset everyone starts getting worried about me. It's not their fault and I know it's because they care.
When my first (and previous) dog was PTS I was 16 and went into a spiral of depression and attempted to kill myself. It wasn't a cry for help, I just wanted to be with her and no one else. Even with Cookie around (my Mum went to get him not even a week after we lost Bess) I was a mess. I ended up on a psychiatric ward with 24/7 watch and taking more pills than I can remember. It was the fear of the other people in there that made me want out, and therefore made me want to get better.
I can't go back to that, but I've lost all my motivation and I just want to look after my baby boy again. He hated being away from me and I can't help but think that if I'm this miserable he must be too.
I keep 2 of his favourite toys with me or close by while I'm at home, Cookie loved his sheep (Nigel) and has about 5 or 6 of them and this big giraffe (Geffrey) and has 2 (the third was thrown a week or so before). He has so many as he destroys them so quickly and doesn't like not having one. They pretty much all have wholes in and some stuffing missing.
My OH sleeps with his blanket, although we share it.

I wanted to share somewhere that others can tell me it's okay, that it takes time without being terrified that if for one minute I don't act all happy and jolly that I'm going to do something stupid. And I know it's because of my previous actions and my own fault but I need somewhere that I can express how I'm feeling without it being more than simple grief at losing the most important thing in my world.

I will always love you more than anything, my baby boy, my Bambino, my Cookie Dog.

SarahJade, I am so sorry to hear about your Cookie. Many people will be able to understand how you feel, when I lost my dog Nico a few years ago I was terribly upset for a long time. I can't quite say when I started to feel better but obviously I did but she will always have a special place in my heart. I often wonder why we do it to ourselves - have these wonderful companions knowing that one day their time will come leaving us devastated. I wish I could wave a magic wand to make you feel better but a month is not a long time however you may soon be able to remember Cookie without the tears. I wish you well - Sue.

SJ my heart goes out to you. I think probably the majority of us have been through this.
I have a picture of my last dog,Mo, on the wall and when I'm low I look at it and reminisce.... and then I sob and I really don't want to think about what will eventually happen with Pepsi.
The only solution is not to have pets and that is unimaginable.
Think of the good things, the happy times and remember that you gave Cookie a happy life where he was truly loved.
Come and talk to us we will try and help.

Huge (( hugs)) SarahJade.Haven't had my turn yet but I cry even thinking about it,so I can well imagine how you must be feeling.You did right coming on and writing it all down especially to people who totally get where you're coming from.When it comes to grief there are no short cuts,you have to go through it to come out the other side and you will.Its different for everyone but you will get there,it will get easier.
How lucky is Cookie to be loved that much I say "is" because I believe they stay with us untill we're ready to let them go,then they can move on to Rainbow Bridge.Not forgotten ever,of course,always with us in our hearts.
Don't stop the tears,crying is good,its all healing.
Take care of yourself,you are not alone in feeling this way.I have no doubt I'll be a total disaster when it comes to my turn and I'll be writing similar words to yours.I bet you'll be fit to tell me everything will be ok xxx

I don't think anyone can tell you what's the right or wrong way to feel when you lose a much loved pet. We're all different and we all deal with it in different ways. I think it's worse when you just have the one pet, not because you love them more, but when you have other pets you have to carry on as normal, they still need feeding and walking etc so you really don't get the chance to be too down in the dumps. After losing all 3 of my Dobermanns in the space of about 18 months I just couldn't have let it affect me to that extent. Of course I miss them constantly but life has to go on and for me the biggest tribute to any dog is opening your heart to another. You're not replacing them, they are irreplacable but you're dealing with your grief and moving on. Life can't stand still or stop you have to move forwards and I'm sure you don't believe it right now but you will love another dog as much as you loved Cookie, it might be different but it won't be any less. Be kind to yourself x

Sarah Jade, the first thing to say is you are not alone in your reaction to losing Cookie. I think those who have never owned a dog cannot appreciate the awful sense of loss many owners feel when losing not 'just a dog' but a much loved friend.

I have lost a number of dogs over the years and each time the pain I felt was unbearable. My way of coping was to go off on my own and to sob into a pillow until I could cry no more. Hugs...xx


Ben Fogle on losing his best friend ever
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle...-dog-Inca.html

So sorry to hear of your loss.

It may help to talk to someone?

http://www.petloss.com/newchat.htm

I have no words just wanted to say I'm thinking of you sj x

Sarah Jade I am so sorry to hear that Cookie has passed, and I totally understand the devastating grief that you feel. As others have said we all grieve in our own way when we lose a beloved pet so let yourself grieve, cry when you need to and come here to talk to us about Cookie if it will help you.
I lost my Tilly just over 2 years ago and was utterly destroyed by the loss, but gradually as time went by I was able to think more and more of the wonderfully happy times we had together. I still miss her so much but the heartstopping grief has gone now and having Roxy to look after and love is a great help to me.
I hope you will be able to share your memories of Cookie with us and that this might ease your pain a little. xx

Boy, sorry you're in such a bad way. There's no point in beating yourself up due to the inevitable. I've been in the psychiatric wards before, horrid places. Honestly, and this is going to sound bad... but they taught us in the wards to avoid our triggers. Suicide is bad stuff, and nothing, I mean nothing... is worth your life.

If you can't get over the loss of a dog without having a meltdown, maybe fostering different dogs or walking other people's dogs would bring you the joy of being around dogs, while not getting extremely attached and lessening the chance that one dies on you. Just a thought, it's what I'd likely do.

I lost my beloved Brownie about 2 years ago, and I still miss him... but I have two other dogs who are great, and my Nigredo helps remind me of him. I didn't cry as he slipped away, and I haven't cried since. He hated it, and I can't seem to do it anymore.

For ourselves, our families, and our hearts... we've got to put the past behind us. I remember your thread about Cookie, and you did the right thing. He's not in pain anymore, you don't have to see him a shadow of himself anymore... perhaps you can take solace and comfort in that... if nothing else.