Parents splitting up (need to offload)

Last night my mother told me that she is leaving my dad after 30 years of marriage. Now, I am 31 years old and have worked with and advised young people who have had to go through this for most of my career and here I am ... completely confused and so unsure about how I feel.

Now it has not come as a complete surprise to me, as my younger brother (who lives with my parents) told me in December he caught her having an affair. She does not know that I know this and I don't know if my dad even knows.

Anyway, my mother was the one to tell me - in a text message!!!! She says that she has fallen out of love and that she doesn't want to be with him anymore, I asked if there was ever a third person involved and she denies it to me. I have also just found out that she has told her family and us kids before she has even told him.

I know they are adults and I should leave them to it in some ways, and in all honesty feel that it is not fair on either of them to be together if they do not both love each other.... but I am sooooo angry, sad, disappointed and then a bit more angry. I do not know the full story (and probably will never know). I am trying to be as dipomatic as possible, but it is incredibly difficult. To top it off, my mother keeps texting me about how much she is crying, how bad she feels, how awful this all is for her etc.... and I just do not want to know it. ARG. My feelings seem to be overiding all rationale and I know I am being unfair but just cannot help it - then I feel guilty for feeling like that!!

Dad is not answering my calls - but I know that he won't for a while, he is a very very proud man and probably won't talk to anybody about this it hurts me so much to think that he is going through this all alone. They live in South Africa, so I cannot just pop over to visit. I think that is driving me mad too!!

Sorry... just needed to offload.

Im so sorry love, worst thing about breakups in marriage where kids are concerned is loosing that unit you/children have grown up in and felt would be there forever. Also in my experience you never get to the truth until much later, I think that is abit of shame and embarrassment unfortunately this causes alot of denial. However if she no longer loves him maybe in the long run she will be doing him a favour rather than make his life a misery xxx Not alot of consulation for you I know but take care xxxxxxxxxxxxx

This happened with my parents as well had a phone call out of the blue and had to go and sit with my dad while mom left It is always easier on the one that's leaving than the one left and I can see you will worry not being able to speak/be with your dad at this time. Hopefully in time it will all be for the best but at the moment there will be a lot of hurt and anger to be dealt with. Take care i hope you can get in touch with your dad soon for your own peace of mind xx

There is nothing worse than being married to someone you don`t like. It`s a terrible thing. Like nails down the blackboard of your soul.
I`d sit down with your mum and have a good talk?
She is more than your mum. She`s a woman with a life of her own - and so are you. Talk as equals, and you`ll feel better for it.
I hope you manage to resolve this.

So sorry to hear this, it's hard when your parents break up - no matter what your age. I understand it's even harder as you know some not-nice circumstances, I hope things become better in time for you and your family, and that your Dad is able to talk to you soon.

Thank you for all the comments. I posted this when it was all very very fresh. I have managed to chat to them both at length and have been as fair as possible and separated my feelings from their situation. I agree that my mum is doing the right thing if she doesn't love my dad anymore. It is not fair on either of them to be together if they both don't love each other. It has become a bit more complicated but much clearer. On monday more of the truth came out, my mother has been having a year long affair with somebody else! I have spoken to my dad, he is ok and will be fine. And I am leaving them to it to some extent, because it was becoming really stressful at one point especially with the 'he said,she said' stuff. They both want this now, they are both speaking to each other and both are ok, so I suppose I need to let them sort it out for now. They are both heartbroken - but I would imagine after over 30 years... you would be. It is very sad.