I'm letting my guy down and I can't seem to fix it

Sorry, this may well be a garbled stream of conciousness - I've just stood in the middle of the playing fields on a walk and sobbed my heart out so I'm not in the greatest frame of mind. I'll try to make sense - and I know the problem in the middle of it all is me - I'm under no illusions about that I just need to find out how to make it better for everyone else (fleshy and furry).

I've never had dogs, never been in a position to with how my work patterns were and grew up slightly wary of them (but knew how to approach them properly and the like). By virutue of home tutoring I met a wonderful black lab and got over my unease and started wanting one myself... my work died a death, we bought our own house so we were going to be in a position to. Hubby had dogs growing up and was keen too - so we got our guy from a rescue the day after New Year.

I know it's early days, I know the guy we got is really fantastic (we know nothing of his background - he was abandoned) - lovely affectionate hilarious and really calm but not fearful. Generally with a little reminding he didn't bat an eyelid at the cat unless she wound him up with the indignant hissing routine, and there was no aggression there when he WAS interested in her - just his usual bouncing up toward her, tail wagging in a "PLAAAAAYYYYYYMAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEE" kind of way - not the sort appreciated by a very sleek composed kitty. Anyway - we'd made some progress to where we could generally trust him offlead in the same room under supervision - had bedtimes, meal times and poo times pretty decently established and while, still excessively bouncy a bit meeting other dogs - he was starting to take the hint that saying hello by launching yourself three feet in the air on top of them and drowning them in slobbery enthusiasm wasn't the fastest way to make friends and influence people.

We had a horrid phonecall the other day - basically a family friend who has been like a father to me is in intensive care and pretty much it looks like he's losing the fight so the nurses have started warning people that he's dying. As such - pretty much had to drop everything and head up there in an attempt to say last goodbyes. Perceptive dog that he is - he'd tried to comfort me by a head on the knee and a paw offered (his solution to everything is to offer to shake hands - he'd make a cracking politician). Dog in back of car, bags packed and on the road within the hour.

He coped brilliantly with the upheaval and staying overnight with us at my parents or so we'd thought (apart from breaking out of the kitchen to spend the evening sleeping at the foot of the stairs - through three sets of closed doors, and scoffing an entire cake from my mother's Christmas stash - he did clear up all his crumbs though!), even convinced my dog-wary step-father that not all dogs are manic bouncing balls of slobber. Doesn't help my mother was gleefully giving him tidbits and grinning that "ooooh look 2 week's worth of training undone in 2 minutes" - said jokingly but you get the idea.

Since we got home it's like he's completely uncontrollable though - I know that hubby's tired from 8 hours of driving, and my emotional reserves are pretty much gone (waiting for a phonecall that the Grim Reaper's been is pretty, well, grim)... but he came bailing into the lounge (normally he's stood at the door and waited for the "are you coming in" invitation) straight to chase the cat, he's lunged at her like crazy and not been stopped with a "no"... and just now on the playing field - this is the bit that's breaking my heart and had me stood there sobbing - I was picking up his poo with him on a long lead (don't trust his recall off - so I tend to swap him onto an extending one when we get to open ground so he doesn't make me stand in every puddle while he's having a sniff) and some guy came along with a dog off lead and they wanted to sniff and say hello, he jumped up sideways over her to sniff his backside and the other dog yelped - I didn't see any aggression at all, just total overexhuberance - but still, I don't want to end up with "that dog" that everyone avoids on the park, and he wasn't recalling at all when I was trying to get him back, scoop up poo and make sure that he was behaving all simultaneously... thankfully the other guy's dog who wasn't recalling either told his dog that it "serves you right" and walked off fine - but I'm in bits about it all. I know I'm likely to have to have another trip away in a few weeks for the funeral (there's a chance he'll live but it's pretty slender), and I just don't seem to be making progress at all, if anything - he's worse off than when we brought him home from the rescue.

Hubby's not brilliant - he seems to think he's the, well, mutt's nuts with the dog - loves the jumping up and hysterical hellos when he gets home from work, loves the fact he gets a more enthusiastic one than me (I think he views it as he loves him more... in reality it's that the dog knows he ain't getting attention from me until he's sat on the floor wagging his tail and grinning maniacally - not bouncing 3 feet in the air like he does with hubby), and the dog doesn't listen to a word he says a lot... then when I'm getting the dog sat down in the back of the car so I can shut the hatchback part down - he does things like completely going over the top of me with a different command so I just end up being made to feel completely helpless and out of control. He doesn't mean to - but we've had so many rows over it in the last couple of weeks that everything alltogether seems to be like one collossal mistake.

I love the dog to bits - when I started crying in the park he just came over looking so concerned and leaned against me sitting quietly like he was saying "there there" - he's got such a wonderful sensitive perceptive streak in him. Don't worry - there's no way I'm getting rid of either the dog, the cat or the husband - I just don't seem to be able to regain a handle on the situation - and we were doing soooo well, to the point where little old ladies would cross the street to say hello to the "lovely dog".

Do you know how old doggy is? He sounds like a young, playful dog who's not been in his new home very long at all. I'd be patting myself on the back for all you've achieved in such a short time, rather than beating yourself up!
The cat issue - as said, it's not been very long and you're doing well to have got to such a good point so quickly. I imagine the break from home has led to doggy forgetting his cat-manners somewhat, but repeat what you did before the trip away and I'm sure you'll soon get back to that stage.
The issue in the park - as you said, I'm sure it's just being overly playful. Again, probably a lot of it is down to everything being new and fun. Keeping him on a long lead is very sensible, and I would probably stick to the line moreso than the extendable, so in situations like these you can reel the line in more easily and regain control. Whilst poo-picking, it might be easier to clip doggy on a shorter lead until you can give him your full attention and see what he's doing - a Halti training lead may be a good investment, they have various rings along the length, and clips at each end, so they're quite versitile. I use them on my two and it's very handy to be able to clip one end around my waist and the other onto the dog's harness - that way, dog can wander a little distance away but not too far, and I have my hands free to pickup poo/open gates/put gloves on/whatever I need to do.
Do you know of any other dog owners locally, with tolerant dogs? I feel the best method to teach a dog manners is to walk it with dogs that will tolerant a bit of bad behaviour but won't accept rudeness. A dog that will tell your dog off, but fairly, could be a great walking buddy. If you don't know of anyone with a dog like that, perhaps see if someone on Dogsey can help! I meet up with another Dogsey member as her doggy is a bit overly boisterous with other dogs, and my bitch is happy to tell him when he's being bad mannered - he soon learnt that she wouldn't accept it and walks very nicely with her.

I would try to encourage calmness in the house - he will probably settle with time but you and hubby need to be on the same page regarding rules and manners in the house. If doggy is hyper when you get home, physically shut him away in another room behind a babygate and only go over to say hello once he's calmed down - he will soon learn that hyper behaviour means he's ignored, calm behaviour means he gets greeted. If hubby wants to build more of a connection with the dog, get him to do it in other ways - he can have 10 minute clicker training sessions with the dog each evening (I know my OH is proud of himself when he's managed to teach the dog a new trick). Not only will this build a bond, but mental exercise is great at tiring out a dog, so will be a great top up to walks. Take it in turns to feed and walk doggy. I own two breeds who are prone to picking a favourite in a household, so I make sure everyone in the house plays a part in the dogs' lives - letting them out for pee breaks, dinnertime, training, walks, etc. which really helps the dogs bond with everyone, not just me.

It is very early days but you will get there! I think communicating with hubby is going to be important - though right now I'm sure the dog experience is a bit of a novelty, hopefully it won't take long to get into a better routine and everything will click into place.
Have you looked at booking him into a training class? Even if he's not a pup and has a good grasp on basic commands, you might be able to find an adult/slightly more advanced class that will let doggy use his brains, as well as getting used to being near other dogs without being overly playful, and you and hubby could again take it in turns to help bond with doggy.

Sounds like you have a bit of 'new dog syndrome'. I think most of us have been there at some point in time, wondering what we have done and whether we made the right decision about bring another dog into the home. I assure you that this is normal and that 98% of the time, these feelings do subside and eventually you wonder what you ever worried about. A new dog in the home changes the dynamics of things and pretty much kicks your old routine/way of life out of the window...BUT, you do adapt. You only got the dog at the beginning of the month, so it is very early days.

What breed is your dog? I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear, but reading your post, nothing struck me as not being normal. He just sounds like your average bouncy young dog that needs further training. Try to stop worrying about doing things wrong. Focus on one behaviour you'd like to try and rectify and go from there.

Have a hug.
You are going through untold amounts of stress at the moment and something has to 'give'.
Stop demanding such high standards from both you and the dog, you are all doing just fine and he is merely puickign up on the stress you are feeling.
Enjoy the slobbery concern and remember that having a 'perfect' dog is an impossibility, dogs are dogs and personally I like the ones that are naughty (which is a good job with my two..... )
It is still early days in your relationship, our rescue girl has been here 2 years this coming April and she is still developing and coming out of her shell. Rome wasn't built in a day.

What I am trying to say is, you are doing just fine, things take time and if he ahs a few training blips when you are going through all this stress, then so be it, the world won't end. Just enjoy him as he is and do your best with ironing out the issues,you have all the time in the world to do that. Look after yourself and your hubby...you are going through a tough enough time...enjoy your canine companion but don't worry about him, you can do his issues when things settle for you.

Hope I am making sense I only had an hours sleep last night! (Don't ask) I just really really felt for you when I read your post. Your dog is lucky to have you, you will all be fine...time is an amazing thing.

Hugs xxxxxx

Just take a big deep breath, he's been with you no time at all, and your circumstances have hardly been restfull, from the sounds of it your doing great, don't get so hooked up on having the perfect dog and being the perfect owner, its just too stressfull, and something that most of us aren't my dogs certainly aren't perfect and neither am i ,at the end of the day dogs will be dogs and they will do things when you least expect it, just enjoy having him for now and it'll soon settle down.

What everyone else said!

I expect he was thrilled to be back where he started at home with you having coped away. He just was releasing tension.

He will pick up on your stress so I'd just go with the flow for a whil;e and then get to grips with everything when things are sortd and you feel stronger.

IME men always wind dogs up----its part of the package!

rune

I can only emphasise the good advice you've been given. I do feel for you as you're clearly going through a stressful time ~ and whilst you may be able to cope with any problems with your dog & hubby in normal circumstances, the added stress you're under at the mo, can sometimes make the other problems seem insurmountable.

Personally I think you need to prioritise & concentrate on yourself for a while. When you're feeling better & a bit more up to it, then you can tackle any other problems.

As everyone has said, your dog sounds like a bouncy, lovely, normal dog. You've only had him a few weeks so maybe your expectations were a bit high. You sound like you're doing a great job so far so don't beat yourself up about it.

As for your husband ~ maybe you could persuade him to do some reading on dog training & behaviour? Try to find something practical that he can do with your dog (like clicker training?) that will also be useful & stimulate your dog mentally. There are some great books on clicker training (Karen Pryor's are good) & there's an article on this forum which is good too. Then when you feel up to it you can easily join in with the clicker training & your dog will already know the "rules"

sending great big hugs
You have been tru a huge amount and that is of course going to make things more difficult for all of you

It takes a bit of time to get to know a new dog and to me it sounds like you are doing everything fantasticaly
training isnt linear, you get 2 steps forward one back anyways so better if you step back and look at the big picture
not 'oh no he has charged at the cat all training is ruined' but 'he used to always charge at the cat but he has only done it once lately and that was after he haddnt seen the cat for a little while'

As for the dog in the park (and I understand, I have had quite a few walks in tears - but many more with big grins on my face)
You are taking all the right steps (but I agree its prob better to clip him on a short lead while you get the poo - that is a difficult one to juggle I know )
You are trying to teach him good manners - but at the end of the day you have a young bouncy ONLEAD dog, the other dog ran over to him, he was just a little over bouncy
Dogs take a knock sometimes when playing, if it wasnt agressive, the other dog was fine then really its on the biggest deal
The other dog ran up to you, and your dog didnt attack or really hurt them - trust me in playing mine let out yelps often when it gets a bit too much - they arnt really hurt

sending more hugs, have a cup of tea and give your lovely bouncy pup a big hug (and the husband a big slap for the greeting thing might be an idea to get him to teach a jump up commmand, so your dog has to greet everyone siting down nicely - but can jump up when invited too?)

Thanks - just hard to keep perspective when I don't really have other people's dogs around to compare it all to to be honest. He's only three we now think (rescue had guessed at 5 but the vet thinks 3 when they had him in to get snipped), and as for breed - well so far we think there's collie, german shepherd, some sight-hound in there and whatever else was wandering past when mum was in season by the looks of it - he's a proper Heinz 57 varieties of dog in one furry can mutt.

Just hard going right the way back to the start when we're both worn down and shaken by what's been going on to be honest I guess (the visiting in intensive care has rattled me more than I thought it had).

He adores us both clearly - we get a waggy tail reunion when we come back from the loo, but I think hubby relishes the bonkers side of him more than me sitting there thinking that he DOES have to calm down to know when it's appropriate to go bonkers.

Dog's apparently fine now though - judging by the snoring going on... snoring dog, snoring cat, snoring husband - no wonder I'm permanently shattered!

One thing I have learnt in my few months as a dog owner, is we put ourselves under far more pressure than anybody else does, other dog owners seem to be far more relaxed with us than we ar with ourselves, you take your dogs behaviour as personally as you do your childrens.

And I think relax, enjoy and keep trying is the way to go, it has helped me no end that people we meet have the same issues etc and the same hang ups, but we dont see that unless they tell us, you get dogs that dont always do as there owners say and quite often i find i have the best behaved dog on the park (not perfect), but what the others owners dogs are doing is not awful either, but they are dying of embarrassment sometimes and yet I am fine with it iyswim.

You have so much going on, give yourself a break, the issue with your husband i think is also more common than you think too, my husband is different with our dog, and the first few weeks i worked myself up about it, but i have found that when choosing the words to use for commands we speak about it now, get a word we both want and can work with, and both train the dog using it so he can work to both of our quirky ways, and so far so good!

We had a blip with recall the other day and i got in a stew, but with hindsight it wasnt the thing i built it to be, just got me on a dodgy day and so over played it, and in reality i didnt have the blip i thought i had, just was so anxious to get it right!

Hope your friend is okay. give yourself a hug and a break.