Mums dictionary

This is so funny .....



AIRPLANE

What Mom impersonates to get a
1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN

What Mom would suspect had invaded her house
if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

BABY

1. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
2. Dad, when he gets a cold.

BATHROOM


A room used by the entire family,
believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE

Mom's reason for having kids do things
which can't be explained logically.

CARPET

Expensive floor covering used to
catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CARPOOL

Complicated system of transportation where Mom
always winds up going the furthest with the biggest
bunch of kids who have had the most sugar and crisps.

COOK

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.

DATE

Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy
worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS

Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST

Insidious interloping particles of evil that
turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS

See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR

A place where kids store dirt.

EAT

What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST

See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY

Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME"

One of Mom's favorite phrases,
reportedly used in past times by children.


EYE

The highly susceptible optic nerve which,
according to Mom,can be "put out" by anything
from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.


FABLE

A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD

The response Mom usually gives in
answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
See "SARCASM"

FROZEN

1. A type of food.
2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter
date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE

A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns
to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES

Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

HAMPER

A wicker container with a lid,
usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES

Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.


HANDS
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw
with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water
immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT

What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD

An object of fiction like the
Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece

ICE

Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE

That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO"

Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT

When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS

Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just
about any occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!"

Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else
you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE

Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK

Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP

The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom
spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS

Mom medicine.

LAKE

Large body of water into which a
kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND

Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar,
lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice
for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE

An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's
papier-mache volcano science project into a
Nobel Prize-winning
experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS

See "Kids' Friends"

MAKEUP

Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE

No.

MILK

A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink
once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!"

The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH

1. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
2. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

NAILS

A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn
modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN

What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and
several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN

The position of children's mouths
when they eat in front of company.

PANIC

What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY

Where children who don't eat their vegetables or
clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS

Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so
Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO

A large, expensive musical instrument which,
after thousands of dollars worth of
lessons and constant harping by Mom,
kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE

A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she
can never find because they're buried under tissues,
gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list,
and several outdated coupons.

QUIET

A state of household serenity which occurs
before the birth of the first child and
occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT

Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered
ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or
because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR

Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY

Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure
from watching offspring stumble through
co**** reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING

Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS

Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
and snapped performs two important functions:
Protecting children from the cold, and
reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST

Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TERRIBLE TWO'S

Having both kids at home all summer.


TRAMP

A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.


TROUBLE

Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS



Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot
to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS

Complete set of drawing paper for kids
that comes with every room


WASHING MACHINE

Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
permanent ink markers, loose change,
homework, tissues, and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME"

Standard measurement of time
between crime and punishment.

XXXX

Mom greeting guaranteed to make the already
embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

very good

PMSL !!!!! that is brilliant !!! :smt044 (and so very true )

This is my fave

JUNK

Things belonging to Dad


rofl

I like the Jackpot one lel

lol
and this one

TRAMP

A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

are you calling me a tramp lel !!!! ????

(well 3 kids and no stretch marks )

Ive got none either (the cellulites took over rofl)

i use all these

BECAUSE
Mom's reason for having kids do things
which can't be explained logically.

FOOD

The response Mom usually gives in
answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
See "SARCASM"

"I SAID SO"

Reason enough, according to Mom

so we are both tramps then PMSL !!!!!!