Mum the nursing home and our little chat yesterday.

I wasn't planning on going but my eldest brother had the first bill through Saturday and rang us all to let us know it was in and could we each have a chat on our next visit to help get her to decide which way she is going to jump either home or stay. If she wants to go home another bill will not leave enough money in her pot for care at home and if she wants to stay in the home we need to get a Solicitor on board papers signed and house on the market. We would need to also look into deferred payment till the house has sold. So I decided to pop along for a chat with her as the brother looking after the financial side wants a decision by Next Sunday.

This house has been her home since I was 2 so 51 years we moved there when my 16 year old sister Angela was knocked down and killed on a local A road not far from the house where we then lived. I took pen and paper along and we made a reason to go home column and reason not to go home column. Reasons to go home its my house and I love it.
Reasosn to stay in the home she feels she wouldn't cope back at home would not be able to manage the kettle while there were clear spaces in the day inbetween carers visiting if she felt like a cuppa. Decent home cooked meals and a bath if she wants one.

It was very upsetting seeing her just accepting and saying she doesn't want to be a burden and she has had her life. I explained we are all in a different place now and would not be able to give the support we have over the last few years if she was to become seriousy ill or have another fall. This last fall has had her in hospital, then rehabilitation and now the home for 10 months.

I did somethng I really didn't want to do and that was cry before I left and while still having our chat. I explained to her that when she always says if we hurt so does she it works the other way too especially for Gill and I and we cannot take keep seeing her almost at deaths door with bruises, cuts and broken bones not that she has many left to break now. I told her we know we won't have her forever but what life she has left we would like it to be comfortable and her looked after. The home is lovely and so are the staff and if she went home and fell again which she will we probably wouldn't get her in there again and we may not even be able to get her into a home in Brentwood her home town.
Funny thing is I didn't get tears from mum which I was expecting.

Just before I left she said to me I often see your dad in my dreams and twice this week Angela has been in my dreams and I have never had Angela come to me in a dream since the day she died. I asked what they were doing and she said just pottering around doing things. I wonder if they are patiently waiting for her. Her breathing is bad now and she has now got an ulcerated leg which is being swabbed today to check for infection.

So we wait and see what decision she makes on Sunday when my brother goes along to see her and ask for her answer. I said whichever decision she makes we have to respect even if it is the decision we might not like and be comfortable with. I was emotionally drained when I got home and feel kind of sad today.

I know last year she was really mean and said some things to me I will never forget but she is my mum has looked after me for all these years and is frail and sad so I would be pretty hard hearted if I turned my back on her and I like to think i'm not.

No wonder you cried, Lynn. It's all so very, very sad and not a position anyone should be put in. What a terrible decision your mum has to make - so final and at a time of life where worries should be lifted, not piled on.

If only the powers that be had to take this kind of decision themselves, they would see what terrible heartache it causes for all concerned

Thanks Chris. The home said to Gil and Michael two weeks ago as far as they were concerned she was in there now till the end of her life. Thing is we still have to get her to sign the house over to sell as that is what will pay for her time there .
If she refuses we have to let her go home we will have no choice really she is of sound mind but we are hoping she will see sense and sign for us and live the rest of her days comfortable and looked after.

Oh Lynn, I had no idea you had lost a sister.... I'm so sorry.

I understand completely your emotional state with Mum and my heart goes out to you, it truly does.

x0x

So hard when it comes to that time of life, your poor mum still trying to hang on to her independence while you are all scared stiff of her falling for the one last time etc, I really feel for you all, I hope she makes the decision to stay in the home, I think it's evil to make people sell their homes to pay for their care as without the threat of never having the choice to go 'home' again I am sure more people would choose to stay in care, even if the option of going 'home' again isn't really ever viable, just knowing you had the choice would make the decision easier, government really need to pull their fingers out and put more help into these situations, working your whole life is enough payment in to the kitty to expect decent care in your old age without paying twice with all you have left in the end Anyway rant over I hope your Mum makes the right decision, a home is not a home when you become a prisoner trapped in it x x x x x

Your poor mum & poor you too, this must be so hard I really hope your mum will agree to stay in the home & you'll be able to get some peace of mind knowing that she is well cared for. It is hard to give up your independence but from what you've said, she understands that realistically she is going to be more comfortable in the home.

Lots of hugs & I hope you get the decision you are hoping for xox

Thank you Vicki. Angela was 16 when she was knocked down and killed . I don't remember her even though she had a lot t do with my bringing up as mum became ill shortley after adoping me.
I know a lot about her as mum and dad always talked about her. Also Gill does as there were only 3 years between them.

Thank you I hope she makes the right decision too.

(((Hugs))) Lynn.

You've and Gill have both been through so much in your own lives, and I know how much you have given your mum over the years.

I don't know what advice or comments to make other than I hope your mum decides on the home so that you can all take a step back from worrying about her being alone, and have the time to enjoy special times with her, safe in the knowledge that she is being cared for whilst you can't watch over her.

Very intriguing about the dream! xx

Thank you.

Thnak you Sheree.

There really is nothing I can add that has not already been said. Much as I can understand your Mum having wanted to hang onto her house, and much as I do not like the fact that people have to sell their homes to pay for their care, your Mum needs the care she is getting where she is.

I hope that she will accept that her current care over-rides her wanting to go home.

(((hugs))) xx