For those of you that have kids will relate to this .....

This is about children. It’s about our kids, and how to prepare ourselves for life with them

1. Go to the nearest pharmacy, clothes store, shoe store or sports store and empty your wallet onto the counter. This will be a regular occurrence well into the future. The method of transaction may change but the continuous action of handing over your money will not.

2. Set your alarm for mid-night, then every hour after that. Get up and walk to the furthest bedroom because that is what you will do at some stage, either to feed a baby or return a night-stalker to his room. Let your workmates get used to seeing you with sleep deprivation.

3. Put on your best clothes, mash a banana with custard and pour the contents over yourself. This will help you prepare for feeding time with a toddler. Kids just instinctively know when you’re wearing your best outfit before they strike.

4. Arrange a simple outing. Give yourself two hours to prepare. Dress yourself in five minutes so you can spend the rest of the time packing the car. Make sure you pack food. Go out to the car and come back. Repeat this process again and again. Then drive around the block and return. You need to get used to forgetting some object such as a child’s favourite teddy.

5. Grab a book, sit down and open it. Reach an exciting part, then get up to turn on the tap for a child who wants a drink. Return to your book but don’t read any further. Go into the kitchen and chop up an apple for snack food. Go back to your book but don’t read any further. Get up and yell something about not fighting because you’re trying to relax.

6. Stand in front of the mirror and verbally abuse yourself. Tell yourself you are silly, unfair and that you really hate yourself. Your kids will tell you if you don’t.

7. Cover your hands with jam and wander through the house, touching as much furniture and as many walls as possible. Turn on the TV and push the channel buttons. Step in puddles, come inside and walk all over your best chairs.

8. Bring in loads of tools and tip them over the middle of the living room floor. Leave them there all day.

9. Take three untrained puppies shopping with you – but not on a lead. Buy what you need without letting them out of your sight.

10. Put a snake on your lap next time you phone a friend. This is what your child as a two year old will feel like whenever you make a call. Next time, wait two hours before picking up the phone. This is the average length of a teenager’s phone conversation. Get used to it because that is how long you will have to wait in future.


If any of you out there are planning on having kids, the top 10 tips above will really come in handy....trust me

I wish someone had told me that 5 years ago Steph

Yeah me to.

How many kids have you got Staffy ?

Two. Louise who'll be 6 in May and Thomas who was 4 last month.

i have read that before but it still makes me laugh its just 10 years too late!!

18 years to late for me I loved the bit about the teenagers and the phone. I must be one of BT's best customers

Similar ages to my two, Jack who is 7 and Erin who is 3.

that my kids down to a T