Oo-Err

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
`tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding
an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving
across the road and mounting the kerb.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the
offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross
out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their
change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you
have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking
you have won the Lottery.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes
with thin strips of bacon.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any
that you catch in the act.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This
would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name
plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the
job.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the
head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour
of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by
simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.

Brilliant

thats so funny