Started researching care homes

for mum.

She rang Gill Tuesday evening from my brothers and
Gill said all she kept saying was I am so tired and struggling to eat still.

Spoke to Michael yesterday and he said she is eating but is very frail still not at all like her. She needs the bathroom during the night and he has a baby monitor so he can hear her and he says she can get out of bed on her own with a struggle it is the getting back in she cannot manage. She is also managing ok during the day getting to the bathroom but is worn out when she gets back. She is sleeping an awful lot too.

He asked me yesterday to start researching homes as he cannot have her there permanently he is 71 this year and has osteoporosis in his back he is in and out 4 times a night at the moment and worn out already. He said he will be able to have mum till the end of this month and if she hasn't made any improvement she cannot go back to the house to live on her own.

To be expected I suppose 92 in May and 3 falls including the one in hospital all in the space of 8-10 weeks. Plus all this stuff with her blood pressure. We feel she is now worn out and the body is giving up.

No, she can't live on her own now Lynn can she. I remember this with mum, she slept and slept for the last few months I had her, BUT, when she went on to the care home after her last hip op, she suddenly found a new lease of life with all the activity going on around her, but sadly, that didn't last long, she kept saying to me how tired she was and how she'd had enough.

We'll all be here one day I suppose, and this fiesty old mum of yours sure has put up a good fight hasn't she, and I feel sure she will now actually accept the fact that she has to be looked after, and that means looked after properly, with the people who know how to do it, you just can't beat it, and on top of which, it's just not fair on that brother of yours at his age. Blimey, I was only 55 when I started, but I dread to think if I had to do it all over again now at 60!

I'm sure you'll find somewhere with the very best of care Lynn, make sure you go there on the off chance, ring the bell when they're busy like I did and catch 'em on the hop - a good care home won't mind what time you visit! Don't bother with the chintzy curtains and posh furniture, you want the best of CARE, coz at the end of the day, our dear relatives really don't care as long as it's clean, comfortable and they have good food and good care.

I'm sorry you've got all this on your shoulders, but I know you'll do it from the heart as you always have.xxx

You can rest assured Helena it will be Gill and I doing the visiting so we will be all about catching them on the hop.

For all the problems over the last year she is still worth getting the best for and no more than she deserves.

Good luck in researching care homes, a few handy tips I can think of are to listen for buzzers & how people buzz from their rooms & how long before it stops. Also look at how the residents are dressed, are they neat & tidy & their hair done, men shaved etc.. it will give you an idea at how well they are cared for!
I worked in a few homes over the years both good & bad x

How very sad for you.

Not sure who Michael is (a brother?) but, at 71yrs of age, he should be able to relax after a lifetime's work and be making the most of however many years he has left in my view.

I lost both my parents when they were in their early 70s but neither of them became disabled physically or lost any of their mental capacity right up until the end.

Both died of cancer and both of them were only diagnosed with it weeks before it took them. Just 3 weeks in the case of my mum. She was in fact attending one of those centres in the hospital for them to assess how well she would manage on her own at home as she was eager to get home.

I feel quite lucky and think they were too to be spared a long and lingering deterioration. I'd heard such awful stories about long, painful lingering suffering with cancer that I assumed that was would happen when first my mum, and then my dad, were diagnosed with it. But it didn't happen. Mum went into hospital with what was thought to be severe bronchitis/pneumonia and never came out.

My dad was in for BP regulation and checks after suffering a heart failure and got diagnosed with the cancer whilst in there - first he said he didn't want any chemo then changed his mind. He died while in hospital receiving the second dose of chemo just weeks later.

My heart goes out to people like yourself and 'Michael' whose loved ones are not suffering from some disease that has a definitive prognosis but who are just basically 'wearing out'.

I do hope you find somewhere that you feel happy with soon and that you can find more peace of mind than you have right now.

Thank you for those tips.

Michael is my brother. You are right it is a lot to expect of someone who is turned 70 themselves. Also the rest of us getting older too it is getting extremely hard.

Sorry to hear about your parents but I do agree to see someone basically wear out physically is very hard especially when they have always been a hard working always on the go kind of person.

My dad was 80 when he died and of cancer and thankfully for him it was fairly swift hard for us but kinder for him he would of gone mad being this way. Mum is finding it hard to deal with too.

Lynn just spotted you are in Harlow. I will have to get the name off my mum but there is a care home near you that my grandma went to there are 2 options, one is a proper care home one is assisted accom, so your own flat, but they will feed you if you don't want to cook (but you have a little kitchen). She neverrr wanted to leave her home but she LOVED it there

The right decision Lynn.

A good Care Home will be happy for you to visit any time as long as it's not across mealtimes(for obvious reasons).

Look at not just the facilities but at the staff, are they in clean uniforms & happy to chat etc. Also the homes shouldn't smell of pee or anything else. Check out what activities they have as well

I'm sure you & your sister are well capable of sussing out the wheat from the chaff.

Good luck there are some lovely homes out there

Good luck in the search Lynn. I'm sure you'll find somewhere nice that mum will settle in.

It's just so very sad to watch our mums growing old and weak, knowing that there's very little we can do to make things truly better.

Lynn, I have read some of your previous posts about your Mum, having almost no experience of being in this position I haven't felt it right to comment but I do now think that you have no choice and I wish you luck in finding the right place. As that canny lass Helena 54 has said it is probably a good idea to call without an appointment and just look around and maybe talk to the residents, I think that will tell you a lot.