A little selection from my new joke book!

.... and I'm only on the first page!!!!

A guy working at a lumberyard, accidentally sheared off all ten of his fingers. At the hospital, the surgeon said "give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do. " I haven't got them" said the man. "Why not?" asked the surgeon. This is 2007, we've got microsurgery and all kinds of amazing techniques, I could have put them back on, and made you like new. So why didn't you bring the fingers?" The man replied "I couldn't pick them up"

There's more:

A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced "I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off my p*nis and eat it". "Before you do" said the pilot, "Think of your girlfriend". "What's the point? At this rate I will never, see her again anyways". "I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully, there will be enough for both of us"!!!!

and this is the best one!!!

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said "Did you hear the news? - Mike's dead" "How?" gasped the other "What happened to him?". "Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he pulled up outside, he didn't brake properly and -bang - he hit the pavement, the car flipped over and he went crashing through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window"
"Wow!¬ What a horrible way to die!" "No, no, he surviived, that didn't kill him. So, after landing in my upstairs bedroom, he was lying on the floor covered in broken glass. Then he spotted the big antique wardrobe we have in the room and reached for the handle to try and pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when - bang - this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones". "What a way to go! that's terrible!" "No, no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawled out into the landing. Then he tried to pull himself up on the banister, but under his weight, the banister broke and he fell down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spun and fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him". "Gee! That was an awful way to go!" "No, no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up by the cooker, but accidentally reached for the big pot of boiling water. Woosh! The whole thing came down on him and burned off most of his skin". "Man! What a way to go!" " No, no, he survived that. He was lyng on the ground, covered in boiling water, and he spotted the phone. He thought he'd reach for the phone to call for help but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall. Well, water and electricity don't mix, so he got electrocuted - boom - 10,000 volts shot through him. "Now that is one horrible way to go!" No, no that didn't kill him. He survived that, he.... "Hold on now, just how the hell did Mike die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for??" "He was wrecking my house!"

Phew! I'm gonna stick to the shorter ones now, plus of course the clean ones!

P,M,S,L There great H keep them coming xxdk

Was that a Xmas pressie H If so, from who

Keep 'em comming.

The middle one just cracked me right up.

I've just sent that to a gay friend of Michelle's. (It's ok he has a sense of humour).

It was from Dave H But then he does know me very well!!!! It's a very thick book too, it'll keep us going for at least a year!!!! If my hands can keep up that is!!!

They still don't beat that Irish Ghost Story of yours Colin, I had to read that out loud at my Christmas lunch with the girls, it cracked them all up!!! I was beginning to wonder if it's the same book you've got,cozr I had De ja vous on the first couple of pages!!!!!

Briliant, love the last one