Oh Lorna, I'm so sorry you found it so very hard, but you were young, whereas I should have and was expecting this, it shouldn't have come as a shock, although I suppose it did when the time finally came. In a funny kind of way Lorna, this is why it's making it so difficult, the fact that she has always, always been there for me, whether that be for a shoulder to cry on, just to tell her some good/bad news, or to ask for advice, it was always mum that I turned to, Dave isn't the strong character that she was and he doesn't have that bright, sharp mind that she had, always offering the best advice possible which I always took, I'd be a tad dubious of taking advice from Dave tbh! Don't mean that in a bad way, he's a real gem as you said before, but you know what I mean.

I suppose I've never quite been in this position before have I, and don't quite know how to react, like you say, what am I supposed to do now (I feel a song coming on Lol!!!). I know I'll get back to normal, in fact, I might just pick up that phone and ring a couple of those old friends who I hadn't seen for so many years and have a chat with them, it'll be different if I ring THEM instead of them ringing me I think, I'm a bit of a control freak ya see, but in the nicest possible way! I honestly thought I had picked myself up, until I went out with my best mate this morning, maybe SHE didn't quite know how to behave with me then, especially if she noticed I was being a tad quiet, maybe she thought, she'd better be the same. I will never know. Maybe I'll ring her and just tell her how I'm feeling and ask her if she has noticed a change in me! Blimey, I don't want to change, I like being loud and gobby, just like mum was in her younger days, although she went about it in a more classy way! Thanks Lorna, I think you've sorted me out now, along with another lovely person on here who's been pm'ing me who I don't even know, but she's definitely one of us!!!! Thanks Lorna, and hugs to you too, you suffered a greater loss than me, mine should just be "accepted" as part of life, but yours definitely wasn't, and I think you coped admirably for what it's worth.xxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Lynn, so do you think I'm normal then??? Being like this I mean, not being ME as such! Lol! Oh I do hope so Lynn, I just want to be MEEEEEE again that's all, but it'll come. I'll chat with Dave tonight and tell him how I feel, he's always good to talk to and we usually end up laughing which in itself will make me feel better, plus it's the week-end, so he'll be around for 2 days again and I need him right now, but he knows that already I'm sure, even though I've given him my cold, he'll be here for me. Thanks Lynn.xxxxxx

Thanks Shona, been a bit of a nightmare 2 weeks quite honestly, but the worst is now over, I've just gotta dust myself off and get on with it again. xxxxx

Awww Helena, I am so sorry you are not understanding how you are feeling I felt like that when I lost Dad, thing was I had to keep Mum going. When I was on my own though I would be quiet and realise how much I missed him and at a loss as there was no Hospital to keep getting too you kind of become stuck in a routine you know exactly how your'e time is going to be filled and when that is gone there is a gaping hole so you have two holes to fill.
The emotional one and the routine one.

How about looking into the PAT dog thing with Zena you could both go training and that might help fill up some of that time you are finding hard to get your head around at the moment.

It will pass and you will begin to think how did I cram everything in.

When Mum goes I will be exactly the same only this time I will not have the other half there to fill up the time.

(((Hugs))). Xx

I think that's it Lynn, my routine has now been thrown into chaos, well, not exactly chaos, but quite the opposite hasn't it, it WAS chaos for 3 years and now all is calm, still and quiet, and I just don't know what to do with it.

You're right about Zena too, I do want her to end up a Pat dog, but of course, she's too young, I can't do anything like that with her yet, but I will at least get myself motivated now to go to the next training class, aim for those bronze, silver and gold's and take it from there, coz that is what I want for her and me, we'll both bring a smile to some lonely old people won't we, and she's calm enough nowadays, I won't have a problem with her I'm sure.

In a way, what makes it worse is, she was the last of my real family, my blood relatives as such. Even though I have my brother of course and his children, too much water has gone under that bridge now over the past 3 years, and although I tried to make amends on the funeral day, it seems he doesn't want to know now, but that's his choice of course.

My dad died yes, but he was my stepfather, and although I was very upset, I always had old mum didn't I and I enjoyed being there for her at the time and helping her get through her loss, and now who is there for me? Thank God I have Dave and my gorgeous doglets hey, otherwise, I think I might end up in the psycho ward. I remember my sil when they lost Dave's father, she was in a terrible state and had to resort to pills, but I can't see me going down that route quite honestly, I've never been one for pills, I want a clear head and be myself, not something to mask it all, but that's just me, for some people they need them and respect to them, I just don't want them.

I've e-mailed that Father to thank him for such a lovely service and told him a bit about the way I'm feeling and you never know, he might invite me round for a cuppa and a little chat and although I'm not religeous, it might just do me good. These people are there for you to turn to at times like this aren't they, or that's what I thought they were for! I might come right out and ask him if he'll spare me 10 mins (maybe a bit longer knowing me though!!!! )

It's good that I've got you lot on here, at least this way I can let it all out without fear of retribution or boring everybody else around me! Thanks for listening Lynn, I hope you're not in my boat until you're well prepared for it, and when your own mum has finally had enough of life just like mine did, it doesn't make it quite so bad when they themselves feel that way, at least then, you can keep saying to yourself, it was a blessing she was ready to go.xxxxx

Well you know you just talked yourself into being a visitor and do you know what??? you have the perfect venue right there on your doorstep, if you can bear to return that is, I'm sure there are lot of loney old ladies or gents that would just love you to adopt them, your chatter and zena and Georgie will fill a hole in their lives and give you something to lavish all that attention onto. yea?????

I know how you feel, as I said this morning on the phone, it's a kind of limbo time now, all the prep and the rushing around has stopped and now you have the time to realise and let it all sink in...Hey it's 4 1/2 years since I lost my dear old dad and I still cry now..I still feel that hole in my middle and feel the pain of loss, but it gets easier to bear, you have to try and remember the good times, although they make me cry too! Oh I miss him so much so I know how you feel, I still feel like a part of me has been amputated, he was mum and dad to me as loosing my mum when I was 7 he brought me and my brother up and was always there, just like your mum, he pulled me out of so many holes I often wonder where all that love of his came from, but then I think of my two sons and I feel the same way!

Your feeling down, that's understandable and your not well so that makes it all the more hard to bear.

You think carefully about doing something and if volunteering is what you fancy then go for it, maybe you could help out at meal times that way you can chat and make all those old dears laugh, coz you can do that, you make me laugh!!!!

speak soon mate

Elaine xxxxx

eta: Just read that bit about being the only one left, yea I know how that feels, as you know I have a brother too, but he doesn;t want to know just like yours. you feel like an orphan don't you? even though you have your hubby and such, it's not quite the same, so yea I do understan that bit too!! what a lot we have in common...we must have been good friends in another life hey???

I can't find words to say in situations like this, but just want you to know I'm thinking of you xx Grief affects us differently I guess - and it's hard trying to work out how you feel & how you are supposed to feel. Like if you laugh you then feel you shouldn't be - then you think the person would want you to be happy etc..
Time is the only healer I guess , but missing the person never goes away xx

Elaine thats a lovel;y idea, H I can only imagine how lost you must be feeling but H it's only natural (I know that won't help - but from I know of you you are quite a matter of fact person and if things can be explained then thats good with you, but the not understanding is probably compounding all your worries and emotions)

You have just lost soeone very precious to you so its natural to be unnerved, everything has changed, remember what I said about that next chapter H. BUT...just you take as much time to digest the chapter that has finished as you need before moving on to the next.

Change unsettles even the most stoic of us and boy is it a change, its a change to your family, to your day, to your support mechanism, BUT there are plenty people who will benefit greatly from your wise words, your witty raport and your endless friendship when the time is right for you.

Try not to beat yourself up about things being diffrent, diffrent doesn't mean bad. Your dear mum is watching over you and wishing that you would take advantage of this time you have to yourself!! She is willing you to have those quiet times, and soon the laughter will erturn when you remember all the funny stories you have shared with us on here and all the many more that are your own private memories. Now you go give those beautiful dogs a cuddle and get yourself a cuppa and put those feet up. xxxxxx

And YOU misses, have been my absolute rock throughout everything going on for the past I don't know how long! Always there for me at the end of the phone, even though you've probably been busy yourself sometimes, you've always had the time for me and cheered me up or cried with me haven't you! Even though you're miles away, I too know that we have something quite special, so many circumstances the same, so many coincidences, we must have been great friends in our past life/lives! One day I'm gonna turn up on your doorstep mate, when I'm feeling normal again though, I don't think you'd like me like this!!!! Whatever normal is of course xxxxxxxxxxx

Aww hon, don't worry if you are a bit subdued for a couple of weeks, I changed a lot, was very depressed for a long long long time, very very very very depressed, ended up having a nervous breakdown, so I didn't cope very well at all really lol. But I'm back to my normal gobby self now, and have been for a long time, it just takes time, don't get frustrated with yourself, the changes aren't permanent.

My mum lost her dad (her dad was to her what our mum's were to us) when she was 20, she said that she felt she'd never smile again at the time. But as the days went on she gradually got herself back in order, but the key was to let your body do exactly what it wants to. She knew she wouldn't be around long I think, she kind of always coached me to deal with it....I just didn't realise it at the time.

I was talking to Rachy about what you said about it being harder when its a shock, I think you've suffered more than me, you have more memories, more time together, I only had 19 years so it was an easier routine to break I guess. She was ill for over a decade and I was her carer from the age of 7, so I always knew it would happen, just didn't want it to....but at the end of the day though, we've both lost something incredibly special, no matter how old we are, and I think both of our mums were far too good for this world and I think they're having a lovely time in paradise waiting for us!

I think you need Zena and Georgie cuddles!!!!!!

I do mean it lovely, I'm always here always! xxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Tillymint, I'm at a different stage now, and I suppose there are different stages of grief that you just have to stick it out, but I really don't like this one, I don't want to change in myself, so hopefully I can get back to normal soon.xxxx

and you're another one Lynne, who's bombarded me with your endless messages of support, I've digested every word you've said, you always talk such sense, and you've always, always made me feel so much better in myself, just like you have yet again here! Yes, I remember you talking about that "chapter", so I'll ponder on that one then! Everything happens for a reason doesn't it.

Yes, I know she's thankful looking down on me that at long last I have time to breathe, some of that long awaited "me" time, coz she was always so very worried about me rushing here, there and everywhere, although she never once told me to slow down, she knew better than that, she was always told to do that herself at my age by my grandmother, so I know why she kept her mouth shut there!!!

Good idea about that cuppa Lynne, I'd better not open one of those bottles of wine I've got leftover from the other day otherwise I won't be able to be on here coz that wine makes all the keys change on this keyboard don't they!!!! I'll be having those tears in me ears again won't I or worse!!! Thanks for everything Lynne, you too are somebody really special on here to me but you already know that.xxxxxxx

Do you find your memories are so vivid? I do, when I lost my mum aged 7 I only had those 7 years of memories, but do you know what I can remember being in my pram, I must have been about 2 and I can remember every Christmas present every little trip we made together..I still see her face as clear as it was when I was a little girl!

x