Amanda - you and your Mum are in my thoughts and my prayers. xx

You do sound very stressed (unsurprisingly)

I wish there was something that could be done or said to help, but I guess there isn't. You have a lot of people thinking about you and your dear mum - and I hope she finds peace very soon.

Hugs xxx

My thoughts are still with you and your mum xxx

Sending you a hug at this difficult time

Thinking of you{{{hugs}}}

Thanks all. Just having a rant and a vent on here yesterday helped. I left the hospice a bit early yesterday, around 9pm rather than the usual 11pm. My brother and his wife stayed with mum. Mum said she didn't mind me going a bit early, she told me to go and spend some time with Cain. So I did, I gave him a big hug and did a bit of training with him, which I think made us both feel a lot better.

Last night was awful Even though my brother and SIL got their first yesterday, mum didn't say anything. The moment I walked in the door she said she had slept terribly and that she'd been scared and the nurses had to stay with her. She asked me to stay the night and I, of course, agreed. We had been avoiding offering to stay the night as she seemed ok in the evenings and we knew that once we stayed once, we'd have to do it every night. But as she asked directly, I couldnt say no.

I didn't manage to get to sleep until midnight. The little camp bed is narrow, hard and had a big lump of metal in the middle Mum was then awake at 1.30-2am needing extra morphine, she was hot so I was wiping her over with a cool cloth and she wanted her back rubbed. Went back to bed at 2, took ages to drift off again. Mum was up again at 4am, again saying she was uncomfortable. Up again around 6. I drifted in and out of sleep fitfully as the hospice is surprisingly noisy at night with call bells going off, and you wake up to each one as you don't know if it's your own.

Again mum said she was scared last night, but wouldn't say exactly of what. I held her hand and told her there was nothing to be scared of. She kept saying she was tired and just wanted to die but can't it's so cruel that this is dragging out for her.

I'm beyond exhausted again. Living at the hospice 14 hours a day was tiring enough, but without a decent nights sleep, it seems impossible. I really can't face doing it again tonight. I need to sleep so badly right now, it's like I'm drifting around in a daze. I'm hoping if she wants someone to stay again tonight, which I think she will, that she will allow my brother to stay instead and we can at least rotate nights. Although she very specifically wanted me last night But if I keep this up for a few days I think I'll be in a very bad state, I already feel in my own world today, which is not good for looking after her

I'm sorry to hear its been tough - guess there's no easy solution, in theory alternating days with your brother should give you some respite but it must be tough to stay away not knowing if the one night you have "off" will be the night you wish you'd gone in Can you maybe plan to stay later on the nights your brother stays, e.g. until 11pm, but come in a bit later on the nights you stay over - so get to the hospital for 9 and have a little nap at home before you visit? I'd try to grab some sleep where you can.

When she nears the end she will be unconscious most of the time IME. This stage is very hard but the illness will take its course - talk to the hospice staff. They are there to help.
Everyone copes differently and everyone`s experience is different, but the staff will be able to offer support.
x

This must be absolutely ghastly for you, I'm so sorry you are having to cope with this. Karly's idea of alternating days with your brother is a good one so that you both get some time to recharge your batteries.