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peedie is offline  
Location: Scotland
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,007
07-05-2010, 09:25 AM
I had these tests both times I was pregnant and had extra scans as my husband has a family history of Spina Bifida.
My cousin said to me on the phone one night, "what would you do if the baby was disabled"? This was something which was concerned about, I personally would struggle with a disabled child. It might be different if I actually had one but I feel that I would find it very very hard. I was really angry with her for being so insensitive. Every pregnant lady must wonder at some point if her baby is ok, healthy etc and for someone to offer their opinion when it is a very strong opinion and may make the pregnant lady uncomfortable or feel like she is being judged is insensitive and inconsiderate of the person offering the opinion imo. I think ladies who are pregnant are extra sensitive (hormones and all that) you you really should think twice before you say some things
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Mollybobs is offline  
Location: Durham, UK
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 39
07-05-2010, 09:47 AM
This is a hard one.....personal choice aside, I think if I had been your friend, in sharing my concerns about having the test done,I would almost have been testing you out for how you would have supported/understood/sympathised had the worst come to the worst. Hope that makes sense
A personal example was when a friend of mine, who was 43 at the time, with a grown up family thought she might be pregnant. She told me, and asked what I would do in her situation. As it turned out, she was not pregnant, but admitted afterwards that she was afraid of other peoples reactions to any decision she made and was using me as a test case!

Friends like you do have open and honest discussions, debates, out and out rows sometimes, but as long as you both know you will always be there for each other, no matter what your personal opinion is, that is all that matters
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zoe1969 is offline  
Location: North Wales
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,037
07-05-2010, 06:48 PM
You have a right to your opinion of course but maybe saying it to her was a little insensitive?
As someone has said already....working with and being a parent to a disabled child is totally different.
I have a 14 year old stepson with severe learning difficulties. He lives with me and his dad and I have parental responsiblity for him. He is the most annoying, difficult child you could ever look after in your life. He is incontinent of faeces at night and sometimes smears it everywhere. He constantly repeats the same thing over and over again all day long. He also gets wound up easily and lashes out at me or his dad. We cannot go anywhere for a holiday as there is no respite for him. It's not like an ordinary child who can go to stay with nanny or a else can look after him as he is so difficult.
We do not have a life of our own and probably never will.
Although I love my son I also know that having lived this life I would never condemn anyone for terminating a pregnancy if the child was disabled.
I would like to see those that do condemn it take care of a disabled child day and night and then come back and say they still condemn it.

That said hun, it's always down to individual choice.
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Collie Convert
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Collie Convert is offline  
Location: West sussex
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,464
11-05-2010, 11:00 PM
Of course you were just offering your opinion and thats what you did.
But I also think its unfair to judge others on their choices.

I can only give my thoughts- i would personnally have the test. As the mother of an autistic child i know how hard it is to look after a child with disabilities(albeit very different from d/s) and my choice would be not to bring a child into this world if i knew it would have these problems.
Even the thought of having another child with an increased risk of that child being affected by autism has made me decide not to have more children as i just wouldnt be able to cope and seeing my son distressed at so many things is just heartbreaking.

I love my son more than anything in this world, but if i had a choice between him being 'normal' (hate to say it like that!) or autistic, then of course i would choose for him to be 'normal' and live life like other children.

And the poster that said living and working with families with disabled children is much different is spot on. There is a HUGE difference.
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Fondly Remembered
Phil is offline  
Location: Perthshire
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 11,027
11-05-2010, 11:52 PM
Can't really comment on your pals reaction as I don't know how the conversation developed or how you put your point of view over but I see no problem with what you said in terms of your view.

We chose not to have the test when Karen was pregnant with Hannah as we'd decided that the result would not affect our view on how we would move forward. Following a few miscarriages we once again (9 years later) decided not to have the test when she was pregnant with Fiona.
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littlewolf is offline  
Location: Glasgow
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 503
12-05-2010, 11:48 AM
It's a very emotive subject, and very personal too.
Easy to fall out over such things so probs best to steer away from such conversations in future.
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elaineb is offline  
Location: Runcorn Cheshire UK
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,480
18-05-2010, 08:01 AM
I'm glad you sorted this out with your friend

Speaking from experience..sort of.

I have a serverly disabled son. Although I sailed through my pregnancy and there were no problems, It was the birth that did the damage. He has, like Brundogs brother, cerebal palsy, double incontinence, and cannot walk, although he can feed himself and communite with sounds.

I have been asked this question many many times about would I have aborted a pregnancy if, and if is a big word, known that the child had a high risk of disability. My answer, God that is so difficult..I think I would have had the test to be totally honest and taken it from there. Mind you this was 35 years ago and the test for Downs etc then was a lot more high risk.

I love my son to piece and as I said it was the birth that damaged my perfect baby so there was nothing that I could have done to change the outcome.

It is very hard bringing up a disabled child....I always say it's not just the child that is disabled but the whole family. It's heartbreaking, stressful, and you need acres of patience. You dont have a life of your own, You just can't up sticks and take off for the weekend. Going out is like a military maneovour! Everything has to be planned. The sleepless nights, the seizures...worry, worry and more worry.... and if I'm totally honest..a modecum of resentment...sometimes.
Not everyone can commit to that, as I said I never had the choice...if I had would I do the same thing, knowing what I know now?..perhaps, but Carl is here now and nothing can change that.

I understand about the worry when you get older and wonder about how they will be looked after.

I also worry about how easy it is for people to abort for whatever reason. As tests get better, who knows what reasons people will decide to abort a pregnancy for in the future.

I also believe that disabled children are a blessing and teach us compassion for others. Today too many people are too wrapped up in themselves, which is a shame as it's affecting the way we think about, and care about others.

Initally it is your friends decision...everyone has a choice.

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