I need to get this off my chest!

It’s a long story! We sold off half our garden a few years ago, a house was built on it and sold, with vehicular and pedestrian access over our large driveway for the new house. We have lived in peace and harmony with our new neighbours for several years, dining in each other’s houses, I had their GSP to stay before we got Ben for a couple of weeks and I have looked after their cats several times. One evening it was getting dusk, we had got back from the supermarket with some beers and a bottle of wine. We let the dogs out of the car, and walked into the house, with the dogs behind us. Out of the gloaming comes Her next door with her 2 on leads. All 4 dogs are large males, 3 entire, 1 castrated. Now, to me the sensible thing would have been to call out to us that she was coming across the drive with the boys, bearing in mind we hadn’t seen her as it was getting dark. But across the drive she strides with her 2, my 2 rush across to say hello, I have a large pack of beers in my arms and OH a carrier bag of wine, so it takes a few seconds to register what was happened, call the dogs and get them in the house. Unfortunately one of her 2 growled at Ben, and WW3 broke out. No harm done, just pistols at dawn, our 2 were got under control very quickly, apologies made and in we went. I blame us for the incident, as they have the perfect right to cross our drive and we should not have had the dogs loose on our drive. However, I think she was less than sensible not to have called out to us that she was there, but never mind, I take full responsibility for the incident.

Unfortunately Ben, being DA towards other large males, obviously bore a grudge towards the black lab who had had the temerity to growl at him on HIS drive (dogs do not have an understanding of course of boundaries and legal rights of way!), and a few weeks later our neighbours were walking round the field past our back gate with the black lab and their golden retriever. We were exchanging greetings when Ben suddenly launches himself over our fence, jumping down the “ha ha” and into the field, and launches what I can only describe as a savage attack on the black lab. Now, we have had dogs much larger than Ben in that garden for 15 years, and not one has EVER jumped out, the fence is some 4 foot high and with the drop down the other side plus prickly bushes and nettles, we did not think it possible. Our next door neighbour was beating Ben as hard as he possibly could with his walking stick in an attempt to get Ben off the Labrador, whilst OH shot down the steps and out into the field and grabbed Ben. It was awful, it must have been terrifying for these poor people and their dog – the golden retriever was not touched, it was clear it was the black lab who was Ben’s target. There was a minor injury unfortunately – under the dog’s armpit was an area of skin missing about the size of an old penny, no blood, but the wound probably would require suturing just to pull the 2 sides of skin together. Understandably, Her next door went absolutely bonkers, hurling abuse, telling me she would not rest until my F’ing dog was put down. I told them to get the dog to the vet and we would pay the bill. I calmly accepted her 4 letter word abuse, as I felt it entirely justified, and OH did not even rebuke Him next door for savagely beating Ben with his walking stick (which did injure Ben in fact), as again we felt this incident was our fault, even though we could never have guessed that Ben would jump out of the garden. A vet bill was incurred (apparently) of £700 and rising when I rang that evening to enquire after the dog. Again I was subjected to a tirade of 4 letter words, and the phone was put down on me, so I do not know from that day to this whether the dog is all right. We are covered on our insurance for this incident, and it is now in the hands of the insurance company, and we thought that that was that. All our attempts to apologise and to restore good relationships had been rebuffed with the foulest of language.

Not a bit of it. This weekend our 2 were snuffling under the dividing fence, and next door’s 2 were snuffling back. There was no growling, no unpleasantness whatsoever – the gap was only an inch so no damage could be inflicted by either parties – and I commented to OH how nice it was that it looked like the 4 boys were getting on so well. I called over the fence to them by their names and told them they were good boys, and they licked and snuffled my fingers under the fence. I then got in my car and drove up to see my parents. After I had gone, OH suddenly heard a banging noise. It was Her next door attacking my dogs by hitting the fence with a large object – we believe it may have been a broom or rake handle because Ben has an injury on his nose and refuses to go anywhere near the back fence now. She was again f’ing and blinding and hurling abuse over the fence, so OH hurled some back at her – which I wish he hadn’t as I would prefer to keep the moral high ground. She has apparently been slandering us round the village ever since the incident, even describing me as an f’ing “come-up-next-Tuesday”! This has gone too far, we have spent a fortune on putting up a huge fence that even an elephant would not be able to get through or over, and we even walk the dogs away from the village so that next door do not feel intimidated by Ben, because I can understand how terrifying it must have been, even though Ben had no interest in hurting them or the GR, only the poor lab. We have done everything we possibly can to ensure that such an incident never happens again, and I don’t really know what else I can do, except continue to work on Ben’s DA and keep well away from them and their dogs.

I just needed to get that off my chest … I like to think if the situation was reversed I would be more gracious. Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry the relationship between you and them next door has broken down

Yes from what you describe it is a situation that although your fault it was an accident and not really something you could predict, and you have done what you can to stop it happening again

But at the same time the overreaction is kind of understandable too, as you say it must have been very scary, sometimes it takes much less to have fuding neighbours
Honestly I dont think you can build bridges at the moment, you have tried, they are clearly scared and angry with your dogs

although it was nice there was friendly sniffing going on I would prob keep my dogs away - and not unsupervised in the garden if it was me, they sound very mad at you guys, its not worth it

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable -- they are. Were you friendly with them before the incident? I couldn't work out from your post whether the abusive neighbours were the same as the ones who previously had the GSP you looked after.

Have you spoken to each other civilly since? I'm guessing not.

Did this happen recently? at the end of the day, accidents happen. You paid for the damage done to their dog, apologized and built a new fence so there is nothing more than can be done on your part.

Totally agree with everything you say - although we don't need to supervise our 2 in the garden, as it is totally impossible now for them to get out. We have installed 2, 6 foot gates in both alleyways instead of the 5 foot ones that were there before. The fence is now almost 6 foot and wired up so there is no chance they can get over or through it. I will not have these people control my life in such a way, although I do agree for my dogs' own safety it would be best to prevent them from going near the boundary fence with next door - at the moment they are too afraid to do so, but that will change. My only fear is that Ben could wreak some dreadful revenge if he ever got the chance, but as he has never shown any inclination to do this, hopefully my fears will remain just as that - fears, not realities! We have written to them and explained that we must keep the dogs apart at all costs, that we no longer walk our 2 around the fields at the back of the house and that of course they still have right of way and access over the drive, with or without their dogs. We have accepted full responsibility for what was, after all, an accident, and as dog owners they should be able to see that. I just hate being like this with people whom I have done many favours for, and for whom I have been excellently entertained by, and in turn have entertained them excellently. It is so sad and so unnecessary. I am just hoping it will resolve, but after her describing me with that dreadful c word, it is going to be very difficult!

Thanx for the good advice matey!

Yup, the very same. We were bosom buddies ever since they moved in several years ago. I have looked after their cats for them many times, and I had their GSP to stay for 2 weeks, bless him, he is sadly departed. I have had great pleasure in drinking their house dry along with my OH, and vice versa. It is just unbelievable, and I personally believe there is more to this than meets the eye - it is all Her who is doing the mouthing off and the abuse, He is remaining to be the perfect gentleman that he always has been (aside from beating Ben over the back with his walking stick, but I cannot blame him for that, although it is not something that I would ever do even to protect my own dogs simply because it will not work). But they avoid us like the plague, and vice versa. Haven't got a problem with that, it is the nastiness and the foul language that I cannot stomach. I guess I'll have to!! Thanx for the advice.

Poor you, very awkward situation to be in.
However, if it were me I'd stop trying to placate the neighbour, they are obviously not interested in making up. It even seems that the harder you try the more abuse you receive.
I'd be inclined to completely blank them, there's no need to be abusive, but neither is there a need to set yourself up to just have abuse hurled at you.

You're not my OH by any chance are you? You have virtually quoted him verbatim!! It is just that with them having access over the drive I feel it so much better if we can be civil. However, it is obviously not meant to be, I cannot see her climbing down now, she just wants to kill my dog, or have him killed, and clearly won't rest until she achieves that, which of course will be never hopefully!

Nikki, I don't think you are being unreasonable. As soon as you realised that Ben could get over the fence you have rectified the situation. You have apologised and offered money for the vet's bill. It is a great shame what has happened, and it must have been very frightening and distressing for the owners, but you cannot change it, all you can do is make sure the same does not happen again - and you have already taken the necessary steps to avoid that.

I think neighbours in your village will take whatever she has been saying with a pinch of salt really, they know you after all.

For your dogs safety, I would keep a watchful eye on them when they are out in the garden.....

Thanx - I think she must have rammed the broomstick or rake handle under the gap at the bottom of the fence to do the damage that she did to Ben's muzzle. Luckily that bit of the garden can easily be blocked off, because I wouldn't put it past her to throw something really dangerous over - I dread to think what. What she doesn't understand and refuses to take on board is that we have come so far with Ben, he has achieved so much, he is not a dangerous dog, a dangerous dog is a dog who bites, or could potentially bite, people, he is a dog who along with millions of other dogs can be very aggressive towards other dogs of the same sex. He is not a bully, he never attacks small dogs, but he is aggressive sometimes towards other large males. We have studied him very carefully with other dogs when muzzled and the trigger appears to be when they show any sign of aggression or defence. If they allow him to sniff them, greet them and relate to them, all is well. Of course, there are many dogs who, like Ben, have issues, and who don't wish to be sniffed or greeted, hence his aggressive reaction. This is going to take a very long time to sort, if we ever do, and in the meantime all we can do is to maintain rigorous control over him at all times, whilst allowing him freedom off the lead wherever it is safe to do so.

Shared access, drives and pathways frequently cause problems - you opted to put yourself in that situation by selling off some land for building on.

You've already said you blame yourself entirely (I don't really see how anyone could blame the other party). And I'm sure you've tried to imagine how it would be if it were you who kept your dogs leashed and you had to run the gauntlet of dogs let loose on the access to your home.

Trying to see it from their POV - they have paid to have their own home built and now cannot enjoy it in peace because of their fear of your dogs and not just the imagined fear that they might attack - they have attacked, and more than once.

You've said you enjoyed really good relations with them before any of this happened and were friendly and socialised together. I can't imagine they've both undergone a complete personality transplant - they are the same people. It's a real shame the second (worse) incident occurred after the initial trouble and a shame it has been allowed to degenerate to the stage where they are involving all and sundry and turning it into a community issue.

They could REALLY be regretting their decision to buy and build on your land now. No one likes living with neighbour problems hanging over them. I'm sure this isn't making them happy either.

You've said your fence was only 4ft high before but has now been replaced with one the dogs cannot 'get over'. However, it seems they can still 'get under' it to a limited extent - enough for them to still interact, for you to put your hand under and for the neighbour to hit your dog through?

I'd be inclined to say try writing to them to see if there is any chance you could meet and discuss the situation, expressing regret that your friendship seems to have ended. Or perhaps you should look into some sort of 'mediation service' to get this thrashed out once and for all and obviously make sure your garden is totally secure and dog proof and that your dogs are never allowed again to be loose on the shared access (or jointly owned) parts of the property before it escalates further.

I really don't see how anyone could attach any blame for what's happened to the neighbours. Yes, she may now be letting her reaction go over the top but that could be because she is regretting the breakdown of the friendship and maybe trying to justify her initial reaction by keep stressing your fault?

One thing's for sure - living with neighbour problems can be hell and living with neighbour problems where there is jointly owned land or access even worse. You cannot just opt to 'avoid one another altogether'.