Lore - as others have commented you have a lot on your plate 'without this'. But really 'THIS' is a biggie isn't it?

What I would say to you is this - how would you be feeling about your relationship if you didn't have all the rest 'on your plate'? I mean no kids, no job, no hobbies or outside interests whatever - just you and your partner? Because one day you know - that is how it will more or less be if you stay together until your twilight years.

Sometimes it is 'all the other stuff we've got on our plate' that keeps us going or at least doesn't leave us too much time to address the big relationship problem or gives us a good excuse not to have to.

I will avoid my usual witticisms and be serious for a minute. I once renovated a whole 3 storey house more or less singlehandedly (took me 4 yrs non stop working from morn til late nights) and I know now (with hindsight) that I was doing it to stop me having to think about the real issue.

In a previous staled marriage I threw myself heart and soul into landscaping a huge garden (I'd be out there working under arc lights sometimes!) and bringing up my two young sons and involved in everything from cubs and scouts to swimming lessons at the school and, well, you name it. I was doing it to 'fill a void' and to put off the awful day when I'd have to 'thrash it out' or make a decision.

It's very difficult sometimes when you are 'bogged down' in a marriage or relationship that has lost its shine to actually clear your head properly and even admit to yourself what the REAL problem is.

When I couldn't put my finger on one thing above all others and just kept 'soldiering on' I decided the thing to do was to be honest with myself and ask myself 'what is the first negative thing you think about after you wake up?' Or what is the thing that creeps into your mind during the day more often than other things?

It's sometimes not the thing we complain loudest about and sometimes a combination of things or an accumulation of things.

OK I said I wasn't going to be lighthearted but I can't actually put it better than this - resentment and harboured feelings of not being appreciated or understood are like cancer and they will eat away at you. It is better to actually take a deep breath and blurt out what REALLY is bugging you or to at least try to have a heart to heart at this stage than to wait until the very act of your partner 'breathing', or 'snoring', or the way they hold their cutlery or eat their food drives you potty! It's a bit late by then.

Words of wisdom there Pat

I might try that myself Malka, thanks for the info there.

Yes, I find I don't have the time to read other threads nowadays, let alone answer them, hence the reason for me and Lynn getting our heads together over monitoring this one, which really takes off on its own doesn't it which is good. It's nice to have a place where everyone can vent off, cry if they want or laugh, it's what Dogsey has always been all about anyway, along with the doglets of course, mustn't forget our beloved dogs

Oh Pat, I couldn't begin to imagine one looooooong thread over many days,,weeks months You're right about that "monitoring" bit, cos that's how we feel, and it's so very time consuming when you don't have the time some days, so it becomes more of a chorse on those occassions when other times when we do have time, we enjoy being here most of the time. We've decided to keep it as it is, we just start it off each day and let it roll and everyone can take part or not, when they're busy.

Again Pat, we get confused when somebody drags up the daily from the day before, let alone having just ONE thread, it would take more time flipping back through the pages to see where the day began wouldn't it You're right though, we do feel obligated to reply to each and every one of you, but then when we have the time, it's nice to be able to do that, but we shouldn't feel guilty about going awol should we We do though

Hi Lynne, I can't wait to see that giant cupcake, and if I was at yours you wouldn't be looking for something to stick in the top of it, cos it would have GONE Can't believe you've got rubbish weather, it's been so glorious down here today.

Hi Jen, I'm not going to feel guilty anymore if/when I can't always answer, as even when I'm awol, I do pop in to have a quick read here and there. Hope you're feeling a bit better now too (((((hugs)))))xxxx

Well worth all the effort then June to have clear eye tests and such a lovely catch up at the vets, but sorry to hear about Mabs being sick in the car on the way home, but then it sounds like it was quite a journey.

Exciting times again then Lynn, and something you really didn't expect, funny how things can turn out that way sometimes. Good luck with her, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Oh Lorraine, we've been here before and you managed to sort it out, so let's hope it's nothing that can't be fixed again. Sometimes men can be so darn thoughtless, they really aren't on the same wave length as us, they don't realise how much it hurts sometimes. (((((((((hugs))))))))), it'll get better.xxxx

you go girl!!!

Well, I've been thrown into turmoil here...... Dave has just rung me to say turn the dinner off cos he won't be coming home Well, not tonight anyway. The car he was fixing today went pete tong so he's staying on tonight to get it sorted and probably most of tomorrow Bdooly garage

There I was, sat outside on the wall, chatting with the neighbour's sil having a right old giggle for almost an hour, and said I had to go cos I had to get dinner on for Dave, but now I don't. Anyway, he's cut the lawns front and back saved me a job, and I've talked to him about painting the whole house and he's cheap and can get good, cheap, proper exterior paint mould resistent, and again, it'll save me or Dave the job, so I'm going to let him do it. Mind you, it's gonna take him twice the time cos we do chat a lot lol! I'll get the price before he starts though

Tcht, all disappointed now, another night home alone, and no Corrie on either I don't think, might have to phone a friend and have a good catch up later on.

Hi to Sally for when you pop in, hope you've had a good day old bean.xxx

Well gee thanks TW but it is wisdom garnered from my years when 'serial spouse' was what I'd put down as my 'hobby' on job applications!

On a more serious note (geez I have been serious TWICE now!) I did a few years stint on a 'stepmother support' board - been there done that twice - and it's not just my own experiences it is the related experiences of lots of other people.

You can (sadly) carry the baggage from a bad relationship over into a new one.

NONE of this bothers me now! Celibate by choice for the past 13 yrs or so. It FREED UP MY LIFE mate! Even tho' I am of course so irresistably gorgeous that they beat a path to my door lol!

*I actually REALLY resent any comments along the lines of 'what's a lovely woman like you doing living all on her own'. I ain't got time to explain it to them but the mere fact they feel the need to ask says to me they aren't people I want to include in my short but very exclusive REAL FRIENDS list!

I likey this post!! Well done Pat for putting it so eloquently and to the point. Definitely food for thought in there Lorraine.

Pat not sure if I'm on my head or my A*** at the moment Gorden is feeling much the same.
It would make sense in the long run for so many reasons if it all happens.

June we will probably take the pond with us I don't think they would give a refund as we got it cheaper as they need room for new stock.

Gorden has just found a gorgeous place Cambs way so he has bookmarked it because if they get their mortgage agreed in principal Saturday and make us the offer we are looking for and need we might be house hunting Monday.

Helena
Brilliant. And no need for ANYONE to feel that they have to address every post. More of a 'what are you doing today?' thread and if anyone wants to reply to a particular point they can. I just do what I've done here - type the name of the member and bold it and then type away.

All the multi quote stuff just elongates the thread anyway and in fact the same stuff gets quoted over and over as more respond and makes it more likely that you 'get lost' lol!

Start if off with a Good morning and anything interesting (or boring) that you've got to say at that time of the morning and let it ROLL!

Ooooh I am getting so vicariously EXCITED on your behalf! I think this is a GREAT position to be in!

Well done on the clear eye tests June.

Oh that's a shame Helena you could of carried on yakking.

Yeah, he's such a good laugh, he works underground 10 hours a time blowing stuff up, so it's nice for him to get out in the fresh air, mow the lawns and have a chat, cos you don't meet many people underground do ya!!!

Pat
Yes, I think we're all sorted now, so we won't be multi quoting anymore, we're just going to let it roll and bold out people's names with what we want to say. Oh I do like it when everyfink's all sorted out and running smoothly! I bet Dave wishes that car he's working on was doing that too, but sadly, I've just rung him and there are now two of them stuck under the bonnet trying to sort it out. Allegedly, it was something Dave "did" to it that's caused this, and that's unheard of for Dave, he must really be losing his marbles now to have made a mistake at work on somebody's expensive car Let's hope he can sort it, or it'll cost him Time he gave it up, time he gave everything up really, he needs a long rest, I've overworked him this past year on this house.