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Location: Lincolnshire
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 9,001
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07-10-2011, 08:39 AM
It's gonna be your responsibility to keep Jasper safe. Your husband won't change overnight so if you do keep Jasper, you have to have contingency plans in place to be able to remove him to a place of safety until your husband calms down.
The same level of care and protection should be given to this guy as you would for a new baby entering the scene.
Good luck to you all. I really hope your partner gets the help he needs and that you can work it out
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Location: Cheltenham, UK.
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,887
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07-10-2011, 09:24 AM
I dont accept violence on any level.
I get cross when the bf 'grrs' at himself for messing something up!!!
Whatever you choose, you need to choose soon before the damage on Jasper is irreprable........
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Location: birmingham, uk
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 67
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07-10-2011, 10:02 AM
in the past i have woked as a vet nurse and have worked with womens aid, your story has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. jasper needs to be rehomed asap, i'm sorry to say it but i've seen puppies that have got in the way of someones temper, throw to the floor and ended up with broken limbs, or like my dog, scared of possible violence towards her to the point that she'd decide to get in with a bite first before someone could hurt or terrify her again.
what would concern me more is that your partner has already realised that he can control you through jasper. i've seen women with horrific injuries , childrern traumatised for life and animals suffer, all because the violent partner will use threats such as 'if you leave, i'll kill the dog'. you are already in a situation where you have taken all the 'blame' for jasper accidents and misdemeanours...shelters for families escaping abuse rarely accept pets, adding another level of trauma women for people trying to escape a violent partner.
i've included a report from the npscc aimed at child protection workers and members of the veterinary services about understanding the links between animal and human abuse, i suggest you read it.
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/publi...s_wdf48177.pdf
many violent men will have a history of animal abuse before going on to extend that abuse to partners and other family members.
0808 2000 247 womens aid free 24 hour information line.
please seek help for yourself and little jasper, before it's too late.
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Location: B'ham (nr the airport)
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,963
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07-10-2011, 11:27 AM
Originally Posted by atf59 
Thank you all for great advice and for being concerned. First I think I need to clarify something, when I say my husband gives puppy a beating, I don't mean that he starts kicking him around. Maybe it was my bad for using the term 'beating'. What he does is go towards him with anger, pin him down while he is saying loudly and with a lot of anger "No Jasper… Don't potty here… do you understand?…. don't potty here…." or he pulls the skin behind J's neck and makes him scream…. and then after maybe 30 seconds he lets him go… but continues on the verbal punishment. Sometimes Jasper goes to another room or kitchen and my husband follows him and continues on talking loudly with him. I know this is not normal thats why I am posting here. I don't think he is ever gonna hurt Jasper physically, but he can hurt him emotionally and psychologically if he continues. He usually does this because he thinks that I am too soft with J and that J is never gonna learn not to pee in the house if it is up to me. This is his way of training/punishment for wrong action in his own mind.
Before we got married, he was the only child with a mother who is just way toooo affectionate and then we got married and for 8 years it has been only me and him. So you guys are right if you think he is spoiled. And yes I am really concerned about whether we could ever have a child or not. He has simply never experienced having to share love and attention with anything/anyone else. But at the same time, besides how he is towards Jasper, he is extremely gentle, he respects me A LOT, he has been supportive of me in anything I have always wanted to do, and has never ever shown any signs of aggression towards me. In fact we never ever had a serious fight before we had Jasper.
Zoe1969 and Whichpets, thank you specifically for great advice. I spoke with my sister and asked her to keep J for a while until we can clear our heads and get things sorted out. I am gonna move out and stay at my brother's for a week or two. This will give both of us a chance to realize what we mean to each other and also help him see if he REALLY wants Jasper gone. Because I know deep down he likes J too. After two weeks I am gonna sit down with him and sort things out and give him book on dog training and behaviour and ask him to read it. I also want to divide the responsibilities of Jasper between the two of us. I think it was a mistake on my part to take all responsibility. I wanted to avoid any possible frustration or anger or fight. but that was wrong, because by doing that, J is almost fully attached to me directs all his cute beautiful affection towards me. I think if I give part of responsibilities to my husband, it is gonna help him and J to bond with each other and then he might realize what a sweet little friend Jasper can be.
I am also gonna definitely buy a play pen so that my husband and I can have our own uninterrupted quality time some time.
I really hope we can sort things out.
Jasper deserves better and needs the respect and love from you to do what's right by him - first and foremost.
Originally Posted by atf59
He says he is doing that so he learns but his anger seems out of control in that moment. So many times he hates himself for doing that afterwards and goes to the puppy and pets him and kisses him. He himself is even surprised by his own anger and has talked about it with his doctor. He is going to see a behavioural specialist in a month.
I'm pleased to hear he's going to get help adn I think you should go with him for support. But please be aware that this man is well ont eh way to full domestic abuse if he hasn't already put you in that situation. I speak from experience as do a few others here.
My ex woulld happily abuse me but tbh if he'd so much as looked at Jaikei the wrong way, he'd have had somethign blunt and heavy embedded in his skull whilst he slept.
I did the right thing for myself and my Son at the time. I took my dog and left the pig. I've never looked back.
I hope it works out for you. But in my experience, men who bully animals, children, women etc do not change.
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Location: God's Own County
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,584
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07-10-2011, 11:30 AM
Originally Posted by atf59
....... First I think I need to clarify something, when I say my husband gives puppy a beating, I don't mean that he starts kicking him around. Maybe it was my bad for using the term 'beating'. What he does is go towards him with anger, pin him down while he is saying loudly and with a lot of anger "No Jasper… Don't potty here… do you understand?…. don't potty here…." or he pulls the skin behind J's neck and makes him scream…. and then after maybe 30 seconds he lets him go… but continues on the verbal punishment. Sometimes Jasper goes to another room or kitchen and my husband follows him and continues on talking loudly with him.................................
Jeez where do I start ?
Firstly is your puppy a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel or a King Charles Spaniel
The two are totally different breeds.
If your puppy is a Cavalier then grabbing the skin at the back of the neck of your puppy could cause him permament damage if he has Syringomyelia or the Chiari Malformation-even if your puppies parents are screened clear of these two conditions it doesn't mean he won't have either or both & if you research these conditions you will see why it is dangerous to do what your husband is doing.
The pinning down & shouting is also a no no for any puppy or dog, it doesn't happen between dogs no matter what they do to each other. As for House training you have to make sure your puppy goes out every couple of hours, after he wakes up, after meals & whenever he looks like he may be wanting to toilet.
If you don't want him to disturb you during your meals, get him a puppy crate/pen & pop him in it with a chew toy, treat ball, chew etc etc
TBH if I had bred your puppy I would want it back PDQ, no animal let alone a vunerable puppy should be subject to such treatment
I don't have any children, but I would be concerned what he would be like with a child if he treats an innocent puppy the way he does
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Location: North-East Birmingham, UK
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,122
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07-10-2011, 01:12 PM
Originally Posted by atf59
So many times he hates himself for doing that afterwards and goes to the puppy and pets him and kisses him. He himself is even surprised by his own anger and has talked about it with his doctor. He is going to see a behavioural specialist in a month.
I understand that your partner comes first - you have invested 8 years of your life with him and must love him dearly so you're bound to want to stay with him and work this through. However, that really means that you need to take J back to the breeder and let him go to a safe home.
Your husband is getting help and that's great but two weeks is not long enough for your husband to make a significant and complete recovery and introducing J back into the house while your OH is still working through his issues may cause even more problems.
How will you feel if you take J back home and your husband causes some serious physical damage to him? Perhaps even kills him? Pups, especially little breeds like CKCs are fragile. It might only take one kick from your husband or for him to push down on J's neck when he pins him for him to kill J. Do you really want to take that chance? Would it not be much kinder to let your sister keep J or to take him back to his breeder while you work through your husband's issues?
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Location: Somewhere
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 18,088
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07-10-2011, 01:19 PM
Originally Posted by partypooch;2366709...[snip
...i've included a report from the npscc aimed at child protection workers and members of the veterinary services about understanding the links between animal and human abuse, i suggest you read it.
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/publi...s_wdf48177.pdf
many violent men will have a history of animal abuse before going on to extend that abuse to partners and other family members.
0808 2000 247 womens aid free 24 hour information line.
please seek help for yourself and little jasper, before it's too late.
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Location: UK
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 5,551
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07-10-2011, 03:03 PM
My instinct is to say get Jasper out permanantly. I suspect that your husband's issues are about cleanliness, or control, or something that may take a while to sort out - meanwhile, what about the pup?
What your husband does is over the top and whether or not he feels upset afterwards won't help if he does scare Jasper (which I suspect he has done already). Jasper needs love, kindness and good training to grow into a good dog - pups DO poo and mess, they chew and cause chaos at times (like children do). He can't expect the pup to "learn" because the pup is like a child in nappies, surelyu he would not hurt a child because it toileted in its nappy? as it is the same thing in a way
Also pups take time to physically be able to control their bladder/bowels, this doesn't happen straight away. Punishment may mean Jasper starts to toilet away from humans, so that he is too scared to go in the garden if you are there, but instead toilets behind the sofa when he thinkgs he cannot be seen!
So your husband is likelymaking things much much worse.
I think if you intend to stay with your husband, you need to work out these issues with Jasper away from the home, ideally for his sake, rehomed.
I would be concerned about the way your husband is behaving - he sounds to me as if he could become extremely controlling and it may be that this has started to show his true colours...
best wishes, take care and good luck,
Wys
xx
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Location: Stalybridge, Cheshire
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,159
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07-10-2011, 05:05 PM
If a grown man can hurt a small, loving puppy at the most important time in Jaspers life, then I am afraid that he will never have any respect for any life.
I would certainly be getting rid of the animal who physically abuses my puppy.
Your pup needs safety, love and understanding. I would be feeling guilty at arguing and fighting with my dogs in the room. This is a certainty to make them feel insecure.
Good Luck and Best Wishes
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