Thanks all for your input much appreciated.

Becky I am so glad you have commented. Mums take is they asked her how old she was this year which she told them. They then asked when her birthday was and she said she was not telling as she knew they were up to something (not nasty). So the daughter of the woman who owns the agency said never mind I can find out went back too the office and said she had looked it up and her and her mum wanted too take her out on her birthday.

Mum should know that Gill and I would of been planning something and could of said she did not know if anything was being planned but her birthday. Her birthday is not till May so any surprise would not of been mentioned yet, there is also the chance my brother may of wanted too take her home too Norfolk.

Gill and I are as upset with mum she could of said too them she had better check with us first. On the other hand they know she has 4 children and they know Gill and I well enough to know that we would of probably had something planned. Surely common courtesy would of made them ring and check with me first.

I am going to give it a few days and then give them a ring and speak too them in a nice calm manner and explain that we had something planned and were surprised they hadn't checked as it is such a special birthday. We may then get too know if mum had given them the impression we were not likely to do anything. Although even if given this impression we still feel they should of checked the family had nothing planned knowing surely if anything we were likely to of been laying on a surprise which this was meant too be.

A few months back this daughter of the lady who owns the agency took mum out with her young son to Romford. Mum treated them too lunch in a pub she was off duty that day. We didn't mind but Gill and I are now getting a little concerned about their intimacy with her.

I can definately see where you are coming from and don't think you are over reacting, I think Becky and the others are right, caring for the elderly is a rewarding job and you can get close to your clients and it is a nice gesture they are doing, but as you have contact with the carers I would have thought they would run it by you before they made plans, and it is a questionable act (again as Becky said). Is there any chance you can ring the carers and tell them of your plans without upsetting them too much? I would be doing so as you said, its your mum and you planned on doing something for her and I would be keeping it that way.
Good plan

I will be ringing them too say we were a little upset they didn't check first with us and that we had something planned as a surprise.

The thing that got me was when mum said well you can have the day either side well I went off on one a bit and said no we are your children and the carers could have the day either side and you could sort that out.

We don't mind if they want too take mum out and do something for her birthday but surely they would of had the common sense and decency to check with us.

It seems talking too mum today she isn't going too say to them that she will have to re- arrange as after mentioning to us about them taking her out we have now said we have been planning to take her out since the summer Gill was about to arrange to have a cake made for her to be presented at the restaurant.

Gill and I are so upset now that we are going to leave it. If that is mums choice so be it.

I know mum is becoming awkward about life but this takes the biscuit and knowing how ill Gill has been and the fact we thought we might lose her 18 months ago is really a bit beyond a joke that she is putting her second.

That really is unprofessional of them. They should have checked with you and your family first that's for sure. I think you should tell them that you have something planned but they're welcome to take her out any other day. It was probably meant as a nice gesture so maybe thank them for the fact that they care.
I have to say that it is a bit odd though given that your mum does have family

It is nice they care. We are going to leave it now mum has made her choice I will not override that choice. But I will ring them and say I am surprised they did not think too check first with us. Nicely and calmly though.

I know it is hard but try not taking it too personally I dont think they had any intent to upset anyone, and who knows what your mum said to they, I know my grandmother had a 70th and 80th organised for her and good lordy did it end up with someone in tears and someones feelings were hurt and people got carried away, I dont know what your mum is like but my grandma loves a bit of controversy, if no one visits her she gets upset and when they do she gets annoyed no winning in some cases but she does love a bit of drama.
About a year ago she ended up in hospital and none of us were sure she would be coming back home and still that ended up being a drama, between family, friends and the hospital. No one decided to tell the hospital she had early signs of dementia and so when she was getting confused at night they had no clue as to why until I talked to one of the staff and expressed I wanted her assessed and then my mum thought I was trying to get her put into a nursing home and tried for a few weeks to explain what it was about (to little avail) until they actually did assess her and my mum could talk to them and found out what it was actually about
I guess what I am trying to say is that is can get complicated at times and things dont go as planned but if communication gets broken it can make it all harder.

Lynn, for a start her birthdate has to be on her care plan, called a service user plan in the National Minimum Standards, in her house..... which is there to tell the carers what to do, but also in case of emergencies as you give the date of birth to paramedics etcs so I am a little concerned they had to find it out from the office.
Presumably she has a Service User Plan in her house. She should also have a User Guide to the agency. Ours is a large booklet, which contains our standards, registartion form, insurance, useful telephone numbers, copy of contract etc.
She should also have a Manual Handling Plan in her house... even if she isn't hoisted etc, all service users have those.... they are what is produced from her Risk Assessment (I am a qualified Risk Assessor).

Secondly, the lady who owns the agency would presumably be it's registered manager and in which case should know the guidelines about these sort of things.

National Minimum Standards state:

6.5 Care workers are only changed for legitimate reasons.... one of which is 'a non-professional relationship has developed between the service user and the care worker..... ie that's a no no.

The section on careplans, or service user plans is in section 7.

Here's the link to the National Minimum Standards..... which I have to know inside out..... http://www.dh.gov.uk/dr_consum_dh/gr...dh_4018671.pdf

CQC is the government body that regulates all care.... http://www.cqc.org.uk/usingcareservices.cfm

I have had very close relationships with a few of my clients, but you do not cross the barrier. I have taken photos in, etc. My closest was my Nellie, my little Belgian lady. She pestered and pestered to take me out for lunch, but I knew it was wrong. She gave me the odd chocolate and she did amazing emroidery and she gave me a piece for my dressing table and a Belgian lace framed duck which is in my bedroom. The furthest I ever took her was when giving her a lift home from the Agency's Xmas party, which we all did, I took her the long way home to see all the Christmas lights.

Like I said, I could tell you loads of cases where, for all the good intentions, carers getting too involved with their clients all goes tits up eventually..... and if you are getting concerned it is wrong as ALL members of a clients family need to feel comfortable with ALL that is going on. It's the whole ethos of what care is, we support, not take over.
I would also say that a lot have mentioned they are surprised this has happened as they would know your Mum has family, but to be honest it would be even worse if she didn't as then you have an even more vulnerable person being treated 'unprofessionally' by their carers. Yes, take a birthday cake INTO her when she has a visit, we send all our clients birthday cards, but there is a mark that is so easily over-stepped.

Lynn you must be very disappointed, how ever well intentioned I can't believe the carers didn't check with the family first, you may have already gone to a lot of trouble planning things.

Can you take your Mother out before her birthday, that way it will be more like the real thing than after the event.

I hope you all have a lovely day whatever you decide to do .

Thankyou all good advice as usual.

Emrad mum can get quite a kick sometimes out of playing one off against the other so we are not entirely blaming the carers.

Becky she has a book they write down what they have done on their visit and date and time it and I think there is a plastic wallet in the house also with the details you mention on relevant documents.

Mini at the moment Gill and I are smarting a bit and being silly probably but are going to wait to see what we do for her birthday now we cannot think about it at the moment we are a tad cross.

Have been speaking to Gorden and decided I will ring them and ask nicely if it is definitely her birthday they are taking her out on and see what they say it is quite possible mum has it confused thats why we don't want too go in all guns blazing. But I feel I need to speak too them about it and make sure what she is saying is correct and if it is point out it would of been courteous of them to of rang me first too check we could of had a hall booked luckily we didn't, but we had started too make plans too take her out for a nice meal and get all the family involved. If it is correct unless mum says too them she needs too change it we shall let it ride and she will spend her birthday with them. Gill and I will have to re think we are both hurting a lot at the moment and can make no decisions just yet.

Thank you all for your advice and comfort at least I now know we are not over reacting feeling the way we do, it does in some ways feel a bit childish feeling this way about it all any other birthday wouldn't of worried us nearly as much.

Lynn, just a thought, which will be cleared up after you speak to them, but is it possible that your mum has "elaborated" the story to find out if you are indeed planning something for her? I sonm't mean this in any way to sound nasty, its just with you saying she likes to play folk off against each other. I know my dear grandpa does it like at Christmas I asked him what he was doing for the Christmas day and he shrugged his shoulder and said well noones asked me so I'll just have fray Bentos...and he was serious!! But he knows fine well that my mum and her brother would be sorting out who would have him over at Christmas and who would have him at new Year but he says to me och no they are too busy....what are you doing!! LOL now if I had said come to mine I would have been so unpopular!! LOL

So maybe your mum is just doing the "subtle" - Its my 90th don't you know and nobody cares!!!

But despite that I do agree with Becky that carers shouldn't be taking your mum out for a bar lunch and certainly not your mum taking them out!!