When Rocky died it was one of the worst moments of my life. I can't say it was the worst day, because for the bulk of it he was still here, and we spent most of it together on the bed ...and I cherished every minute, even if it was sad and tearful, knowing what was to come.
I cried non-stop for four or five days, from the moment I got up to the moment I fell asleep, and then I think my eyes dried out
only crying when physically possible. The nights have been the worst, as you get a moment to yourself and think. I miss kissing his velvety soft ears good night, and giving him a hug before going to sleep
.
After the initial shock, I spent the rest of the first 2 weeks almost frantically looking for another 'little Rocky', the hole was just too big and I just wanted him back at all costs - even a dog half as much like him would have been better than nothing, than not having him at all. I even looked at cloning - but the hair I got the nurse to clip wasn't enough (they need live skin cells - although I doubt we could afford the 100k bill!) I think if Presa's weren't on the exclusion list for so many insurance companies I probably would have gone out and got a puppy in a flash. It would have felt like an extension to Rocky (as they'd undoubtedly share breed traits) and it would have felt almost like it was
his baby. I even searched for breeds that were like Presa's but maybe a little smaller, and even looked at every single dog on every single dog rescue site - but of course there's never another dog quite like the one you've lost, or even close enough. It's not just the looks, or size, or breed, but it's the personality and all the little things - and so it began to sink in, that he's gone, and that I'll never find another like him. Which is a sad, sombre realisation.
Guilt - I keep thinking I let him down with his diet (the one he was on for most of his life). Even though he was on an all natural food (Pascoes), that didn't contain artificial colours, preservatives of flavours - but it did have grains. In fairness tho, I did try all the top brands when we got him and the Pascoes was the only food that didn't give him runny pooes, which probably explains why I didn't want to rock the boat and experiment with other foods later... plus I only really learned about the negative effects of grains until a couple of years ago - when I started to look into it for my own health. But still, you can't help feeling guilty, no matter how hard you tried or thoughtful you might have been - it just doesn't seem 'enough'.
I also think I worried too much. About his joints (he had a steel plate put in his knee when he was one and a half and the vet told us to be careful as the others were prone to go) and about his size/dominance/breed-type - so both those had an impact on where we walked (we avoided 'parks') and where he was allowed in the house (the top floor/bedrooms were out of bounds - being a 3 storey house) and not being able to do things like biking or running (tried it once but he started to limp the next day), and I was very cautious with him around other dogs - being a bull breed, had he got into a fight (that another untrained dog might have started) the finger of blame would have almost certainly gone on him, even if it wasn't his fault. He was actually brilliant with dogs, only reciprocating if they started on him first.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that feeling guilt, is (or is meant to be, according to that Dog's Trust advice sheet) natural. And while we can't turn back the clock and do things differently, we can bear it in mind if we ever get another.
But would I get another dog? Probably not, least not for a long time - perhaps if I'm ever a millionaire (which is unlikely!) where I can afford organic (fresh) food for the dog, have a bungalow without stairs and plenty of land/a forest (where we don't have to worry about ill-behaved/un trained dogs and idiot owners!) then maybe. Besides that, what if I don't love the other dog? What if it doesn't love me? When I think about it, I actually don't want another dog - I just want Rocky, or another Rocky. He was perfect in almost every way. Sure he was incredibly strong (perhaps a bit too much!) and intolerant of dogs trying to dominate him - but his personality, the way he was the things he did, how much he loved me, followed me around everywhere, was just perfect. And I miss him so much. I'm sure most people would feel the same about their dogs too, they mean so much to us, they capture our hearts, don't they.
Rocky's ashes were on my cupboard to begin with, looking down on me (and away from naughty Cheetah!) but I was just feeling terribly sad one night and couldn't sleep, so moved his ashes onto the headboard... and felt much better and fell fast asleep. I can just imagine people thinking I'm a loon - but I don't care, his favourite place in the whole world was on my bed - and that's where he is now and I think always will be.
Cheetah has been helping a lot, she's keeping his space warm on the bed and has started following me around everywhere (like she used to). She didn't come up here much when Rocky was around (I think he used to get jealous of her and purposely step on her, lol. (omg I lol'd!)) But I'm grateful she's there as I'm giving her lots of hugs when I miss Rocky.
I think my experience seems to echo many of yours. You go through different stages; devastation, numbness, sadness, and then later fondness - by remembering all the good times. I'm not quite there yet myself, but I'm sure I'll get there in the end.