No offence, huh ladies?

"Why did God create women? Because a beer can't cook supper!"
- Women "bashing"


Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a
little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong
house.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
apart.

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain
and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the
boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

How are women like laxatives? Because they irritate the crap out of you.

Why did God make man first? Because he didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "harass"
is two words.

My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture!

My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum
cleaner!

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"

A Husband is a man who:
-gave up privileges he never knew he had.
-is spouse-broken.
-lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.
-made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.

A Wife is a woman who:
-can dish it out but can't cook it.
-dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
-has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.
-is a dish-jockey.
-is a husband's bitter half.
-sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have
had if he hadn't married her in the first place.

Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all
gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your
things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I
pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Feminists--first they burn their bra and then they want support!

Husband: Put you coat on love im going to the bar.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband: Don't be silly woman, im turning the heat off...

Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages
womento leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft,
destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat Robertson

Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

Husband--One who has several small mouths to feed and one big mouth to listen to.

Wife--A slave who demands to be set on a throne. --Balzak 1799-1850

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt
her.

In any arguement with her he always gives in. What's the use? It's just
his word against thousands of hers!

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why did the woman have two black eyes? She had to be told twice.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Did you hear about the new all-woman delivery company. It's called UPMS. They deliver your package when they darn well feel like it!

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's
wrong?" she asked. "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said. "Yes", she responded "So what". "I would have gotten out of prison today", he sobbed.

How can you tell if a woman is happy? Who cares?

How are women like paper cups? Both are disposable.

Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

My wife ran off with my best friend..I sure do miss him!

What do you call an intelligent woman in Britain? A tourist.

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windscreen in front of her face.

Adam to Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her
sleep!

What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow.

In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I
was such a fool when I married you." Retorts her husband: "That's so
true. But I was in love and didn't notice."

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my
pockets!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes,
and an apple pie for dessert?" Husband: "No thanks, I'm too tired. Let's
just eat at home."

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Don't be sexist. Birds hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How is marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it, it's not so
hot.

Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"

What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat? A divorcee!!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Did you here about the guy who finally figured out women? He died
laughing before he could tell anybody!

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are
present.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what
she's told!

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Slap that woman!!

In everything but brains and braun, women are vastly superior to men.

Feminists are o.k., I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one!

Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's awake.

Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a lightbuld? Because it does, alright!?!?

"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaved, smart, and rich," the
bachelor said. "O, well, then you'll have to get married 4 times",
replied his friend.

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth
time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Why is spousal abuse so high in Britain? (Start punching your fist into
your other hand) Because they just don't listen!!!

A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The next day he
received 100 responses. They all said the same thing. "You can have
mine."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Why did God create women? Because a beer can't cook supper!

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
What's a mans idea of helping with housework? Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.

How do you keep a woman from wanting sex? Marry her.

brill Fred

learning from you

:smt023 :smt023 :smt023

Very good
Rob you're a bad influence :smt018

Somebody is treading on thin ice!!
Dawn.

Superb. Couldn't stop laughing all the time I was washing up

i liked that 1. very funny