Friendship dilemma!

I may have posted about this friend before, but it will have been ages ago. Lets call her Marie.

I met Marie a few years ago when she moved her horse to the same yard mine was at. We became firm friends, had stables side by side, and I was often her designated driver, as she didn't drive. We spent a lot of time together away from the stables, and for six months, we virtually lived in each other's pockets. She was like the sister I never had.

She had a nasty riding accident around two years ago and badly broke her arm. I spent most of the winter, with my parents help, looking after her horse and ferrying her up to the yard to see him when she was able, and socialising with her at home when she wasn't feeling up to it. She allowed me to ride her horse, as my own horse was off with a bad back, and we even made plans to take each other's horses to the spring shows together. She was there for me when my marriage fell apart. In the new year 2007, she was back in the saddle and we began riding out together again.

In the April, I went to Essex for a long weekend for a friend's birthday. While I was away, she had another accident and broke her other arm. I came home to find that she had shipped her horse off for "re-schooling", because the vet and physio agreed that it seemed like two fluke accidents and physically there was nothing wrong with him. Her horse was lovely tempered, never bucked in excitement, and the physio even suggested he may have been stung by a flying pest while they were out hacking. I saw less and less of her during this period, but we got together every week or so for coffee and a gossip. I went away for a long weekend with my family at the end of the month, and when I came home, she had sold him. I was devastated that she hadn't wanted to talk to me about such a serious decision, and even more so that she seemed to have arranged it for when I wasn't around, so I couldn't even be there to support her when he left or help her clear out her stuff. Afterwards, I told myself that she probably wanted to be alone and that I shouldn't take it personally, but it felt like the first nail in the coffin - that although she had always asked my opinion and talked things through with me, this time she didn't even mention it and deliberately kept it a secret from me until afterwards.

We got together a few days later and cleared the air, but things went from bad to worse and I started thinking she was dodging my texts and phonecalls. We would make plans to get together and go for coffee, or take the dogs to the beach, or she would arrange to come to the stables with me, only for her to cancel at the last minute (literally half an hour beforehand). Funnily enough, whenever she needed me to drive her somewhere, she kept to our plans, but otherwise I haven't seen her socially for almost six months. We occasionally bump into each other and she says things like "we'll have to catch up over coffee" or "why don't we do lunch?" but I could never pin her down. Eventually, the only contact I got was texts to tell me she was ill or had been ill and a text a few weeks back to say that she had come back from holiday (I didn't even know she was going). My replies to her messages never get a response. My OH felt I was better off not losing sleep over it, and I decided to give up and stop trying to get in touch with her, although if she ever approached me and wanted to get together, that was fine. My life still very much revolves horses, but she seems to be moving into other circles now, which is fine - people change, friendships change: it's how we grow. A few months ago, she began as a weekend volunteer at a RDA centre, to "get her horsey fix" and a few months back was talking about maybe buying another of her own in a year or two when she had saved up a bit.

I have heard today that the lady who owns the field I use is losing her loaner, and her lovely coloured cob is going to be advertised for loan again. My immediate thought was to mention it to Marie, and see if she might be interested. The horse is safe enough to help build her confidence after her accidents but isn't a "push button ride" either. But now I'm not so sure I don't know if my persistent attempts to get in touch with her are becoming pathetic, and I don't even know if she is still at the RDA centre or even remotely interested in horses at all. I don't know if she has maybe decided that she doesn't like me, or is just too busy.

What do I do? Do I phone and potentially make a prat out of myself, or do I just let it go?

My recation would be to let it go. I have a friendship like that at the moment. I often find that when the common demoninator changes the friendship crumbles. I suppose that is part of life's rich tapestry. Your real freinds will be there forever regardless.

I think I would leave it be as well....Having said that - I am not very good at taking my own advice

let it go.....

she sounds like she was using you sez

i had friends like that - used me then when i realised i naffed em off

(hugs)

xx

Oh, i had the same thing....were best friends for years, then slowly she began ignoring me. We arranged for me to stay one weekend, and yet, she was blatently in but wouldnt open the door.
I sent texts and e mails but she never replied. If i bumped into her she was nice enough but that was that, and we'd go our seperate ways.

In the end i decided enough is enough. I was fed up of pushing for something that she obviously didnt want.

I doubt i shall ever know why she no longer wanted to be my friend, but hey, her loss.

IMO just leave it now. You have tried and for whatever reason she isnt keen.

I would let it go too, this has also happened to me. Soemtimes it's best to let things go. It happened to me a couple of times with people I met when my son was small, as he (and their children) grew and grew apart...so did we and I have to admit I was really upset. But it happens, the best thing to do is think of whether you would have been friends with ehr ever, if you didn't have the horse as the common denominator, it it's a no, let her go.HUgs, it's not nice. x

Thanks, guys
That's pretty much what my boyfriend has been saying to me for the last six months, but I guess I still miss her, I suppose. I don't have many close friends up here (scratch that, I don't have many friends full stop ), and my best friend, who I've known since I was eleven, lives 250 miles away, so when I met Marie and we "clicked" it was nice having such a good friend again.
I'm not awful or anything but I have social anxiety, so I find meeting new people and making friends really difficult.

I think I'll just cut my losses and Amberella can be my best girl-friend

My gut instinct is to let it go. I had a friend similar to yours. We met through our dogs ( had Cassie then my Cocker) she had a Yorkshire Terrier with the same name. Anyway we became best friends she would be round my house all the time and we would do lots of things together. I was not married at this point and it came to New Years eve and she asked me to come out for a drink. My youngest son was old enough my this time to look after my disabled son.
So off we went to the local pub. Cut a long story short. She introduced me to my OH. We got married 12months later. Never saw her again. She just up'd and left. She didn't even come to the wedding!
I do get the odd e mail off her now and again now but have never met up with her since.
I firmly beleive that people come into your life for a reason. Wether it is for their benefit or yours. She was clearly there for me so that I would meet OH and once this had be accomplished she went. I call them friendship angels.

Perhaps you were meant to be there for her when she needed you. She clearly has got on with her life now and you helped her by being there for her when she needed the lifts and the tlc etc.
Move on someone will pop up for you when you need someone.

I agree with the others - let it go. You have made every effort to stay in touch and she has let you down. I think we have all had friendships like that in the past, and sometimes it is better to just walk away.

I agree with the others, I would be inclined to not bother.

When I became all all of my friends, literally all of them, disappeared. They just couldn't handle what was happening to me. One of them I am still in touch with.

But the way I see it is friendship is a two way street and if it turns out I am doing all the phoning, texting etc. then I just stop bothering.