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Jackie
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13-10-2011, 09:08 AM
Originally Posted by SLB View Post
I understand what you're saying and he's 6 years older than me - he's done all the partying and drinking and all that. I'm not stopping him, I've said he can get whatever car he wants when he can afford it properly - I've given him that choice - I'm not bothered about the car, it's just he doesn't seem to realise that he has a house and although we don't have a mortgage to pay, we still have rent (of which in laws use to pay the bills - so really we're just paying the bills) He doesn't pay for the car he has now except the things that don't cost as much.

yet you also say, when you learn to drive you will be getting a car, so what will change (finances) between then and now, if he cant afford to run a car now due to bills, how are you going to be able to.


His brother hates me anyway, rarely acknowledges that I'm there and when I talk to him I get blanked.. so it doesn't surprise me that that's the response I got.. He's borrowing the money off his brother to buy the car anyway - which means he cannot afford it.. which means as well as paying the insurance and everything on the car he'll be paying his brother back - meaning he'll have less money..


The same applies , If neither of you can afford to run a car, then how will be be able to buy and run one, if the problem is not being able to afford the extra finances, then that's what you should be tackling, not telling him he cant have a. or b, because you say so.


I don't see this as one of those relationships where one is the dictator - I see it as I'm the one being sensible here and he's the one being childish..

To be honest, from some of the replies from you above are far from a sensible approach, I hate to say this, but it gives of the impression of a immature teenager playing tit for tat games... you are going to go out and party becuase he has looked at other woman when you are out. he cant do this, but you can do that, you are going to tell him so on and so on.

I fully understand your concern about the finances, if he is borrowing money he cant afford to satisfy a whim, then that is a much bigger problem to worry over, and all the bickering over what he can and cant do is immaterial.

Even though he is older than you , he seems to still want to be able to do as he pleases, and it may be a far bigger issue for you both than arguing over a car.
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aerolor
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13-10-2011, 09:11 AM
He is only 25. I think you are going to have to let him get on with it SLB and get it out of his system - I am not sure if I would ask his mother to help persuade him out of it - he is her "baby boy". Can't you keep the Scenic, sit back, say nowt and wait see how things develop.
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youngstevie
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13-10-2011, 09:18 AM
Sorry hun but I think you need to let him get on with it, he'll soon realise honest, he's still a boy yet TBH doing what these boys want to do.

As for looking at other women there is nothing wrong IMO with that, there is always room to do abit of window shopping my hubby does every day when he driving the bus But I know Im lovely he won't find another me

If you try stopping him he will only do it/ do thing more and lie about it.........if you just say Oh! right dear they tend to start growing up...and thats very true

Its men and their toys, honest xxx we are so different to men, whats important to women isn't to men, and woman run a risk of becoming their mothers if we are not careful
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SLB
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13-10-2011, 09:20 AM
Originally Posted by Jackbox View Post
To be honest, from some of the replies from you above are far from a sensible approach, I hate to say this, but it gives of the impression of a immature teenager playing tit for tat games... you are going to go out and party becuase he has looked at other woman when you are out. he cant do this, but you can do that, you are going to tell him so on and so on.

I fully understand your concern about the finances, if he is borrowing money he cant afford to satisfy a whim, then that is a much bigger problem to worry over, and all the bickering over what he can and cant do is immaterial.

Even though he is older than you , he seems to still want to be able to do as he pleases, and it may be a far bigger issue for you both than arguing over a car.
I'm not going out because he looked at other women - if you read back I'm going out because he used the cliche - whilst he's still young.. well I'm 6 years younger.. Plus it's a hen night.
We haven't bickered at all - I've asked him how he thinks he can afford it.. but of course he can in his mind.


Originally Posted by aerolor View Post
He is only 25. I think you are going to have to let him get on with it SLB and get it out of his system - I am not sure if I would ask his mother to help persuade him out of it - he is her "baby boy". Can't you keep the Scenic, sit back, say nowt and wait see how things develop.
He's not allowed to keep the scenic, the moment he buys this idea of his, the scenic goes for sale/scrap.

I think I'll just do what Bailey does, let him have it.. let him rack up costs and refuse to go in it - I don't mind catching the bus everywhere, dogs get on free up here too so it doesn't bother me...
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TomtheLurcher
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13-10-2011, 09:25 AM
Aimee , Boys and their toys never goes away , you just need to accept and manage it ! Mine have motorbikes , son racing and OH with road bike having done his racing bit a few yrs ago , its in the blood, best to accept, I now see my sons GF thinking bikes are more important but she addresses it head on and supports him while he is young enough to do it successfully , go with it , it will sort itself out and then there will be another toy , Men Huh ! just make sure you get the balance and do the things you enjoy too , respect each other and what makes each of you happy and life will be tickety boo !
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krlyr
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13-10-2011, 09:28 AM
Get on moneysavingexpert and download the budget planner so he can see what money goes where.
I have to say that I agree that at the end of the day its his money and if he can afford it, its his choice. He does have a responsibility to pay rent etc. but it is probably tough on him to be paying for everything himself and maybe he just wants to spend some money on himself rather than it being on bills or food or something else "household"-y.
If he wants children then maybe you need to sit down and discuss the money and practicality side of things in regards to that but I wouldn't expect my OH to buy a car that suits my dogs - that's what my own car is for!
I think you're/he's actually in a great position to do this - you have low living costs because you're renting off family, you have no kids reliant on your money, and 26 IS still young. If there was a "best" time to make a mistake financially (if it does turn out to be a mistake), now is a good time for him to get it out of his system!

Approach it practically and be open minded. Don't say "you can't get the car because it's a silly idea", say "let's still down and work out the monthly running costs". Bear in mind things like the insurance - yes, it may "only" be £x but get him to check out the limitations and costs of cancelling it early, for example, if he was struggling to pay running costs. My brother bought a classic car, found a place to insure it at an OK price (for his age and the kind of car) but the downside was that when the car stopped working 6 months later and he had no money to fix it, the insurance company insisted on a couple of grand to leave the contract early! It ended up cheaper to pay the insurance monthly on a car my brother couldn't even use - which my mum ended up paying because his job situation changed. Remind him that the rules have changed in regards to declaring cars SORN now - even if they're off the road, you need insurance, so if the car he bought needed some work before it was roadworthy, he still needs to pay insurance (3rd party would do). If his family aren't using the Scenic but decide to keep it for a while, they'll have to pay insurance even if they declare it SORN. Lots of practical things to think about without just dismissing his idea.
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spockky boy
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13-10-2011, 09:35 AM
Originally Posted by Jackbox View Post
To be honest, from some of the replies from you above are far from a sensible approach, I hate to say this, but it gives of the impression of a immature teenager playing tit for tat games... you are going to go out and party becuase he has looked at other woman when you are out. he cant do this, but you can do that, you are going to tell him so on and so on.

I fully understand your concern about the finances, if he is borrowing money he cant afford to satisfy a whim, then that is a much bigger problem to worry over, and all the bickering over what he can and cant do is immaterial.

Even though he is older than you , he seems to still want to be able to do as he pleases, and it may be a far bigger issue for you both than arguing over a car.
I have to say, I agree with this comment. I was very much like this when I was a few years younger (between the age of 17-19)... and all it did was wreck my relationship.

I am 20 (21 in a few weeks ), OH is 21. If he wants my opinion I will give it, but at the end if the day it is his money to spend, and TBH he can spend it as he wants (providing we pay the bills!). May as well make mistakes and learn from them now, before we actually have to grow up!
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SLB
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13-10-2011, 09:35 AM
Originally Posted by youngstevie View Post
Sorry hun but I think you need to let him get on with it, he'll soon realise honest, he's still a boy yet TBH doing what these boys want to do.

As for looking at other women there is nothing wrong IMO with that, there is always room to do abit of window shopping my hubby does every day when he driving the bus But I know Im lovely he won't find another me

If you try stopping him he will only do it/ do thing more and lie about it.........if you just say Oh! right dear they tend to start growing up...and thats very true

Its men and their toys, honest xxx we are so different to men, whats important to women isn't to men, and woman run a risk of becoming their mothers if we are not careful
I know why I'm getting upset. We don't pay for half the stuff. We pay rent and it goes straight into the bills, he only really pays for the petrol in the Scenic, his Dad pays the insurance and everything. I've grown up have to save up for things I want, he's had it handed to him.. I think thats the difference. My parents can't afford to bail me out when I get too deep, his parents and his brother can if he gets in too far.. And it's not even a "we "pay it's a "he" because I can't find work and the job centre isn't giving me any allowance - even though I'm looking.. I need to talk to him about all this - again.. but I won't see him for 3 weeks and can't speak to him over the phone about it.. I think I'll just leave it.. I'm fighting a losing battle and at the end of it I'll probably be able to say "I told you so" which tbh thats the best part isn't it..
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Baileys Blind
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13-10-2011, 09:44 AM
I agree, as much as you don't want to let him go with it!! My OH has mentioned a few times that he's thinking of getting rid of the VX - I'm Woohoooing inside but I just say it's up to honey, it's your car !!!

When the oportunity arises I add an 'well we could've gone in the VX but . . . . it's raining / it'll cost too much in fuel, can't fit everyone in etc etc and these little hints are slowly being processed in his head

It's working though, he's slowly coming round to the idea - and he will get rid of it eventually but on his own terms then I can't ever be made to feel guilty for 'making' him do it! Not that I think he'd ever say that but it's always a better idea of it comes from him obviously

He even mentioned trading it in with his 'normal' car the other day maybe for something a bit more practical but still a bit 'flashy' he's liking the Celica, BMW M3 etc at mo and tbh we do need a decent car for taking kids out, going places as my car's a Berlingo - or should I say a kennel on wheels

It won't be long and I'll have my way but he'll think it's his idea and be happy
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Rubster
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13-10-2011, 09:52 AM
The way we are in this house is bills first, pleasures second. He doesn't stop me buying stuff, I don't stop him.
Thing is I rarely buy anything as I prefer to have my animals & buy stuff for them instead.
If I do see something that I want he will often surprise me by buying it without me knowing, as he knows I keep every penny for the animals. Obviously thats changed now as am not working so he is footing the bills for more or less everything. But thats how it works in a relationship, give & take xx
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