Not is so many words, but the fact you told her

Will be enough (in her condition) for her to think, you are telling her she is wrong and she should not have the tests .

Both of you have a right to your opinion and decision - you each have to do whatever suits you and your respective circumstances. I am guessing that she feels that she could not cope with a Downs child and would be worried about what might happen to that child in the future when she is no longer around - e.g. the Downs adult might end up in a home with no family to take care of him/her. Yet, even so, she probably feels upset about the whole thing - it is not an easy decision to make, nor is the option of possible abortion if there is something wrong, so she probably felt judged.

The risk of miscarriage is around 1 in 100 for amnio and CVS.

ETA: you've said in your post that you felt disgusted with her - perhaps this came through in your tone of voice or something?

I have to say from my own perspective, with this being my first child on the way, i was terrified about the 16 week blood test.

Your whole thoughts are with hoping everything is fine and trying to "brainwash" yourself that all will be well.

To then have a nurse ask you if youwant the tests and what the results could mean, for me had me on the verge of tears. I have seen many families with downs syndrome child, and i know there is sooo much support out there, but my husband and i decided that if the tests came out high risk etc we wouldnt continue with the pregnancy. Which, the thought of that in itself was devastating.

So, in light of this, to be told that in her frined's opinion, there is no reason not too (not your exact words i know, but its how it came a cross to me) would be extremely upsetting as she would want your suport and backing no matter if you agreed with her or not.

Maybe a little more tact would be good, but this shouldnt stop you from giving your opinion if asked!

Alex
xx

HI

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and everyone makes different choices.
I had the test with both my babies, as I KNOW I wouldnt choose to bring up a disabled child. Thats because my little brother is severely disabled, since birth, he has cerebal palsy, mentally and physically handicapped, epilepsy, no ability to stand, hold himself upright, feed himself, talk, doubly incontinent.

I love him, but at the same time growing up I resented him, my mum had severe PND after he was born, and myself and older brother were left to our own devices for quite a while, we always had to live our life round my little brothers needs, limited holidays etc. Explaining to friends etc.

Would he choose to be this way ? Of course he wouldnt, he has no quality of life, he cannot communicate, and he needs 24/7 care. Once my mum and dad are gone that will fall on our shoulders.

Its not just the responsibility of the parents, its the whole family it affects.

Its not a simple black or white answer.

My friend whilst pregnant refused the test for the same reasons that it wouldnt make a difference to her. Her wee boy is lovely and perfectly healthy.

My other friend refused the test and her son was born with Downs about 6 months ago, I still have the same opinion, that IF I had the wrong result, I would seriously consider my options as for me I wouldnt choose that for my child, my current child and my family.

HOwever I would not be offernded by someone elses point of view, everyone has a choice.

Lucky star, you hit it on the head! I've spoken to my friend tonight and apparently it came out in my tone, i gasped and went silent when she said it

Everything's ok now. She IS hormonal, she told me she cried when she went to vote, something to do with the whole country in unity bless her (how ironic LOL) xx

It's been interesting reading everyones experiences, having never even been through it myself. My sister was born deaf, and although this is a very mild disability my family were able to turn the whole thing round into a very positive light and it was never any problem growing up for either of us. I still socialise in circles of deaf people, my entire family sign fluently to ensure 100% communication with my sister, as will my kids

My friend has a child who has downs, Rowena is the most beautiful and happiest child, inside and out and always wants to help others We, as her friends and her family have rallied round her and all take her an evening a fortnight to give sarah time out with her perfect hubby..

Sorry, off topic there. Thanks everyone xxx

I think that these tests are often misunderstood. They do not tell you whether you are carrying a disabled child. they give you a precentage risk of whether you might be carrying a Downes child. A high risk answer would then lead to a decision on an amnio which does carry a risk of miscarriage. 15 years ago my health authority had abandoned these tests as they were felt to be inaccurate. It was far more informative to have a more detailed scan and examine the neuchal fold of skin at the base of the neck.

I have had three children and never had a single test. That was my decision......and had three healthy kids.

My SIL had all the tests and my neice is very disabled.Her disabilities are from a rare syndrome and cerebral palsy neither of which would have shown up in the tests.

I can understabnd your friends reaction but completely also your viewpoint.Having sat across from a consultant who was telling me I might never have children.......I was determined to love and raise whichever soul was sent to me.

That is a really good post

There are private clinics that offer scans to detect such problems, lengthy, detailed scans like you say. I was looking into a local clinic the other night. I didn't dare mention this to my friend just yet lol but I might do soon, hearing how inaccurate the tests are AND carrying a risk of miscarriage?!

I'm really pleased that you've sorted things out with your friend.

Just to clarify a point - the amnio and CVS look at chromosomes and are pretty accurate. The CVS, for instance, is a diagnostic test, Chorionic Villus Sampling - it is invasive; samples are taken from the placenta - this contains tissue which contains the same genetic make up to that of the baby -and analysed for, say, the extra chromosome which goes to make up Down syndrome. This carries a miscarriage risk.

The nuchal translucency scan is just a scan and measurement, which doesn't risk miscarriage. It isn't that accurate and some people who come out as high risk will go on to have a healthy baby whereas some who come out as low risk will not have a healthy baby. The measurements are usually used with the blood test results to try to ascertain the risk. If it comes out as high risk, a more invasive test, such as the amnio, may be offered.

Glad u have sorted it with your friend - I can see why she got upset but I think u should also be allowed to express your opinion! And if u can't be honest with ur close friends who can u be honest with hey??

My half brother (12) has Down's syndrome and he has the same quality of life as my other half brother who is 11 (they are now in long term foster care, long story and would be off-topic) and although I love him to bits and wouldn't change him for the world he is very hard work - me and my sis have them both every Saturday!

I think if a person doesn't feel able to cope with a disabled child then that is there choice, however I don't believe all these tests can determine how the child's quality of life would be! - Just whether they may be likely to have a disability and not the severity of the disability! (correct me if I am wrong) when my brother was born the docs said he is only approx 6months behind but as he got older it was evident he was more behind - though this was also due to his home life aswell as his disability - I think it all depends on how much u can provide etc for a child and every case is different - In the end it should be the parents choice!

I worked for 16 years with disabled kids and I have seen families torn apart and having to live the sort of lives you wouldn't wish on anyone.

There are many different scales of Downs syndrome----some people with the condition are able to cope very well others -----the ones I taught----had horrific problems.

No way would I judge or suggest to anyone what to do in that situation. Your friend needs your support, she is facing a possibility of loosing the normal baby she is looking forward to and either choosing to not have the baby or having to grieve for the child she thought she would be having.

Its a horrid situation to be in.

rune