Upbringing and parenting

Another thread has got me thinking (and before any of you smart Alec's say it, and I know who you are, yes it might be dangerous ).

Not everyone has had the 'perfect' childhood and I'm wondering just how much of that might affect the way you parent your own children in later life.

Have any of you found that a difficult upbringing, be it abuse, neglect, whatever, has an effect - either in a positive or negative way - on how you parent your own children? Has it made it easier for you as you know what NOT to do and to avoid as you know how you have felt or has it made it more difficult for you? Or you might have made the decision to not have children at all because of your upbringing?

Just curious, really!

office discussion on the topic yesterday and someone mentioned about Romanian orphans. they had watched a documentary about how an 'experiment' was carried out..

pre a particular regime it was apparently 'law' that romanian women had at least 5 children each. most could not afford to keep them hence vast volumes of children ending up in orphanages the children were kept isolated fed gruel from a bottle (whatever their age) with no interaction (some of you may recall the pictures of these poor mites in metal cots etc. the 'experiment'' was groups of these children were taken out of these orphanges and put into foster homes. some were taken at 6 months and some were taken between 6 & 12 months. those at 6 months suffered no ill effects socially/mentally and developed into well rounded individuals and those of upto 12 months did incredibly well albeit slightly less well than those of 6months of age. think all went to Uk homes.

prob not quite the same thing but i thought interesting nonetheless

i think a lot of things have to do with how you are brought up but should never be held as an excuse for bad behaviour as we are still keepers of our own destiny and have free will

i used to hang around with what could be considered to be a bad crowd but never got into the sorts of trouble they did

i dont hold with kids being excused of vandalism and that sort of things nased on they are bored and have nothing to do.... ive been bored out of my mind as a youth hanging about the streets but never felt the urge to go and set fire to a car or similar, ok we may have got shouted at occasionally due to 'kerby' marathons but thats about as far as it went

We often have discussions in work about this type of thing too!

Interesting, but also very sad, about the Romanians.

I totally agree with the rest of what you have said - if you're old enough to know better, there isn't really much of an excuse.

I, like you and many others, have been bored as a child and have never felt the need to terrorise neighbourhoods and cause endless amounts of violence! It's just an excuse that is used these days, I think, as there is probably more to do for the youngsters now than there ever was years ago.

An interesting subject Nicola
I had a strange childhood. My Mother died when I was 16 months old . My Father (one in a million) was left with three young children and a baby to bring up.
In those days there was very little support from the state and it was not possible for Dad to keep working and to raise all his children .
My brother and sisters were of school age so Dad could manage them . He was advised to put me in a childrens home and refused, instead I was passed around a number of relations and eventually went to my live with my Great Aunt and her family to whom I will always be grateful. I remained with them until I was 4 and old enough to go to school returning every holiday until I left home .
My new family were kind but it was not home. I can never remember being cuddled by anyone except my Dad and he wasn't there when I was small and needed him most . Travelling backwards and forwards between two families meant I never felt at home in either, always the outsider never belonging anywhere.

When I was 8 Dad married again hoping to find a Mother for his Children but this was not to be . My stepmother turned out to be a cruel and selfish woman who made his chidren's lives a misery. When I was 15 I took a 'live in' job in a kennels to get away from home.

So what effect did this have on me as a parent.
It taught me the importance of giving my child a sense of security and lots of love and cuddles,
..to never raise my hand to my child but to listen and try to understand him,
..to treat my stepchildren as friends not 'competition'.
It hasn't been easy, my husband became very ill when our son was just 3 weeks old and was disabled for the remaining 6 years of his life.

My son is now a married man with 3 small children of his own . I am so proud of him , he is a wonderful father, kind, loving and patient .
I am hoping this is a reflection on his own childhood and that love and patience he received is being passed on ....

Interesting thread, something I've been thinking about loads recently.

I had a 'wonderful' upbringing; ponies, holidays, days out... Never short of anything, spoilt you might say. I did well at school, always in the top sets..I was expected to go to uni, Dad was paying for it, so I did. My mum was strict and prude - never ever spoke to her about anything personal, and my Dad worked a lot, but he was a big softie, spelt my name out in potato letters on my dinner plate! and would often give me money and tell me 'don't tell your mum' even when I was at uni.

But my parents never used to tell me they loved me, you know how you hear people saying it at the end of a phonecall, I never got it, not when they tucked me into bed, never, from neither of them. Never been 'close' to them.

My parents are snobs (harsh i know) they are very obsessed with image and what the Jones' think.

*sigh* They disowned me recently for not having the big white wedding they wanted, instead we did it our way. I'm expecting their first grandchild in 5 weeks, they don't ring, have never visited since the wedding, never even mentioned it. This is the first time in my life I have not done as they wanted, and I guess they don't like it.



It's taught me - never will I let a day go by without telling my son I love him and I will also ALWAYS let him make the choices he wants to in life.

Actually the programme about the Romanian Children who were adopted by British people was on Radio 4 the other day and the findings on the longitudinal study were a little more complex...............

I was brought up in a violent house hold, and my mum was an alcoholic. Funnily enough it was never my mum who hurt me. I quie often have flash back 15years+ years on and have panic attacks because of it.

In many ways my childhood sounds similar (bits in bold)! While I had riding lessons, pony at the age of 12 (I still have him), days out, showered in gifts etc but never told I was loved by my dad, nor ever hugged. My dad is a high earner and as many (not all) high earners are, buy there way out and seem to have more money than sense. My dad was more intrested on jetting us off on a 5* holiday than spend time with his kids.

My dad disowned me because I didn't want to go to uni and wanted to do my own thing.

Similar to you I will always tell my kids I love them and allow them to what they want in life, and support them through it. I will also never raise a hand or anything else to punish my kids.

I was brought up on a council estate in a little village outside the big city. With two older siblings (9 & 10 years older) and one younger (3 years younger) we've never had what everything we ever wanted. Holidays (apart from a few) were always at Bridlington and Skeggy. My parents argued a lot - they still do and except for the odd kiss at Christmas or new years, never showed any form of affection to each other, but they love each other dearly, I don;t think my Mum would've turned her back on most of her family and married him if she wasn't sure. We are a very loud family - we all have our opinions - my Brother and Dad being the worst with my older sister being close.
My brother and I do not get on at all - he only has to walk in a room and I'm wound up. Kelly Clarkson's new song sums him up very nicely..
My older sister has to be in on everyone's business.
And my younger sister is the brains of the family. I think I would be the sensitive one..

We were all brought up playing with things like cardboard boxes and ordinary household stuff that made us use our imagination.. I scare my OH with mine sometimes and I also make him laugh with it too.. My Mum and Dad have never been ones for saying they loved us. But they would gesture it, My Dad would take me fishing on a Sunday morning and buy me little snacks from the shop and treat me to a drink at the pub on the way back (always a cola because we weren't allowed that growing up) and my Mum would tell stories - I remember once she was talking to a friend and she said that even though she had Nic (little) at home she'd still miss me when I was at nursery. In fact my sister (little) finds it funny to run behind my Mum in Tesco and as my Mum's desperately trying to escape her, my sister is shouting "Mum do you love me" so funny to watch - I almost wee'd right there and then. We've never really had hugs or kisses off our parents - probably as children but growing up we didn't, not unless we were really upset.

We were brought up with a sense of humour - my whole Dad's side of the family is loud and at times blunt. We enjoy having a laugh and taking the mick out of each other - but thats who we are.. My parents have never permitted swearing even though they did it all the time in front of us but I think as I got older they became less caring about language.. so as long as we were polite the rest of the time - we could only swear in the house and not at them - they wouldn't have that and with our friends.

We were taught respect and to be helpful. If an elderly person got on the bus - we gave up our seat, if someone dropped what they were holding and were having difficulty we would help. We were also taught to not be ignorant and interrupt - something I find myself pulling my own father up on (he is 61 though - getting old you know apologies to the older Dogsey members - it's a joke in our family) we use cheek to our parents - but we know how far to go and when to stop before buttons are pressed. I remember one of my Mum's stories of when my brother was young (30 years ago) and he'd done something so she'd smacked him for it, he said that didn't hurt so he got one that did.. he's never once crossed my Mum again.

We were brought up to be independent when we needed to be, so at the age of 8/9 I was washing/drying pots, making cuppas and helping with the housework. We were taught to take care of responsibilities first so it would be chores, homework then friends. And when we got our hamsters when I was 12, we were left to clean them out, had to save our pocket money up to buy food, treats and shavings. A fiver a week doesn't go far these days though.

When we were grounded - it meant grounded.. not that I couldn't wriggle out of a day or two early We weren't allowed sweets unless it was a treat or we bought them ourselves and we weren't allowed fizzy drinks - I didn't even know about Macdonalds till I was about 10! And even then we only had it every now and then because my parents found the coffee insufferable.

I wasn't what I would've wanted to have been as a child, I look back and I think - yeah some things could be better but then I think - I've turned out alright, got a good head on my shoulders and ok whilst some decisions haven't always been good I'm normally sensible about them, I've never been in trouble, never took drugs, ok I took part in underage drinking but I was careful about it - I was never on the streets but Mum and Dad had twice the practice before I came along anyway so third time lucky I guess only and (as much as they and she says she's a bonus - she's a mistake ) Nicole I think benefited best out of all of us..

I think it can affect you in the decisions you make in bringing up your own child.
I was a ''mistake'' one which was so bad for my Mom that she tried hard to abort me, but heyho Im here, Mom always blamed me for anything when I was younger, always finishing with....I never wanted you.
I made a decision that my own children would never hear those words from me and they never have.
When they played up and I was annoyed with them, I always used to say, 'I love you but I really do not like you at the moment', I find myself saying that to the foster kids too, I never want to be responsible for making a child feel unloved and unwanted as I used to as a child.
Pat's father was a drunk, drink killed him too, and he suffered horrendous cruelty from his Mother with her frustrations that she had over his Father, he still bears physical scars, he always said he made a conscience decision that he would never become a drunk or lift a hand to his kids, and takes pride in telling you that he stuck to his word.
It can go one way or the other, Pat's brother who suffered the same fate as Pat, put his first two children through the same hell and they don't have anything to do with him. I think we can learn from our parents ........ I try hard not to make the same mistakes as I suffered, sometimes I find myself sounding like my Mom, and I quickly try to correct myself

i come from a huge family , there are 14 of us altogether , we never had a lot in way of material things , we were never short of love though , we were always reminded that we were `cherished children`. mum and dad weren`t hard or harsh parents at all , we were reared with stability in a nice home were there were rules and we knew the consequences of breaking those rules which was usually an extremely sharp tongue lashing from mum , dad never intervened and left discipline up to mum , tho we never feared her. i lost both my parents a few years ago , not a day goes by when i don`t think of them and wish i could just talk to them one more time , i`d have so much to tell them.
as for my children i reared all of them single handedly with their dad walking in and walking out of their lives as he pleased , i`ve always worked hard to support them and provide for them , in some areas of their lives i admit i have been soft on them but they`ll always be my babies , of course i`ve made mistakes along the way [don`t we all?] and i`ve been far from a perfect parent , my kids have been reared to know right from wrong , they`ve all done extremely well on an educational level i now have 3 at uni one studying law , one studying medicine and another studying journalism , i have another that will probably never leave home as she has disabilities , still proud of her though and all shes achieved if you were to ask my kids their honest opinion of me , i know what they`d say as they are always saying it `your a great mum , we love you loads , but stop mollycoddling us`..........hearing them say those words is the best feeling in the world , apart from the mollycoddling bit they will always be my children and everyday i will always show concern for them until i take my last breath i love them all dearly , you never stop being a mum even when they are grown ups , they`ve done me proud , not bad for a young teen mum even if i do say so myself