I don't know what to do next

I don't usually post much about my private life but I'm really at my wits end and I just need to a) spill it all out and b) hope some impartial people might have some good advice.

A few years back, my brother and I went to a music gig and he bought best friend with him. I hadn't seen this guy for a number of years since I was small but we got on really well. A few months later I invites my brother to a music festival and he invited his mate. During this period I broke up with my fiancé. I was given my brothers mates phone number to sort out money (I paid for the tickets and he needed to pay me back.) we ended up texting each other and got together at the music festival, although my brother did not know this at the time.

We started off meeting in secret as we knew my brother would not be happy. But stupidly my mum sort of half knew what was going on (I live with her and we have a close, open relationship). Well, thinking she was doing the right thing because she thought my brother should know, she mentioned bits and pieces to my brother. We didn't want to tell him until we knew it was serious because we didn't want to upset him for nothing if it was going to be over in a few weeks.

Result was by the time we told my brother, he basically already knew and worked himself up into a right paddy about it and the fact we "lied to him and weren't honest" etc. Now my brother isn't a rational person. Our father died when we were young and he's been left with angry management issues. He feels like the world owes him something and over reacts when things don't go his way....and he can hold a grudge forever. Ive seen him jump infront of a bus and yell at the driver for 10 mind be because it NEARLY splashed him with a small puddle and he wonders why we weren't keen to tell him....!

Well this has been going on for two years now. Basically he can't accept us and can't forgive us. The whole situation tends to rear it's head every few months and it's doing my head in. Yes I get why he might be upset and find it weird but it's been two years now and he can't get over it.

I think a big part is that he feels that my OH picked me over him. The thing is that my brother basically stopped talking to either of us for ages. The OH test him a few times to ask him out for a drink, my brother was always busy I could see what he was doing. He was being awkward on purpose, wanted my OH to keep trying, to prove he cared. Problem is that my OH is of the opinion that my brother needs to grow up, feels he has done nothing wrong and refuses to keep grovelling. So he stopped texting my brother as frequently and that's made the situation worse. I think my brother bought this bit on himself, he was worried he would lose a friend, but essentially it was his own tantrums that pushed his friend away.

Now I've never been very close with my brother. We are very different people. But the problem is that this is really upsetting my mum. I get the feeling is the same with my brother, he knows we're not close, but hates mum being upset too. The problem is, while I think it could have been handled better by us, I don't think my brother has the right to dictate who I or my OH date. Equally he views it was an unforgivable betrayal and can't let it go.

This all blew up a few months ago and I thought it had sorted itself out a bit. Obviously not. My brother asked my mum to meet him this weekend, he didn't invite me which was a bit hurtful. Mum was aware of this. Then I came home yesterday to find her in a foul mood. She'd just knocked a pot of handcream over and it had taken her half an hour to clean up. As we walked through the door she ranted about this then told my that my brother had had an accident and fractured his elbow and his knee. I asked how he had done it and she said playing netball. Without thinking, my OH (who has an odd sense of humour which my mum doesn't get anyway, she never knows when he's joking) said "that's a girls sport!".

Well that really kicked it all off. Yes, it was a stupid insensitive comment, but he was just joking, it was an off the cuff remark that just slipped out. She was not happy. She told him that that was a horrible thing to say and that he was supposed to be his friend and stomped off. I followed and she turned on me, shouting about how she was always stuck in the middle of the bitching having to listen to comments from both sides. I tried to explain that it was just a joke. My OH came in and tried to apologise but she wouldn't answer him.

I asked her what comments I had said lately. She couldn't name any. I said the only thing I had said lately was that I was upset that my brother hadn't invited me this weekend, and that wasn't a bitch, just an observation. I asked what my brother and his wife had said. She said that they had been complaining, one thing was that apparently my OH hadn't bothered to contact my brother when my mum was recently suffering from cancer to ask if he was ok.

I found this a bit ridiculous. Firstly, they are boys and I know for a fact they would never ever discuss feelings. Secondly we know my brother has very good support from his wife and wouldn't need it from elsewhere. Thirdly my OH was very involved with my mothers cancer through me and he saw my mum at least twice a week. It was a very small patch of cancer which was successfully treated, it's not like she was having a major operation or chemo. I knew Tim wasn't hugely upset. And I could flip this back at him to say that although my brother phoned my mum regularly through the cancer, he visited only a handful of times and he only lives 10 minute away! Also my OH had tried to make contact during this time and my brother was "busy", so what else is my OH supposed to do?

My mum was really upset. Our extended family are not close and she keeps saying "when I die, you only have each other" and she's desperate for us to sort things out. I hate seeing her upset and I hate that she's stuck in the middle, but ne and my brother simply cannot accept each others view on the matter.

So yesterday my OH felt he had to leave as he wasn't welcome. He tried to apologise but she was too angry to reply. Problem is, he had never thought my mum likes him. She's always though that ge was scared of her. I don't think that she does particularly like him. I think she tolerated him, appreciates some of the things he does, but their personalities don't match. I don't think she'd be happy if I married him but she respects my choice to date who I want. Thing is, we'd just got their relationship sorted out and I don't know how it will be after last night yes it was a stupid comment but mum over reacted, probably after hearing things from my brother about "how awful" my OH is as a friend....because he won't beg and grovel to his tantrum

I don't know what to do. I personally don't have a problem with my brother apart from the fact I think he's being a selfish tw*t. But all I want is for him to forgive me, for my mums sake. I don't want her upset any more. But he clearly hadn't forgiven me. Even if I broke up with my OH, it wouldn't matter, the damage is done and I have no idea how or when my brother will get over this. I literally don't know what I can do. And now I don't even know if my OH is welcome back in my house He won't want to come over any more.

I more than a bit annoyed that my brother has been stupid enough to bitch to my mum! I mean ge knows it upsets her, doesn't want her upset, so he should keep his mouth shut and leave her out of it.

After my OH left my mum was talking to me normally so she doesn't seem mad at me She blames my OH for this, like he's stolen her daughter away, betrayed her son and caused all if this mess. I dutifully text my brother about his broken bones and he did at least reply politely to me. Seems like everyone would be much happier if we broke up...except my OH who will have lost his GF and supposed best friend, and the only thing he did wrong was fall for the wrong person. I hate the fact that my relationship is upsetting so many people but I also can't understand why it's such a huge issue that two years later, my brother can't just let it go. He's such an angry, irrational person that I can see no way that I can make him forgive me. I literally don't know what to do any more.....


So this is so long, it's more of a pour it all out exercise than anything else

Well I read half of it

I think you and your brother need to sit down together and sort it out. Find out what exactly is annoying him - and tell him why you're upset. You need to get this all out in the open and if you can't say it to his face, you need to write it in a letter (2nd best thing - more personal than a text or phone call)

This bit in particular - he needs to read/hear.. If you were close once then he'll understand and he'll realise how much it is upsetting you.


That's all I can say really. I'm not close to my brother or older sister and they are 9 and 10 years older than me. But I have had close friends who I have ended up going out with the boys they liked and it wasn't pretty but we made friends in the end and all is forgiven and now one of them is engaged to one I went out with.. although we pretend that didn't happen - wasn't a serious one.

Sorry if this isn't much help..

There comes a point in your life when you have to cut the umbilical cord and become an adult to all the people who know you as a child. I think you`ve reached that point now.
You have your own life. Other people have theirs.
Stop trying to `make everything better`, It`s not your job and tbh you`re just perpetuating their childish behaviour.
Stay out of it. If they want to squabble like infants, let them - but don`t join in. And don`t support it.

Claire beat me to it.....

I completely agree.

Please hon, get your own life with your lovely OH and leave those remaining to squabble amongst themselves.

You are not responsible for them.....

x0x

Thanks both.

SLB I have tried to discuss this with my brother a few times. He agrees to meet me but then doesn't say his true feelings. I thought we were sort of ok, he's ok to my face. But then I find he's still unhappy behind my back. My OH tried to talk with him but both being awkward about feelings never really got to the crux of the matter, again my brother is ok to his face. So we never know how he is truly feeling. He's clearly still angry, I think he just likes to be angry about something I truely can't work out what exactly it I'd that is upsetting him so much. I think it's that he's "lost his friend" bit he's doing that himself by being pig headed. Talking to him has solved nothing as he won't be honest.

C&D, I would take that stance but the problem is that I currently still live with my mum as I can't afford to move out. I'm the one who had to watch her in tears when she gets upset. And it's going to be bloody awkward now if my OH isn't welcome in my house I am very close with my mum and I don't want to jepodise that relationship.

Thanks Vicki. I wish it was that straightforward! It would be easier if I wasn't living at home. OH and I are trying to move out, maybe I'll have to try a bit harder I do get why my brother would be angry initially but after two years now, it's more than a bit ridiculous!

You've talked about your relationship with mum and your brother, but haven't really said how 'you' feel about your boyfriend.

If you love him, it may be time to move your relationship forward and set up home together. Family may find it easier to cope with some distance involved. If not and you don't think your relationship will stand the test of time, then maybe time to call it a day.

Don't let others influence the major decisions in your life. It's you who has to live with the consequences

Thank you. See, this is another problem I have. I feel like this situation is pushing me into making decisions that I don't feel ready to make. Me and my OH have a good relationship, we care a lot about it other and we get on well. I'd like to rent a place with him. However, is he the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? I don't know. And I don't want to have to make that decision now. We're happy enough coasting along and seeing how things go. But part of me just thinks that this is proving to be such a headache that if we aren't planning to be together forever, is it worth upsetting so many people over?

I mean how do you know when you want to marry someone? I'm scared that I'll never know. I was with my last partner for 5 years, for the first three I was convinced he was the man I wanted to marry. Over the next two my feelings slowly changed. When he proposed I accepted it as I knew how gutted he'd be if I said no (I know, stupid right?). Six month later I knew I couldn't go through with it and called it off. But if we'd got married after three years, I'd have been sure he was the one, only to fall out of love two short years later So now I am scared of making that decision. I really don't know how you know. In at that age where all my friends are getting married and I'm getting all sorts of social pressures to do that same but I don't want to make that decision yet

I know this is only one side of a story but from what you say I see your bother's temperament is the root of this unhappy merry-go-round.
He is emotionally insecure and he is measuring his lack of worth to a person/people by the fact that he has been excluded and kept in the dark.
You and your o/h are fed up with his juvenile attitude and your mother bless her is frazzled out by the infighting that she is unable to control.
Your mother could well be the most affected by this as warring offspring are not only distressing her but have brought her into an impossible situation.
Her response will be to use the outsider your o/h as the scapegoat.

As I think you may want opinions I'll give you mine.

You can't control your brother's behaviour so for yourself ---
Let your brother stew in his own juices
Leave your mother out of it
Concentrate on your o/h and your relationship with him.

"Relationships the worst ships that ever sailed"

Well I agree with C&D. Having had all the problems with my Mom and family of late I've walked away and I am going to keep walking.

I can see by your reply about 'whether you'd want to marry or not', 'whether this would be right or not' 'will the relationship last' etc., but hun believe me I could say exactly the same, if Patrick and I finished I have no-one to turn to now I have walked away from family, but there comes a time when you have to take a chance in life. If it doesn't work out, you'd be strong enough to survive believe me. Sometimes families are hard to please, I found that out, and sooner or later its best to say ''right this is me except it or lump it''. Im sure you could rent a place with your BF, bet it would turn out better than you think Best wishes hun, I hope things sort out for you xxxxxxxxx