In a Dilema

When I was younger never a day went by when I'd hear the words ''you were a unwanted child'' or ''you were never wanted'' by my Mother. There is a age gap between my sister and myself of nearly 7 years, so there were times when my sister would tell me the same.
As I grew up I got used to the stuff I got blamed for and ''its your fault this is, if we had never of kept you......'' blah blah, so no surprise as a wild rebelious teenager I was thrown out at 16.
Never to live at home again, I spent my time living rough on the streets, and in hell hole bedsits with no family help. But somehow I dragged myself up and worked with animals, went to college thanks to work and got all my qualifications, became a veterinary nurse, head veterinary nurse, Head receptionist in NHS, and finally passed loads of exams since working as a foster carer for Challenging behaviour children/teenagers......Im proud of me I've done things like married, had two boys, promised myself that everyday even when I didn't 'like' them, I would always 'love them, never told them that they were 'unwanted' had 21 years with thier Dad...divorced but got myself my flat, fought like an alley cat for Reah's quality of life, taken in strays, had rescues, brought my boys up, seen my eldest son right when he had loads of debts, paid my bills, gone without food and clothes, and helped friends out...met Patrick and am happy.

So why do I feel so angry over my Mom's 90th Birthday party which she had in August and I wasn't there....why...because my Mom said....''Ann's being very nice and said if you want to come she will stand down....however stephanie I don't really want her upset by her not coming so maybe it would be best if....''

Then yesterday I find out from my son, that Mom is paying her £100 a week now, these payments have been going on for 10 years now, starting at £25, then £50 then £80 and now to this £100 for taking her shopping on a Friday and popping in twice a week.
My sister has expressed her thoughts about Mom's will (this being 3 years back) that she feels my sons should have NONE.

Now I have been dwelling on all this and just like when I was a kid I find Im hurting, but not in the way I should...but thinking that I should tell my Mom to take me out of the will and then what if she die's....do I go to the funeral or stay away ...as I have been doing all my life really I know this may sound mad. but I feel I said goodbye to a mother long ago, I cannot express what I mean, only when the boys were small did we have a relationship now that they are grown its gone again. When my sister moved to Lincoln Mom was very depressed and so moved there....her parting words to me were...I need to be where my daughter is Stephanie

Steph your signature says it all and that's the way it should be, tell your mum and sister to go swivel. Who needs that much cr@p in their life? You have people in your life who appreciate you for who you are anyone else is surplus to requirements. You have every reason to be proud of you, what they think is damned irrelevant as they never did anything for you except put you down.
My Ex Mother in law was always threatening to remove my ex and the kids from her will, my attitude was fine do it, it's your money and you should do as you see fit with it, no one should ever expect to inherit anything by right.

Thanks hun...that was a lovely thing to say xxxxxxx

Sorry that you are hurting x

If it was me, I would walk away with my head held high. You have tried and all you get in return is hurt. Walk away and leave them to it, you are worth so much more than this and it really is their loss if they cant see it.

I think you will feel so much happier without their conditional relationships.

Much love x

Thats how I feel lorna like you and trouble says, I just wanted others to say what they thought incase it was just me Patrick tells me the same...but then says ''its your decision'' which kinda pops it back into my court again

Who needs em!!! If I were there with you I would give you a massive hug and tell you how proud you should be of yourself.
Look at what you have achieved on your own. You are such a fantastic, strong, kind, loving, generous person and that is all thanks to YOU! No one else can take any credit for that.
As you and others have said you have those around you that matter and love and appreciate you so as I said in the beginning who needs em!!
Stay strong xx

I agree with what everyone else had said, they don't deserve you ! you don 't need "family" like them around you you have your own family and friends that love you for you xx

Be kind to yourself and offload them and do it with a clear conscience x

Steph - you have done wonderful things for yourself since you were that 16 year old - and you did it by yourself. Without your Mom. Or your sister. You should be very proud of yourself because you are a terrific person.

I cannot say that Mother ever said I was unwanted, but she made it perfectly clear that her life was "ruined" by trying to deliver first my twin and then myself. And our older sister, 6½ years old when we were born, was so put out by not being the centre of attraction any more because not only was there a new baby but there were two - twins.

My older sister has not mentioned my name in nearly 40 years now.

Mother? The last time I phoned her she said "I cannot talk, I am watching television. Call me later" - but I had been phoning from here, no cheap overseas phone calls at that time, at least once a week. Mother never phoned me.

The worst thing she did, and I can never forgive her for that, even though she has been dead for maybe 17 years now, was "forgetting" my birthday.

She sent my daughter a birthday card for 12 March. She sent my twin in the US a birthday card for 13 March. But she "forgot" me?

I did not go to her funeral - I would not have been able to, or been able to get there in time even if I had been. Would I have gone had I still been in England? I guess so. But probably to make sure she really was dead.

Does that sound evil? Maybe, maybe not. But I did the right thing here according by my religion. I sat "shiv'a" for her. I tore my shirt and wore it for the full 7 days of the "shiv'a" - and I guarantee that neither of my sisters did either.

Why did I do that? Because it was the right thing to do.

And it finally lifted that yoke from my shoulders and set me free.

Steph. Live for yourself and for those you love and who love you in return.

Because you deserve it.

Firstly huge (((hugs))). As you know although mine is slightly different well a lot different my adoption was thrown in my face recently I think I can begin to feel a little way to how you are feeling. After everything I have done for mum she says my brother is the only one who looks after properly.

I walked for a couple of weeks I have gone back but I have sworn to myself she will never hurt me again with such words. I feel maybe you need to ditch them they have done nothing for you you owe them nothing all you have achieved you have done off your own back.

You should feel very proud with what you have achieved and that you are still left with such a caring nature for human and animals after the horrors that were dealt to you when younger and it seems still being dealt to you.