I agree with the others who've said go & talk to your mum & see if you can explain what you want to do for YOUR wedding day, that you'd love it if she & your father were involved & would very much appreciate their help in organising it & that your mum can do her "proud mother of the bride" bit at a party later. But stick to your guns & make sure that whatever you decide, it is what you & your fiance want ~ it's your special day after all, & if your parents can't accept that, then too bad.

I had similar pressures when I got married ~ how to please my family & my in-laws, but nobody seemed to care if it was what WE wanted. In the end, by pure chance, it worked out beautifully because I booked the reception venue for a Saturday evening first, then found out that the registrars were on a work to rule & weren't doing Saturday weddings. So we had to get married in a registry office on the Friday before, with just immediate family there, then we all went out for a slap up meal afterwards. Then on the Saturday evening we had a huge party at a hotel with all our family & friends. I didn't get home till 4.00 a.m. but still made my husband stay up & open all our presents. Then on the Sunday we went out for lunch with my in-laws before they went back to the Midlands (all nursing very severe hang-overs!) & on the Monday we were due to go on our honeymoon. But we overslept, missed our flight, forgot to collect dry-cleaning etc ~ so we went to Florida the following day. It was memorable to say the least!

Why can't you take your parents with you?????

Then your Dad can give you away and it can still be a quiet ceremony!

I know I wouldn't have got married without my parents at my side

My wedding was in a registrars...THere was myself and my OH and our son, my sister and her OH and their daughter and my mum and dad..

We got married. had a quiet meal afterwards and then went home.

I really feel for you. We are planning our wedding just now and we are going to do what we want!! We both want Ben to be involved and despite my mum and especially my dad thinking we are being silly thats what we want so that is what we will do (heaves knows what Stuarts family will think when they hear that plan!!)
We are doing our guest lists ourselves and have already drwan thenm up as we want who we want there not so and sos friend or auntie?? who we havn't seen for years.
When we told my dad he suggested (seriously) that we elope - possiblt to Skye, as its a place we love, and just get married just the two of us with no fuss etc (he really doesn't want to do the whole wedding and father of the bride thing!! but he will because it is important to me/us) My mum would be horrified if I did that she wants the wedding the ceremony the look at my daghter the meal the party.
Me? I just want to spend the rest of my life with Stuart ansd I want family that matter and good friends to share what will hopefyully be the happiest day of my life. But having said that if Stuart had a real preference to going away , just the 2 of us, then that is a possibility I would really consider as it is important that the day is as comfortable and special for you and your OH.
Maybe try writing your mum a letter? My mum and I didn't speak for years for a few reasons but we did sort it out and now most of the time we are good friends.
Maybe in the letter explain that it was never your intentions to hurt or upset anyone but this is right for you, it is important to you n both that they share this wonderful day and that you would really like them to be there, and maybe ask your mum for help in organising a part of the day - maybe looking for accomodation or where to have the meal or similar? Give her a job as she may be feeling like some of the Control has been taken from her. End the letter explaining how much everyone is hurting just now which is such a shame as you love them both very much and you really want them to share in your enjoyment and excitement. Even though IMO she is being a bit unreasonable try to be as upbeat and nice in the letter as you can bring yourself to be.
Good luck and do what is right for you and your OH and I do hope your mum comes round xx

Well I can't see a problem, your Dad will be at the 'wedding party' near your home, he can make a brides father speech and make jokes about you running away together, and why not 'give you away' at the wedding party, reherse a few lines together, get it photographed and job done, everyones happy

That's my simplistic approach but of course I don't have to deal with your mother do I

Well if it were me I would rather a wedding without a fuss and what you have planned would seem perfect.

As a mum then I would want whatever my daughter wants, it is her day afterall, I would probably be upset that I wont see my daughter get married though, but from what you have said it seems your mum is angry for a different reason and that is that she wanted to show off.

You are doing the right thing imo.

Thank you for all your replies, you all make so much sense. Louise my parents are invited to Gretna of course!

Well, no contact from them by phone still, just an email off my father from work today with a list of mum's friends and far cousins, who I have never met and an email subject "people you need to inform about the wedding." Erm, no. Are they trying to make me feel ashamed, or just being awkward, trying to make it a bit more difficult for me? Petty.

mums eh! cant live with em or without em!

Sorry your having such a tough time. I think much of the advice on here is great, but of course, only you know your mum and have to "deal" with her!
A few days breathing space wont hurt, maybe then bite the bullet and give her a ring rather than rely on the written word, which can so, so often be read the wrong way!

We purposely only invited friends and immediate family, both our families live 1 hour and 4 hours away from us. We both have cousins, aunts and uncles we havent seen in years, nevermind introduced each other to!! We seriously didnt see the point in inviting them, I'm not sure what they all made of it, except only 1 of my cousins who is rather outspoken at the best of times, told me he should have been there - havent seen him in 6 years and he hasnt met my OH!!!! and OH parents were making noises about his aunty and uncle having an invite (aunty was seriously ill and wouldnt have done the journey anyway!!)

We had a few chats about what was and wasnt expected of couples and parents with weddings, I think the idea of parents paying is now getting a little "old fashioned", with many couples funding their own day.

We kind of came to the conclusion that whoever was holding the purse strings had "some" input into the day, BUT it is still the couples day, to put on a "show" for friends and rellies that you hardly know is just not right.
Also, all those people you hardly know or never see - also know they hardly know or never see you!! so whats the point? it all just adds to the expense.

Let the heat die down, then have a good chat to them, try and keep calm.
Explain its your day, you only intend to do it once!
You only want a happy day, not one filled with bad feeling.
Blaming the "outlaws" is not going to help forge good relations, it will only add pressure and bad feeling for everyone.
Tell them you want them there.
Ask your mum to arrange the after party and give your "heartfelt" blessing for her to invite her friends and far flung rellies to keep the peace
Ask your mum why it is so important to her for you to have such a big "do"?
Ask her if she can try and understand your wishes for your day.
Ask her if she would be truly happy if you went along with it just for her?
If it gets out of hand, dont be afraid to end the conversation and tell them you will phone again as its upsetting you and not achieving anything. (tough but try it)

Good luck flower, I'm sure you will get this sorted out.

Jeez weddings really do cause problems sometimes! (I fell out with my sister and I think parents took her side, still not resolved 2 years on, you have thought it was all about her, but hey thats another story altogether!!)
xx

You might want to rethink Gretna.. One of the girls I work with has just come back from a wedding of one her relatives in Gretna Green. She said that it was one of the worst weddings she had ever been to. The venues were all pretty tacky, the service was rushed and not at all relaxed as there were other weddings directly before and after and no time to make anything really personal. There were brides wandering around outside as all the venues are pretty close together and she said she felt part of like a conveyor belt wedding. Not at all the romantic wedding that she was anticipating and that her friend had imagined.

I am a mum of two sons, not daughters, however I know that if one of them wanted to up sticks and get married somewhere else then I would be desperately unhappy if I wasnt involved in some way.

Also if your parents are anything like mine, there is a HUGE chunk of tradition involved and anything other than tradition doesnt seem 'right' in their eyes. It may have been the case that at her wedding the 'mother of the bride' was the most important person planning wise. She probably saw herself in that role until the venue was cancelled. Perhaps something she has dreamed about as you got older.

As a mum of boys, sometimes I find myself being a bit sad that I can never be 'mother of the bride' I just know that I will get sidelined with any of the exciting fun things with wedding planning when it comes to it, you want them to be happy but you want to send them off into their new life too.

Actually, if they choose to they could do it twice

It's not generally known but there is absolutely no reason why you can't marry the same person twice.

They could run away to Gretna Green tommorrow and then have another (simple) ceremony (10 minutes max) within the wedding 'party' in June (or whenever the original date was planned for)

That's what we did (Not Gretna Green) and never had a problem, of course I always tell people that if I ever wanted to leave my wife I would have to divorce her twice as well, far to stressful to even contemplate so we've stayed together for years and years (Well decades actually )

It is your day and your OH's so that is the most important consideration although your family will naturally want some involvment.

Dave and I got married in Nov, exactly 10 years after we got together, and we got married at Gretna (Anvil Hall), just the two of us. To be honest, I would suggest that you look at Gretna carefully before booking it. The Anvil Hall is a lovely venue, we had a horse and carriage from the hotel (which was also lovely) but it is very much like a conveyor belt type thing. There is not a lot to do in Gretna either. It depends on how important your wedding day is to you. Some people dream about it for years, some don't really care. We decided to get married about four weeks before we did it, so there wasn't much build up to it. We picked Gretna because we's heard of it and the photos looked all right. If I had been the sort of person who had dreamed about my wedding since I was five years old, Gretna would have been a huge let down for me. Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.

We had a party when we got back, just a small one. We wore the same outfits and had speeches and a cake. I think the family and friends enjoyed being involved in that side of it.