Not sure what to do

So OH has been out of work for nearly 6 years now, in the meantime he's sat on his backside doing next to nothing. He earns money now and then fixing computers and tells everyone that that's what he does for a living. Because of this and the loss of his father he has been depressed, he knows he is and knows he has anxiety but refuses to do anything about it.

In the meantime, he picks on me for the least little thing from forgetting to switch off a light to having toilet roll in the wrong place on a shelf instead of the more convenient place of 'his' heater beside the chair he plonks in at the computer almost permanently.

I'm not innocent, I forget to switch off lights, pick up after myself, things like that. I have been known to burn dinner cause I got engrossed in something, I'm really bad at housework. However, I don't feel I deserve the constant moaning I get. I know I'm godawful with money and spend when I shouldn't but I make sure that we have food in the house and the bills are paid.

Admittedly he's been an angel where cadets are concerned, he looks after Davie without too much moaning, but makes my life a misery by constantly complaining, he rants about England (sorry guys), about independence for Scotland, about how centralised everything is to London, about unrealistic portrayals of women in the media, about ruddy Rangers and the recent stuff that's gone on about that.

We have no sex life to speak of, he told me the other night that even when he er...sorts himself out...it's me he thinks of...yes, very nice but I'm upstairs!

Tonight was the last straw, he has been out since Wednesday, I didn't mind to an extent because I get peace then, he returned tonight while I was watching the closing ceremony for the Olympics and started in about it being the 'womens olympics' and how unfair that was, about how the choices of music didn't reflect British music thoroughly enough, they could have had on Jeff Beck, or Judas Priest (?!), I tried to argue but it doesn't work. Then he started on me because the loo rolls were on the shelf above the radiator instead of on the radiater which doesn't leave room for a cup. I know it's a little thing but he turned it into a massive thing. I told him that his rants are so full of bitterness and I don't know where it all comes from. I was then the bad guy, so asked him did he want us to split up cause it feels like he hates me, his reply was 'you made the statement' meaning the one about bitterness.

BTW this sort of thing has been going on for years, and I mean since we moved to Alness 11 years ago.

I'm tempted to leave it till tomorrow afternoon, and see what he says sober. I want him gone though before I truly hate him.

Am I being unreasonable, am I about to break up our family over something silly?

Firstly ((((hugs)))) hun, he sounds alittle like my first hubby who was very much one of the lads with his work mates (police) and the star of a party, in fact I used to have female police officers tell me how funny he was and such a good laugh ...... they never saw him as a husband behind closed doors, constantly moaning about stupid stuff.
I never seemed to be good with money when I was with him, but I realised once we divorced it was because he was a child with 2 years old tantrums about new cars and boys toys, so I used to give him money.

I can not say whether you should go only you will now that, but the best thing I did was to leave, and the second best thing I did was to have some years to myself to find the real me.

They all have their funny ways....Patrick did (hubby now) but its whether you can live with it....or they make the changes to suit, Pat wasn't the best when we first got married I must say, but he had his fingers burnt with his previous partner and tarred all woman with the same brush (thats another story).....and its been a long journey but he's changed his ways, and we now have an agreement....communication....and it works for us.
Why not write down all the pro and all the cons, and if you still want to leave, just remember you will survive, your a person in your own right

Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship reallly apart from the people involved.

All I will say is that I believe in balance, when one side of the scales is always weighted one way, only unhappiness can ensue, so when the **** outweighs the good on a regular, daily basis you have to make a decision.

Do you deserve it, do you deserve more? Nobody can make that decision except you.

I woke up one morning thinking I did not want to wake up in ten years time in exactly the same place I was in then, and shipped out.

I am in a similar situation so can sympathise, no-one can tell you what to do it's in your hands.

I keep myself to myself and live my own life, I am a different person than I was a few years ago.

Lorraine, this is just an awful situation.

I can only offer one bit of advice, as someone who it took 34 years to find the right man, and that's "if nothing changes, things will stay the same".

You need to make a decision, hon. Do you really want to be in the same boat as you are now in ten or fifteen years time?

When my previous relationships ended, all I could think of was the time I wasted, and I felt quite bitter about it for a long time.

Personally, I think you and Davie deserve so much better.....

x0x

(((Hugs))) from me not sure what to say except I don't think I could live like that.

He sounds controlling. I have had a depressed OH through work issues a few years ago now but will say he was never like this. I myself have suffered severe depression and to be honest I didn't have the energy to argue or be controlling it was easiet to hide away and keep quiet.

I hope you can make the right decision and start living your life again.

So did I. My infant daughter was still in hospital after ten months of major hip surgeries, I had had many miscarriages [and a stillbirth] before and after she was born, and was 10 weeks pregnant again.

Monday 1 December 1989

I walked.

Went as usual to the RNOH in Stanmore to be with my daughter as I had done every day since she was 13 months' old, spoke with the Almoner [which is what they were called in those days] and told her that I thought I had left my husband.

She sent me to a solicitor who asked if I wanted a separation or a divorce and I said might as well make it a divorce.

My son was born a month early in June 1970 - I got my decree nisi on 21 September 1970 [delayed because of the Courts being closed for the summer break] and decree absolute on 23 December 1970.

No way would or did I, ever put up with such selfish behaviour as I had had from my husband ever again.

It is your decision. Can you live with your husband's behaviour any longer? Do you think he cares enough to try to change?

I would be tempted to try to talk to him about it (if you want to save your marriage that is) and see what solutions (if any) you can come up with as a couple. If you know in your heart that the end has come, then you know what has to be done.

Good luck.

For me, once I began to think it would be better without my husband it was a done thing.

I was lucky in that I could financially support myself, my daughter and the dogs.

Can't advise you as it is your emotions not mine but I wish you luck and happiness whichever route you take.

rune

Thanks guys, well we have spoken tonight, he is trying to lay it all at my door. He thinks he is the victim, and feels like I'm just having a go instead of telling the truth to him. He says divorce is what I want so that is what I'll get.

We still haven't sorted out who is moving out, I can't. I need a house for my son and I and I pay the rent. I have no idea where we go next, I'm sitting upstairs leaving him to think for a while.