Domestic Violence - Victim Blaming

This could be a very touchy subject for a lot of people. Unfortunately what I see when discussing this topic, victim blaming plays a huge role in people's opinions.

My own personal experience:
I was in a very abusive relationship with a man. I was beaten heavily with a lamp the tine my husband and I were friends and he pulled me out of there. Ironically, I ended up in the same situation with my husband. The last time and the worst time the abuse happened (3 years later) was on a cold snowy evening. I forget how the arguement started but where my memory picks up at is when he was restraining me from walking out the door. I freaked out because I don't like being restrained, makes me feel like I can't breathe. He punched me in the mouth and I started choking on blood. I had gotten blood on the carpet and he was even more angered by this and strangled me. I couldn't breathe and my vision was going black. I was so scared. When he ler go I threw up from fear. His anger rose. He grabbed me by my hair and dragged me into the bathroom. On the way there my hair ripped out as my leg got snagged on a nail sticking from the floor. He once again grabbed my hair and proceeded to drag me. By that time I stopped fighting and was motionless. In the bathroom he half drowned me in the toilet and threw me on the tile. When get got ontop of me he began to strangle me again. This time I blacked out. I woke up on the porch in the snow. I only sat there. He came amd got me. Obviously still upset. His anger rose again because I was crying and he threw me on the floor. I tried to crawl away and he held me down shoving a pile of dog feces in my face and rubbing it on my back. Somehow I made it to the other side, curled up against a wall. He went over and kicked me in the back repeatedly. I had my thumb nail ripped off, 2 brokeen fingers, a hole in my head where blood gushed out all down my face, my left side of my face was unrecognizabe. He told me to clean up the house and lay down. I did just that. The whole night my body shook violently and I cried in silence. At one point as he kept checking in on me he laid down next to me with his hand on my shoulder. It hurt so bad I flinched and screamed. This is a man that I have never seen cry and when he said he was sorry I turnes around and saw guinine tears running down from his eyes. He wasn't able to touch me for 3 weeks because of how battered up I was. We did classes, he did n/a and nonviolent alternatives, therapy individually and together, psych evaluations,he went and did everything he could to change. And succeeded. Now he he has never laid a hand on me after that night. And even though he is more than greatful I stayed, he wont advise that for anyone else. A situation came up where I was raped and now pregnant, something that would of put him over the edge. He was not angry but strongly supportive.

I had a lot of hatred towards me from friends and family who blamed me because I chose to stay. None which talk to me anymore. Is blaming the victim really what people think? I don't advise anyone to stay in a relationship where they are being abused. Its risky/dangerous.

I don't think so and I would say they don't hate you they just do not understand how you can stay. It's your life and your choices. A leopard can change their spots but they will always be a leopard in my humble opinion. Are you keeping the baby if I may be so bold?

I was married for years to a man who was violent towards me physically and mentally. i was a shell. a shadow. i felt useless. i always made excuses for him. time and time again i made excuses for him. it was work. or he was tired or worried about something.
But in reality he was a nasty controlling bully who just wanted to dominate my life.i was offered a little job which i took,and it built up my confidence and i started chatting to a fantastic man who didnt take me for granted. who was interested in what i had to say. and i plucked up the courage to tell my husband that i didnt love him. he beat that out of me many years back. and i was leaving him. so i packed up what i could get in a van and stayed in my friends back bedroom for a few weeks.i then borrowed a flat.and started getting back on my feet. the fabulous man i had met played a big part in my life. and after a few ups and downs we got married.my ex had tried causing alot of problems for us. even told the police i was a major drug dealer. got busted for that. obviously i had nothing to worry about.
but over the past 18 years he has tried to cause us problems. but to be honest i just laugh at him now.ive got a great life and im very much in love with charlie.(my inner strength) been with his for 18 yrs come next month.
no matter what your husband/partner says he will not be able to carry on the mr nice guy act. he will hurt u again. and u will have a baby as well by then.
as for your family and friends they dont hate you they just dont understand why u are with a man who can hurt u so badly.
so think carefully do u want to spend the rest of your life with a man like that. i always felt on edge when i was with my ex. my stomach used to churn when he wasnt about. then a sickening lurch when he knocked on the door to come in. i could tell waht mood he was in how he knocked on the door.the kids used to run to their rooms until they could come down safely.
do u want that for your baby??
i wish you luck X

As in many things, with relationships it is up to us only to decide what's best for us. If someone is an adult they can make their own independent choices. I had a bad situation many years ago. The guy was middle aged, fresh from the ditzy love of his life divorcing him. I didn't have much experience in dating nevermind healthy relationships.

This idiot wanted a warm body to have sex with but talked about his wife incessantly. Everything was about what she liked, what she hated, what she was like in bed, what was so great about her, why he still had her picture all around his house. I was needy enough to ignore this horror and also the unspoken attitude that he didn't really like or respect women at all actually.

As time went on he became more of a control freak, lied, cheated ( he was a 5 ft tall homely dwarf with a huge ego), was cheaply penny pinching, hated my cats and accused ME of cheating regularly. Finally the lightbulb went off. Get the hell out of this house as fast as I can.

But my younger son didn't understand all of the ghastly behavior. This idiot convinced my son that he actually loved me and was terribly sad I had left him. My son's principal went so far as to stage an intervention with me and my son. From her point of view I had left a personable, successful man with a great house and car to go back to being a struggling single mother.

I did NOT go back and my son got over it eventually. But I am blessed I did what I felt.

The truth is...people cannot see it because they arent in it. When youre in it...youre blind. I was engaged to a guy who emotinally abused me. I never saw it until a year after the break-up. I hated my mom for pulling me away and forbiding me to be with him, after all I was over 18. My mom said she couldnt handle seeing me cry everynight because he would tear me down.

He would do a check of what I wore. If I looked too pretty...another guy might look at me. If my parents saw me more then he did...he forbid me to see them. He would purposley break up with me and make me beg for him. Do special favors for him to win him back. It was a game. The final day it ended, I met my now husband. My ex told me that I cheated on him all along. Then in the next breath he told me how no guy would ever want me. Good luck finding a guy and how ill never have any of my dreams come true. Ie, seeing ocean for first time, dream car, dream job. He beat me down...oh. he also said after claming to be vegan...thst in order for me to PROVE my love to him....id kill my dog. Kill my dog with a plastic bag and duct tape. When i refused...thats when it really ended and my mom pulled me out.

After the break up...i proved him wrong. Four years later...I am now married. Have my dream job, teaching. I got my dream car. I saw the ocean I think a month after we split. Yeah...i did it all.

My advice is...if you see someone being abused....get involved. Pull them out. Yes...theu WILL hate you. I hated my mom for months. Yet, i saw what I was blind to and was thankful. I mean...you have to consider....do you watch them be abused...possibly killed? Or do you risk losing the friendship to save them?

But unfortunately if they're married or living with the ******* it's a financial issue. Does the abused have a means of income? If there are children involved...if the abuser has a better lawyer HE can get custody. Like it or not these are the realities of the situation.