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GirondeDeb
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GirondeDeb is offline  
Location: Connerie
Joined: Jun 2011
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24-04-2012, 06:17 AM
You are going through the worst of times. In one way, I think it can help to be flat out with practical problems, as it doesn't give you time to think about the loss of your Mum. But you can't go on like this for long. And the fact that you don't know how long you've got left with your Mum means it's hard to plan, or to allow yourself any time out.

Try and think about what can give, and what's really important. For example, try not to wind yourself up about how you're going to deal with the house after your Mum's gone. You'll have plenty of time to do that later.

I would also reiterate what Lynn said...the Macmillan nurses are there for you too, and they can be a tremendous help psychologically and practically.

As for Cain, he will be there for you when this is all over, so ask for his forgiveness now. He might be getting upset, and this will undoubtedly set him back a bit, but you'll be able to catch up.

My final bit of advice is not to be proud to ask for help from everyone around you. They probably all think you're coping marvellously.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Treasure every moment you get with your Mum. I hope she finds some peace and knows how much she is loved.
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youngstevie
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24-04-2012, 06:26 AM
I was going to say talk to the McMillan nurses too, or if you feel you can not just show them your post to read for themselves.
My cousin went through exactly the same as you and the MM nurses where fabulous, they found solutions for her. I realise if your Mom is near the end you will not want respite for her, but you might be able to get the MM nurses to help have her for a while whilst you go off to help lessen your stress.

As for work there is little I can say but I presume you have got all your carers allowances that you are entitled too in place, maybe you could get a 6month extension off work if not and targets are not met regards what you are doing, then you are only going to stress more.

I think your amazing juggling everything but I think you need to also except that this will only lead to poor health/exhausted yourself and that will do you no good when your Mom leaves you, you will need alot of strength when that happens to cope and come to terms with things.

Best wishes hun xxxx
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lilypup
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24-04-2012, 06:41 AM
My heart absolutely breaks for you. My sister was only bedridden for around 3 weeks but she would insist on getting to the toilet. She went into a hospice 6 days before she passed. She had fought and fought about going in but finally she realised that she had no choice. The pressure was taken off me and my Mum as the care they gave her was far better than we could do.

Hospices do offer respite care and this one might be near to you http://www.trinityhospice.org.uk/

I cannot speak highly enough of the compassion, support and understanding of the staff who work in the hospices. Please ask your Mum's specialist nurse or doctor about it. Has she been assigned a nurse already? When the scan's showed my sisters chemo hadn't worked and the cancer had spread, the hospital referred her to the hospice who sent a nurse out to see her. They offer all kinds of help and please take all you can.

I described my life as a game of Jenga. I just felt that one thing after another was being stacked on me. You need help!

Oh and I adopted Alfie in the January. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer days later and my sister the following month. In the most important months of his puppyhood, I was distracted and not there as much as I should have been. But he survived, more than survived, and he is my symbol of complete unconditional love.

Lots of love to you Amanda xxxxx
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madmare
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24-04-2012, 06:47 AM
Having been a carer and looked after a lady soley on my own in the same situation I know exactly what you are experiencing and how hard it is for you especially as its your mum.
I don't know how you feel about it but is there a hospice near you where your mum could go for some respite care to give you a break, or to stay permantly now. The care your mum would get there is amazing and you could still be with her as often as you wanted to without so much stress.
I can't help with your other problems but just your mum alone is a huge stress for anyone let alone with everything else and what good would you be to your mum, Cain and anyone if you have a breakdown which you will if you carry on like this.
Please at least sort out some respite care with the MM nurses, because you are not going to get through this I fear without it. Remember they are there for you too. (((hugs)))
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moetmum
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24-04-2012, 06:59 AM
I am so sorry for all you and your mum are going through, I am sending virtual hugs.

On a practical note, my aunt died just over a year ago and left the property to her son (my cousin) he has mental health issues so I am dealing with his affairs. The bungalow has subsidence, has done for years, I am in the process of making a claim from the insurance company. The property was inherited by my cousin and the insurance policy transferred to his name. The insurance company have agreed to do the work but we have to repair some drains (not covered for some reason) to ensure that the subsidence is stabilised.
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Pysces
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24-04-2012, 07:13 AM
Can't add anything except {hug}
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IsoChick
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24-04-2012, 07:17 AM
I am so sorry you and your mum (and Cain!) are going through this (((HUG)))

I would echo what other posters have said - maybe it's time for you to think about hospice care for your mum? You are not a qualified nurse, or carer; and having to care for your mum and work full time must be exhausting. If you talk to the Macmillan nurses, I'm sure they can advise you on this - but if your mum now needs a bed downstairs, and cannot toilet on her own; this sounds like she needs more care than you can practicably provide.

In a hospice she would never have to worry about having an accident, or being on her own etc; and they usually have fairly relaxed visiting hours, so you could go after work and sit with her for a while.

How are your work being about this? Really, you should be on compassionate leave, or working part time. I understand you are working for promotion etc, but you won't do your best work when you are so stressed.

Finally, you need to go to the Dr's yourself - you are overworked and stressed; and therefore cannot provide the things you, Cain and your mum need.

Sending big hugs and Boxer licks XXX
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krlyr
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24-04-2012, 08:20 AM
Lots of helpful advice posted already, just wanted to say I hope you take some time out for yourself.

Have you seen the method in the seperation anxiety thread, about teaching the dog that you won't/can't give any attention, with a visual cue? I wonder if it may help to try this with Cain so he can learn the difference between you being around and able to interact, and you being home but occupied with nurses etc. It's mentioned a bit more here - http://www.dogstrust.org.uk/_resourc...ingalone09.pdf

I'll see if the butcher can spare a few more marrowbones so you can occupy Cain with them. I've got an activity ball and a Wobbler type thing you're welcome to borrow for as long as you need them - you could pre-fill them with some smelly treats and maybe some kibble and then they're to hand to chuck in the kitchen/garden at short notice.

I've offered before but you know I'd be happy to have Cain for a day or two if you need a break. Weekends could be good - two of us at home so plenty of hands to manage things, we could easily seperate Cain with the babygates to stop any OTT behaviour indoors, and we know that they get on well enough that they're not likely to not have a pop at each other through the gates. I could even walk mine across the road to the little park for toilet breaks for the day so there's no need for them to mix. I'd be happy to just play with him in the garden and do some mind-games to occupy him, save you the worry of a stranger taking him out in public. I know it may just end up being more worry to you than it's worth but the offer is there if you need it.
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twix
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24-04-2012, 08:27 AM
And I thought I'd had a c**p year so far. No wonder you are drained mentally and physically.

Although your mum might reject the idea of a hospice or other temporary care if you stress to her how much you need a little break she might realise this is the best way to go and it will be so much easier for both of you.

As for friends/relatives contacting you could you suggest that as you are so taken up with everything it's impossible to keep everyone up to date individually so any future updates will only be by way of a round robin email, twitter, 'another site' or similar.

If you have to leave Cain in one room for the short term future I'm sure he'll survive and not bear a grudge. You WILL be able to make it up to him. I took on 2 rescues that had been shut in a small room nearly 24/7 for best part of a year and they were fine, I do believe dogs live in the moment and you must put yourself first otherwise you'll be in no fit state to do anything.

Wishing you strength to continue.
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Helen
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24-04-2012, 08:43 AM
Oh, I am sooo sorry What a truly horrible, horrible time you are going through. I really feel for you and like others, feel exhausted just reading it, so I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for you

Can Cain go into kennels for a few days to take the pressure off in that area?

I'm also surprised that you aren't getting some kind of compassionate leave from work

I am just so sorry you are going through this

Take care of yourself

Helen
xxx
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