AARRRGGHH. My mother. Again.

Some of you may know the issues I had with my parents earlier this year over our wedding http://www.dogsey.com/showthread.php?t=139917

In short, our big white wedding they'd taken over arranging - but were paying for - so I let them, fell through because the venue went bankrupt at Christmas, so me and Paul took the dogs up to Scotland and got married on a remote beach, (what we always wanted).
http://www.dogsey.com/showthread.php?t=147065

My parents were livid, 'wrote me out their will', my mum cried it's all Dad's dream of - to walk their daughter down the aisle (I was only getting married in a Hall, not a church anyway!), yet when i told them he still could, they said they wanted nothing to do with our new plans, they wouldn't come. My sister told me please not to tell them her and her fella were coming to be our witnesses . My parents never rang, blew up when I told them I was pregnant 7 weeks before the wedding, "Why couldn't we have waited?!!" - i'm 28, hubby 35. They have never mentioned either to this day...well, they just don't ring, oh I did get a text from my dad () telling me mum was going in for a scan for bone cancer so I rang them once - she got the all clear.

Thing is, my mum has arranged a 'get together' at her house this weekend, my sister and I, her and dad and my Nanna. I did get a phonecall a few weeks ago asking me to come. I said I would, after hearing her tell me how old Nanna was getting etc..

Interestingly, I've since rang my nanna who sounds absolutely fine, doesn't particularly want to make the long drive to my mums - and I have recently heard my Dad is going to pick her up - a 100 mile round trip.

My hubby has been livid about it, 'it's all just emotional blackmail' (again) and he won't come, but says he is happy to go over to visit Nanna in Scarborough any time. My hubby is mad with them big time, he's still waiting for an apology, my fathers blessing for our marriage, our wedding present and baby congratulations. He has a point.

I've had a sleepless night again over it, I'm 25 weeks pregnant now, I'm in tears regularly over it - during the phone call mum never even asked about the baby - her first grandchild. When I sent her a beautiful 20 weeks scan picture she text me back and told me she couldn't make out what's what, then went onto talk about how she's been looking after her friends baby a lot recently. I text her our baby's chosen beautiful name - she didn't reply.

I don't want to go, yet I don't want to make things worse. I know she's only arranged it to make herself feel better, or to 'test' me. She's doing it again, trying to make me do things her way, give in to her before she blows up - which she will, and I promised myself I'd never let her do this again after the wedding.

My friends all tell me not to go, my neighbour (who's more of a mum to me) tells me I should to make amends - thing is, no amends will be made!

I really don't know what to do

I dont think you should go. You don't want to go, your husband doesn't want you to go! Your pregnant and you need to put your baby, your husband and above all yourself first!
If you do try to do the 'right' thing by your parents chances are they are going to upset you by either making a dig about the wedding or not asking the right questions about your pregnancy. Your hormones are probably all over the place and I imagine it won't take much to make you emotional. You might end up resenting your parents even more because you didn't say No to their demands.
Make an excuse and don't go, but instead make an unexpected visit when it suits you and hubby. You are their daughter and shouldn't need an invitation to visit your parents.
Go and visit Granny as soon as you can.
Make a stand hunni. xx

Thank you xx I know in my heart I shouldn't go, as soon as i make this decision i KNOW feel better.

Things are bad, they're going to be worse. But to be honest, can it really get any worse with them, it's not going to get better yet so why put myself and my own family now that I have to think about through the stress.. very true.

Sorry the initial post was so long.

I am so sorry you are having parent problems, only you can decide what to do. If you don't think it's right don't go. You don't need the stress at this time.

Perhaps when the baby arrives she will get past it all, she is lucky, there are lots of ladies out there yearning to be grandmothers! It's your life, do what you want to do.

Thank you, you're right, it is, and for the first time (age 28!) i was actually starting to live 100% how i want without thinking what she'll say to everything we do. Even when I moved 100 miles away when I was 18 she still had that hold!

Even when we took the foster dog in last weekend i found myself saying to Paul, 'Ee my mum would kill me if she knew we'd took on a third dog' What?!!!

I do think this is maybe her start to 'coming around', in her own selfish way by making herself feel better if we all get together.

On top of all this, my darling sister has been diagnosed with ms. My mum wrote her out of her will last year too, (for moving in with the wrong man and him DARE proposing to her, my sister did then tell them she was getting married in India with the elephants ) She only has 2 daughters, so she obviously plans to leave all her money to her chickens! This same boyfriend is supporting her hugely through the onset of ms, he is fantastic, my parents were so wrong about him, and now mum must feel guilty about that too...

AG You're the same age as my daughter, I wouldn't of appreciated my parents meddling in my life (they didn't) your parents have had their life, made their mistakes etc. you have to live yours how you want, you are all grown up now.

Maybe your mum knows she has gone to far and her pride is in the way.

She is all about pride, snobbiness and what other people think of her perfect hair, house and family (!).

I think that's it, she's realised it, but then if this weekend is her making the first step forward then am I doing the right thing by not going?

As a mother and grandmother myself I will say this to you. You, your husband, and your baby come first. Not your parents.

Please do not feel guilty - it took me over 40 years to get away from Mother and being made to feel guilty for not rushing round everytime she wanted something, and in the end was still not free of her even after emigrating as she kept coming to stay for a month, return to England for two months, back to drive me nuts again for another month...

...until I got home from work one day to find a sink full of washing up [hers], dirty cups all over the place [hers], and a demand for supper "now". I told her to pack her case, phoned a local hotel to book her in, phoned for a taxi and told her that I wanted my own life. I was nearly 50 by then.

Please do not let your mother try to ruin your life as mine tried to do to me - and nearly succeeded.

Malka that's awful, you poor thing. I dread to think how she was when you told her the news of you emigrating - but good for you for doing it anyway and even better for you for telling her that day to go.

That's exactly it. I am so sorry that your mum was like that and for so long. I remember earlier this year saying it! "At least i've got away from her, my life my own, when i'm 28 and i'm still fairly young." I suddenly felt like i COULD do anything i wanted, emigrate being one of them ironically. And for the first time i wasn't saying it though tears, it felt good, well, liberating almost without meaning to sound too dramatic.

And i don't want to take a step backwards, so i'm not going home at the weekend. I don't know if i'll admit to her the real reason why.

Please don't put up with this. Your OH is right.....

I hate emotional blackmail and won't have any truck with it.

Fight back hon, it's the only way your mum will learn that she cannot rule you any longer

x0x